To have reported my friend to CS

[annamilo]

Hi all,

I feel really bad about something.

I am going to have to change details so it doesn’t become obvious.
I was with a friend and she has a few children.
Whilst out with her, I witnessed her really whack one of her children across the head, I was shocked firstly by her hitting him but also by her doing it in front of me.
He was playing up a bit but no more than any other child does sometimes.
Afterwards, she gave him some extra medication for his ADHD so that he would be calmer.
Every time I hear her shout at her children she screams and threatens to “fucking batter” them, I’ve never had a conversation with her without her screaming at her children.
I mentioned this to someone as I was thinking about it a lot, once I mentioned it to this person I had to make the decision of what to do.
I decided to report her as I was so concerned by what I witnessed and thought, if she can do that in front of me, imagine what she could do when no one is there.
Was I wrong to have done this? What do I do if she asks if it’s me?
This incident happened around a month ago and I only reported her a few days ago.
Please give me advice as now I feel really bad for reporting her.
Thanks in advance

You did the right thing. Overdoing ADHD medication leaves you with a calm but fairly sad child. Your former friend doesn't sound like she is coping. She may possibly have ADHD herself. Hopefully, she can get some help to improve her parenting.

@Eiumer The child should always come first, and in my experience parents who need extra support often only get it after a referral to Social Services. @annamilo was entirely right to report her.
In 1973 in Brighton, a 7 year old girl, Maria Colwell , was beaten to death by her stepfather. She'd been fostered for a time by her Aunt and Uncle in Hove, and had been happy and well cared for. She was returned to her mother and suffered horrific abuse and neglect. I remember after her death, all these people came out of the woodwork, telling tales of Maria taking food out of bins, looking unkempt and dirty, etc.. If they had bothered to report what they had seen, Maria might have been saved from an utterly miserable existence. As an aside, William Kepple was released from prison after four years, claiming diminished responsibility because he had been drunk when he killed that poor little girl.

Well done for reporting, OP.

This person sounds vile. Her children are living with physical abuse, and the emotional abuse of being regularly shouted and sworn at (and threatened with physical abuse). Plus being given double doses of medication.

And if she told you to forget what you’d seen and heard after she hit her child then she clearly knows it’s wrong but does it anyway.

It’s bloody tragic. How old are her children?

I don’t think you were wrong but equally I doubt anything will happen beyond a phone cal.

@MeridianB they are 10,8,6 and 2 xx

Well done you, OP. What you have done is very brave.

There is often never any point challenging an abuser. What would you have achieved? She has clearly been reported many times but doesn't change.

Social services can take it from here. It takes a lot of guts to stand up to your friends OP, well done you.

OP, well done for reporting. Don't let yourself feel bad about the time you waited or not confronting this woman directly; it must have been a horrible shock to see her do that and then be essentially threatened to stay quiet. You have done what you could as soon as you could and whatever happens next is not your responsibility.

@Gilead

You’ve done the right thing, I’d have been so grateful if someone had reported the vicious, violent abuser that brought me up.

Same. Thank you.

Are you afraid of her or something? I’m unsure why you didn’t challenge her abuse at the time and also why you’re even friends with her in the first place. She’s horrible, I’m glad you reported her.

You are doing the right thing. You are the voice for those poor kids against their abuser. She is an abuser. Some might justify she is overwhelmed, stressed blah blah but she is still and abuser.

@Fuckitfuckit I’m so sorry you went through all that 💐

Some of the responses here!
"What is that saying about the company you keep?"
"Why didn't you challenge her?"
MN needs a 'Do One' smiley hint.

Ignore the stupid posters, OP.
You did the right thing and if anything, your friend, who is at the end of her tether, will get the support she needs. It's not about yanking children away from their mother. It's about helping this mother who is broken and unable to properly parent, guiding her onto a stable path.
You've unquestionably done the right thing AND you have done enough. Don't worry.

[quote 81Byerley]**@Eiumer* The child should always come first, and in my experience parents who need extra support often only get it after a referral to Social Services. @annamilo* was entirely right to report her.
In 1973 in Brighton, a 7 year old girl, Maria Colwell , was beaten to death by her stepfather. She'd been fostered for a time by her Aunt and Uncle in Hove, and had been happy and well cared for. She was returned to her mother and suffered horrific abuse and neglect. I remember after her death, all these people came out of the woodwork, telling tales of Maria taking food out of bins, looking unkempt and dirty, etc.. If they had bothered to report what they had seen, Maria might have been saved from an utterly miserable existence. As an aside, William Kepple was released from prison after four years, claiming diminished responsibility because he had been drunk when he killed that poor little girl.[/quote]
This is heartbreaking and surely no one could argue OP has done the right thing when you hear this kind of thing.

You have definitely done the right thing. She may have been parented like this herself and may benefit from a parenting course.
The children are being physically and emotionally abused. It has a major impact on there lives and their future.
These are the children that think so little of themselves, feel the have no value and see attention from others - potential future of crime, addiction and or mental health.
You have made the right discussion.
Anyone could have reported them.
Ignore the unhealthy people on here with there negative comments.
The damage to these children if this carries on is tragic.

[quote annamilo]@MeridianB they are 10,8,6 and 2 xx[/quote]
Awww, that’s heartbreaking. So young! They probably think this is normal and have no way of helping themselves.

Even more reason why they need outside help. 💐

Seems that some people are so determined that children know their place it has become a society that puts adults first.

Of course this should have been reported sooner but numerous things are drummed in that makes it harder to do so. @annamilo you did the right thing, of course.

What ridiculous responses you've gotten as some replies to this post 😂

Of course you did the right thing. You did what you needed to do to protect the children. Well done for reporting directly to CS and not school and obviously the reports to school have not been effective. There is not reason to make school the middleman -- all they can really do is report it themselves secondhand and it's much better to do it directly.

Hopefully this mother will receive some much needed support to help her to parent more effectively.

Of course you also did the right thing by not confronting her. It would likely have just enraged her and would have done nothing to stop the abuse. Not sure why anyone thinks that would have been sensible 🤔

A mother with a vague number of children hit one very hard and doped him up right in front of you and threatens to batter her children all the time and yet you feel bad about making a report to whatever the relevant children’s protection department is?

Struggling to see how anyone so keen to protect a child they made a report about it could possibly feel bad about it,

@Thatisnotwhatisaid if you read further up the thread, I explained why I didn’t challenge her

@Eiumer

What kind of friend are you if you couldn't bring yourself to speak to her about your concerns? A good friend would have said something to the mother FIRST before involving other people or the authorities. You mention her child having ADHD meds, in addition to having many children (not sure how relevant this is to your concerns) have you ever asked her how it is for HER (emotionally, physically, mentally) to parent a child with ADHD? Or what it's like to parent many children? From the sound of your post, I doubt you have. Parenting is difficult with a healthy child, and with a SEN it gets increasingly hard and soul destroying. And yet, parents of these children do it on an ongoing basis and many without respite. Maybe she needs a breather or a friend to confide in (who won't call cs). If you really care for your "friend" and her children, do the right thing and let her know what your concerns are and why you called cs. Hopefully, she and her children will get the help they need and maybe she will make some new real friends along the way.

But that doesn't take away from the fact she swears at the kids and threatens to "batter" them. I would suspect shes the kind of person you don't want to cross on her bad side.

@Eiumer

What kind of friend are you if you couldn't bring yourself to speak to her about your concerns? A good friend would have said something to the mother FIRST before involving other people or the authorities. You mention her child having ADHD meds, in addition to having many children (not sure how relevant this is to your concerns) have you ever asked her how it is for HER (emotionally, physically, mentally) to parent a child with ADHD? Or what it's like to parent many children? From the sound of your post, I doubt you have. Parenting is difficult with a healthy child, and with a SEN it gets increasingly hard and soul destroying. And yet, parents of these children do it on an ongoing basis and many without respite. Maybe she needs a breather or a friend to confide in (who won't call cs). If you really care for your "friend" and her children, do the right thing and let her know what your concerns are and why you called cs. Hopefully, she and her children will get the help they need and maybe she will make some new real friends along the way.

She didn't owe her abusive friend anything. Number of kids isn't an excuse to be abusive, really.

@Shinyletsbebadguys

Its not a smart idea to challenge the mother directly. You actually did the right thing contacting CS instead.

For pp who are attempting to denigrate the OP as a friend. Think through what may happen. OP challenges a clearly frazzled and aggressive mother who is already defensive and clearly unable to manage her reactions , the mother feels at best embarrassed and defensive at worst she feels angry. OP leaves....who do you think that lack of emotional regulation is taken out on? It wil be the child for "showing her up" etc.

I've seen it in my previous roles frighteningly often where a friend or a stranger steps in without the ability to risk assess the child's safety. I've quite literally seen the bruises.

Unless you are in the position of being able to protect that child after witnessing physical abuse you don't step in directly.

Not you OP but pp, your need to be validated as a "good " person and friend does not trump the child's safety. This is why there is safeguarding training.

Op you did the right thing. You had to report this.

I agree. Op actually did the right thing by reporting. Those who haven’t read Op’s updates or have misread or are willfully ignoring them, please read the Op’s posts properly and also read this.

@annamilo Op, you’ve been through a lot. You did the right thing so don’t feel bad. Congratulations on getting through all of that trauma, I know it can’t have been easy . I’m hoping you have real life support as well.

I would have done exactly the same, and I wouldn't spend any more time with her. Her poor children

I’m just going to explain further as some people seem to enjoy coming on to posts and making judgements.

I suffer from severe anxiety, PTSD, Have OCD traits due to different things I have experienced in my life, this all still affects me terribly.

I am a very nervous person and I hate confrontation of any kind what so ever.
I find it hard to speak up and normally when I do, or at least in the past when I have, it has always backfired.

The woman I was talking about is a very strong personality and she can get quite agressive towards anyone.

As soon as she hit her son, she looked at me and said “you didn’t see or hear anything” then she said later “what goes on behind closed doors is no ones business” made me realise that I shouldn’t be commenting on this.

I was a victim of domestic violence and saw my Mum get beaten up by my dad, when I see violence of any sort I end up feeling scared.

What do those judging expect me to do? I’m so sorry I’m not as perfect and as amazing as you clearly are, however, you aren’t in my situation and people react differently on situations.

I would like to point out that this was the first time I have ever seen her hit her child, this particular day I was there for the day with my son who is 6 and also has ADHD.

Concerning the medication, this was the first time I have ever had her discuss medication for her son around me.
When she stated that she was giving him double the dose, what does everyone expect me to do? Pull them out of her hand?

Regarding the abusive language, I did report this to the school, my son goes to a different school as we are in a different area.

I know that she had children’s services involved before and one of the concerns was due to her screaming at them but for some reason, her neighbours who live on one side defended her and said that wasn’t true.

I have a friend whose children go to the same school as the woman I mentioned and she has told me that she reported them at least a few times as she hits them quite openly and no one seems to do anything.
They reported to the school.

As for waiting, I became very ill and was admitted to hospital and only came out last week. I did report 2 days after being discharged.

I did what I thought was best, in my situation.

As for @Eiumer I find it concerning how you seem to think I should have just let it go!!

@Nonmaquillee thanks, it was hard but I knew I had to do it.xx