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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have reported my friend to CS

115 replies

annamilo · 10/05/2021 09:39

Hi all,

I feel really bad about something.

I am going to have to change details so it doesn’t become obvious.
I was with a friend and she has a few children.
Whilst out with her, I witnessed her really whack one of her children across the head, I was shocked firstly by her hitting him but also by her doing it in front of me.
He was playing up a bit but no more than any other child does sometimes.
Afterwards, she gave him some extra medication for his ADHD so that he would be calmer.
Every time I hear her shout at her children she screams and threatens to “fucking batter” them, I’ve never had a conversation with her without her screaming at her children.
I mentioned this to someone as I was thinking about it a lot, once I mentioned it to this person I had to make the decision of what to do.
I decided to report her as I was so concerned by what I witnessed and thought, if she can do that in front of me, imagine what she could do when no one is there.
Was I wrong to have done this? What do I do if she asks if it’s me?
This incident happened around a month ago and I only reported her a few days ago.
Please give me advice as now I feel really bad for reporting her.
Thanks in advance

OP posts:
Medievalist · 10/05/2021 09:43

You did the right thing on reporting her. Of course you did.

But did you never challenge her on the abuse you witnessed?

JackANackAnoreeee · 10/05/2021 09:44

Of course YANBU. You saying something to her about it isn't going to change her behaviour. It's not like CS would barge in and remove her children but she does sound like she needs support to parent them.

TwoAndAnOnion · 10/05/2021 09:46

What advice are you looking for though? Are you feeling guilty? Second thoughts?

What if she confides in you? Will you confess or be her shoulder to cry on?

I hope she gets the support she needs. Because no matter the rights/wrongs, she sounds at the end of her tether, and if she gets some practical help that can only be a good thing for her and the children.

If it was bad enough to raise concerns then you have done the right thing. I don't know that I could continue to pretend to be her friend though.

KarmaStar · 10/05/2021 09:47

You did the right thing.🌈

Toilenstripes · 10/05/2021 09:50

There’s nothing to feel bad about. Honestly, why have children if you’re going to treat them like that? The kid has obviously been diagnosed with ADHD so not just acting up. Anyway, hopefully she will get support for her temper and learn coping skills.

LadyWhistledownsQuill · 10/05/2021 09:51

You did the right thing. It sounds like she would benefit from some parenting classes, at the very least.

If she's doing that in public, what's she doing behind closed doors?

seepingweeping · 10/05/2021 09:53

I wouldn't judge her on the extra adhd med, until you have a child with adhd you have no idea what it's like and whilst I haven't had to give mine any extra meds outwith his prescription, I would if I felt he needed something extra. It's not up to you. His mum will recognise the signs and whilst you're saying he was behaving like every other child, it can escalate very quickly with adhd.

Did you ask her if she needs some support and if she's ok? Or confront her behaviour at the time? Why did you wait a month before reporting her?

ThatIsMyPotato · 10/05/2021 09:54

Is she likely to ask if it's you? Or will she not mention it? You did the right thing, if they think she needs the support you would have done her a favour.

Gilead · 10/05/2021 09:57

You’ve done the right thing, I’d have been so grateful if someone had reported the vicious, violent abuser that brought me up.

Flowers500 · 10/05/2021 09:57

You did the right thing in repetitions her but you should also have spoken up and talked to her about this

Original poster
annamilo · 10/05/2021 09:58

I actually do have a 6 year old with ADHD so I understand how they can be challenging but these medications taken in excess can cause severe issues. ADHD medication isn’t one you can just decide to double when a doctor prescribes a fixed dose

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 10/05/2021 10:00

Yes you were right to report her but I'm horrified you've witnessed her being abusive for what, months? years? and have said nothing

Original poster
annamilo · 10/05/2021 10:00

Just to add no I didn’t ask her as the minute she did it she said “you didn’t hear or see anything “ that’s pretty clear that it means I shouldn’t say anything

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 10/05/2021 10:00

And she's unlikely to think it's you when you've been complicit to it all this time

SleepingStandingUp · 10/05/2021 10:02

@annamilo

Just to add no I didn’t ask her as the minute she did it she said “you didn’t hear or see anything “ that’s pretty clear that it means I shouldn’t say anything
That's absolutely no reason to be complicit in her abusing her kids.

"If you don't want me to hear or see anything, how about hitting your kids in front of me. What is going on? I know you might be struggling but this isn't ok!"

DenisetheMenace · 10/05/2021 10:03

Sorry voted incorrectly: pressed YABU, meaning to be worrying that you did the wrong thing.

You didn’t.

Fundays12 · 10/05/2021 10:04

You absolutely did the right thing. Whacking a child around the head is dangerous. Giving additional ADHD medication is terrifying. My eldest has ADHD and is on medication. It's a controlled drug due to the risks associated with it and needs given exactly as prescribed. The constant threats and swearing are awful to. I hope she gets the help she needs.

Original poster
annamilo · 10/05/2021 10:04

It was very hard to know what to do and the second she hit him she said “you didn’t see or hear anything” as for the medication as someone said wait until I have a child with adhd, I have a 6 year old with adhd and I know how hard it is, however, when a child is prescribed the medication you have to stick to the dose not double it just because you find the child is being extra challenging.
I didn’t see or hear him do anything that warranted that or the whack across the head.
I was also told by a friend that one day she saw her give her child in the pushchair her cigarette so she could hit the other one.
Apparently, a number of parents from the schools have reported her to the school

OP posts:
SleepingStandingUp · 10/05/2021 10:06

How can you be friends with someone who is openly abusing their kids and not say something.

Even if in the moment you were struck silent, you've had a month to say something. I'm glad the other parents have spoken to school

MinnieJackson · 10/05/2021 10:07

Jesus, well she obviously knows she's being abusive then. Poor kids.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 10/05/2021 10:07

How do the children react to the threats, screaming and hitting? That will often give an indication of how often it happens.

That’s awful and I’m glad you’ve reported her. End of her tether or not, it doesn’t excuse her abusive behaviour and the children should not have to suffer. I can’t comment on the medication because I don’t know anything about it.

ActuallyIveGotDental · 10/05/2021 10:07

If a number of people have already reported her then it sounds like your report will make little difference. I couldn't continue to be friends with this person though.

Kittykat93 · 10/05/2021 10:07

I couldn't just stand and watch someone batter their kids in front of me.. jesus. Yes of course you should have reported but also why are you not challenging her when she does it ? All the kids are learning is this is normal and no one cares :(

ftm202020 · 10/05/2021 10:08

Why are you friends with this women? What is the expression about the company you keep?

Zzelda · 10/05/2021 10:08

@DenisetheMenace

Sorry voted incorrectly: pressed YABU, meaning to be worrying that you did the wrong thing.

You didn’t.

You can change your vote.