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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To have reported my friend to CS

115 replies

annamilo · 10/05/2021 09:39

Hi all,

I feel really bad about something.

I am going to have to change details so it doesn’t become obvious.
I was with a friend and she has a few children.
Whilst out with her, I witnessed her really whack one of her children across the head, I was shocked firstly by her hitting him but also by her doing it in front of me.
He was playing up a bit but no more than any other child does sometimes.
Afterwards, she gave him some extra medication for his ADHD so that he would be calmer.
Every time I hear her shout at her children she screams and threatens to “fucking batter” them, I’ve never had a conversation with her without her screaming at her children.
I mentioned this to someone as I was thinking about it a lot, once I mentioned it to this person I had to make the decision of what to do.
I decided to report her as I was so concerned by what I witnessed and thought, if she can do that in front of me, imagine what she could do when no one is there.
Was I wrong to have done this? What do I do if she asks if it’s me?
This incident happened around a month ago and I only reported her a few days ago.
Please give me advice as now I feel really bad for reporting her.
Thanks in advance

OP posts:

Original poster

annamilo · 10/05/2021 10:10

@SleepingStandingUp you seem to be finding issues with everything I say.
Maybe is you understood that I suffer from severe anxiety disorder, have PTSD and find it very difficult to speak up.
My friend has a very dominant personality and also the reason I waited a month was due to me being very unwell and then when I was better I discussed with a friend and then made the decision.

OP posts:

DenisetheMenace · 10/05/2021 10:11

Zzelda

You can change your vote“

Thank you - didn’t know that

peepholepringle · 10/05/2021 10:11

You absolutely did the right thing OP.
Hopefully this will enable her and her poor DC to get the help that it sounds like they need.

BeingATwatItsABingThing · 10/05/2021 10:12

@annamilo

It was very hard to know what to do and the second she hit him she said “you didn’t see or hear anything” as for the medication as someone said wait until I have a child with adhd, I have a 6 year old with adhd and I know how hard it is, however, when a child is prescribed the medication you have to stick to the dose not double it just because you find the child is being extra challenging. I didn’t see or hear him do anything that warranted that or the whack across the head. I was also told by a friend that one day she saw her give her child in the pushchair her cigarette so she could hit the other one. Apparently, a number of parents from the schools have reported her to the school

I honestly couldn’t be friends with someone like this. If she’s willing to be that abusive in public, what does she do in private?!

Original poster

annamilo · 10/05/2021 10:15

I want to just explain something.
The reason I didn’t speak up was because her firstly saying “you didn’t see or hear anything” then also I suffer with severe anxiety disorder, have PTSD, I find it very hard to confront people. She is a big personality and if you let her you would know.
Often at school she is seen hitting and no one there bats an eyelid, all they do is report to teacher.
The reason I waited a month was because I was very unwell, I lost 3 stones due to severe vomiting and was in hospital.
As soon as I was out I reported it

OP posts:

Original poster

annamilo · 10/05/2021 10:19

@BeingATwatItsABingThing i no longer speak to her and haven’t since the incident. I feel bad as she is a single mum to 4 boys and I would hate the boys to be removed.
I noticed something the other day, in pics of her kids, the eldest ego she hit always looks so sad x

OP posts:

Original poster

annamilo · 10/05/2021 10:22

@SleepingStandingUp No, I have never witnessed her hit her children until ghat day and yes screaming at them and swearing is wrong but you seemed to think giving extra adhd medication was up to her when it affects the blood pressure which is why my son has to have his checked regularly

OP posts:

Fuckitfuckit · 10/05/2021 10:24

No I think you did the right thing.
If there are other parents who are seeing her abuse her kids and are reporting it to the school, I'd bet its because she seems like a bit of an aggressive person who will kick off if confronted.
Please also speak to the safeguarding lead at the school, make then aware of what you have seen.

These children need all the support that they can get in this situation.

This woman is hitting her child around the head in public, and doubling? Her child's medication to give her an easier time. I dread to think what she does to them behind closed doors.

Devlesko · 10/05/2021 10:25

You can't pretend to be her friend now, but you did the right thing, she needs support.

yahyahs22 · 10/05/2021 10:30

Children come first, feelings and guilt are way down the list. Well done. However, I do think you shouldve spoken to her as a 'friend'

Justilou1 · 10/05/2021 10:31

Those poor babies.... You shouldn't question yourself. She needs help and this is probably the only way she's going to get it. Those kids might get taken away, and it might be better for them. (I had an abusive mum and I can tell you that I used to want to be rescued when I was a kid.). You did the right thing.

Louiselady500 · 10/05/2021 10:34

You absolutely did the right thing. Children cannot easily speak up for themselves and many suffer years of abuse because nobody wants to be the one to speak up for them. It’s not an easy thing to do but it’s definitely the right thing to do. I wish more people were as responsible and brave as you.

AcornCups · 10/05/2021 10:35

I see you have some difficult MH issues you are wresting with. Well done for reporting.

I am not asking for you to share why you are unwell and think it would make you feel vulnerable. But looking at your diagnoses please be very careful with your friendships. Many people that experience trauma end up with friends and partners who are the same type as their abusers. It’s sadly a well known phenomena.

It’s good you have pulled away from her. She will hopefully get help but ultimately some dc are better off being removed as awful as that is to write. I have met through voluntary work many people with MH and addiction issues because of their childhoods.

Original poster

annamilo · 10/05/2021 10:35

@Fuckitfuckit you are right, if I would have said anything she probably would have walloped me.
I don’t speak to her now after I saw that.
A child with adhd needs even more support not physical violence.
My son saw it too and he was upset when we left

OP posts:

SleepingStandingUp · 10/05/2021 10:38

[quote annamilo]@SleepingStandingUp No, I have never witnessed her hit her children until ghat day and yes screaming at them and swearing is wrong but you seemed to think giving extra adhd medication was up to her when it affects the blood pressure which is why my son has to have his checked regularly[/quote]
No but you've heard her being abusive towards them. .Every time I hear her shout at her children she screams and threatens to “fucking batter” them, I’ve never had a conversation with her without her screaming at her children.. That also needs / needed reporting.

The reason you didn't report for a month is pretty significant as initially it looked like you were just contemplating if you should or not. I'm sorry you've been unwell and I hope you're on the mend.

Your school has hopefully passed on their complaints. I would continue to report anything you see or report it to the school

Original poster

annamilo · 10/05/2021 10:39

@AcornCups i had a very difficult childhood, not through my parents but was victim to horrific sexual violence.
I actually ended up with an addiction that I overcame in 2018.
I fond it very hard to defend myself and have been in domestic violence relationships because of this and had my jaw dislocated back in 2018.
I managed to leave that abusive man but the scars remain.
When I witness violence of any type I get very shaky and that’s why I didn’t say anything.
Thank you for being understanding xx

OP posts:

SelkieBe · 10/05/2021 10:39

It's for the best you said nothing because she would have experienced shame, been unable to process it and would have projected it back on to her child in the form of more anger.

As if somebody who clatters their child across the back of the head is going to say ''oh, ok, I'll stop'' when her friend tells her that that was too harsh. The only thing that will happen is she'll double down on it.

Better that time has passed and she won't know it's the OP.

I find conflict difficult too. I am triggered by people being awful and it's hard to handle it in a calm way.

WallpaperLady · 10/05/2021 10:40

@annamilo

Just to add no I didn’t ask her as the minute she did it she said “you didn’t hear or see anything “ that’s pretty clear that it means I shouldn’t say anything

And you are friends with her because...? Sounds like a threat.

You've done the right thing, hopefully a visit will encourage her to be a calmer parent.

Original poster

annamilo · 10/05/2021 10:40

@SleepingStandingUp thé screaming was reported to school it just wasn’t to CS

OP posts:

SelkieBe · 10/05/2021 10:41

@annamilo I hear you. I find it very hard to speak up in a calm assertive way that will be respected and acted upon. More often than not I'm ignored and it just causes bad feeling. I tend to under react which is a form of freeze I suppose or I over react and there is too much emotion in my voice, not enough distance between what I feel and and the message I need to convey.
I'm working on it though.

osbertthesyrianhamster · 10/05/2021 10:41

If she gives him additional ADHD meds than they'll run out faster so how does she manage that?

SunIsComing · 10/05/2021 10:42

If she does this in public then I dread to think what she’s like behind close doors. You did the right thing

ScrollingLeaves · 10/05/2021 10:43

“I was shocked firstly by her hitting him but also by her doing it in front of me.
He was playing up a bit but no more than any other child does sometimes.
Afterwards, she gave him some extra medication for his ADHD so that he would be calmer.”

Poor little child.
The other abuse is the medication for ADHD which is most likely not ADHD but PDST induced symptoms from the child’s life in general.

It would be good if the family got real help.

You were brave💐

Doorhandleghost · 10/05/2021 10:45

I reported my child’s friend’s mother when I’d seen her whack the friend round the head because she was crying. It was the worst of many bad things I’d been aware of but the first I had witnessed first hand so I leapt on it and reported straight away. Poor kid was having a terrible time, school were already concerned and I know the extended family were aware but didn’t want to interfere as it would upset the mother - no one was thinking about the child. It was the wake up call they needed SS visited the next day (I suspect school had already made reports of concerns) and three or four years on things have drastically improved for the child as the extended family have stepped in. For obvious reasons I haven’t spoken to them since! Don’t feel guilty, you’ve done the right thing. Speaking to the mother directly would have been a hiding to nothing.

Original poster

annamilo · 10/05/2021 10:45

@osbertthesyrianhamster i dont know if it’s a regular thing bug she told me she had doubled his dose to «calm him down»

OP posts:

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