How to cope with upset new boyfriend?

[grapegreen]

We are together some months . I've posted about him before under a different name. He was treated appallingly through a few years by a woman who, from how he describes his experience is a classic narcissist . The relationship nearly
Cost him his family and friends and his mental health and he says he felt I

I realise you haven't finished posting, but the bit you have posted makes me wonder why someone you've only been with a short time is telling you so much about his unpleasant ex...?

Is it over the girl? I find people that go on about their ex hurting them is either because they want you to feel sorry for them or because they still have feelings.

The ex is always crazy

Thanks @HardlyEver .. I've just lost so much that I've written!!!!!!
Bottom line is that she is a classic narcissist. Textbook. He was destroyed after they finished and is lucky to have relationships woth his family and friends considering he was totally isolated and controlled.
When he speaks about her , it is like he wants to make sure that type of treatment never happens again... almost berating himself for tolerating the treatment and letting me know that he would never tolerate it again.
She drops a text or a call every few months. These have ramped up lately. She may have heard he has a gf , his first since they broke up.
We had a row , I explained that I didn't understand the need for the contact when it was such a horrific end and he was treated so badly . He agreed .
It was like the penny had dropped that he was still essentially under her control to a degree.
He is almost shell shocked. He can't believe he allowed himself to play the mug . He is sad and upset and we nearly broke up over it.
She is now deleted and blocked but I worry that she will react strongly to that. He has always been her puppet on a string. I worry that she thinks of him as her fall back guy.
He is remorseful, constantly apologising for even bringing her name into our relationship and really quite sad . He feels disgusted with himself and It's like our dynamic has changed now . He has reassured me that he has absolutely no interest in her romantically and I believe him
But there's definitely damage there .
Did I do wrong here ? I'd love to read his
Mind .

I don’t understand why you care how she might react to being blocked?

Has she ever just turned up at his home? It doesn’t sound like it. It sounds like he’s not over her tbh and could do with being alone rather than relying on someone else to prop up his self esteem.

Sorry what’s the AIBU?

Honestly I can see massive red flags and alarm bells all over the place. I get the sense that you think he is still in love with her and she could have him back at a moments notice. But somehow she’s also pure evil.

I would not be getting involved in a situation like this.

Run

I care because I don't want any trouble .

If your bf still has such strong feelings (positive or negative) about his ex, then he’s not ready to be in another relationship yet.

I can’t see how this could end well for you I’m afraid. I would consider ending it... and if he really is the right guy for you, then I’m sure you’ll get back together in the future when he’s dealt with all the things he need to deal with.

He sounds a bit messed up, possibly not his fault, maybe she IS crazy and has done this to him
Do you really want to be the one to deal with it? If yes still having such an extreme reaction to her it doesn’t sound like he’s ready for a new relationship

He doesn’t need a girlfriend, he needs a therapist.

Why did it turn into a row with you? Whose fault was that?

You wouldn’t be wrong to supportively suggest that he is is allowed to cease all contact. You wouldn’t be wrong to state your boundary that whether he wants contact or not, you’re not interested in a relationship with someone still in contact with a problem ex.

So how did it turn into a row?
The issue isn’t that there was contact, the issue is that you couldn’t get to a place of breaking off that contact without the two of you having a row and the “dynamic changing”. That’s what stood out to me. What has changed?

I guess I feel that I have done wrong by exposing the inappropriateness of it all. That I have ruined it all for us?
I don't think that he is in love with her . I do think he is damaged from her though. I don't think she is pure evil but that she is a classic narcissist . She controlled, isolated, physically and once sexually abused him. All of this is true . It was a
Horrid situation .

If you nearly split up over something to do with his ex then sorry but he’s not a person to be in a relationship with right now.

You think you can fix him and wash away all the damage done by his ex
You can’t

He's in no way ready to be in another relationship.

I would end things kindly but briskly, suggest he gets some therapy, and if you wanted to, though I suspect you would actually be relieved at being out of this mess, where you're essentially in a psychological threesome with your boyfriend's ex get back in touch with you in a year or two, when he's stopped banging on about her all the time.

Also, another way of reading the situation is that he's not a damaged and fragile puppet but a manipulative type who's browbeating you with his nasty ex to keep you in line as 'nice, undemanding girlfriend'. Be wary of people who play the victim to this extent.

And you know what? “I’d love to read his mind”? That’s reason enough for me to walk away.

My 20s were full of men whose mind I just wanted to be able to read.
My 30s was a marriage to someone who I felt if only I could read his mind, we’d be able to work it out.

Guess what? They were all just men who couldn’t be bothered to explain themselves.

I spent my 40s post divorce with a man to whom I could just say, “hey - what’s up?” and he would just tell me what was on his mind.

If you truly believe you’ve found a little pot of gold under a lot of trauma caused by bitch ex girlfriend, then tell him to go see a therapist and come back for a date when you no longer need to “read his mind”.

She controlled, isolated, physically and once sexually abused him. All of this is true

How do you know it's true?

Relationships this new shouldn't be so full of angst and hard work. Get rid. He needs to work on himself before he gets involved with someone else. You're not his therapist.

@Cocomarine

And you know what? “I’d love to read his mind”? That’s reason enough for me to walk away.

My 20s were full of men whose mind I just wanted to be able to read.
My 30s was a marriage to someone who I felt if only I could read his mind, we’d be able to work it out.

Guess what? They were all just men who couldn’t be bothered to explain themselves.

I spent my 40s post divorce with a man to whom I could just say, “hey - what’s up?” and he would just tell me what was on his mind.

If you truly believe you’ve found a little pot of gold under a lot of trauma caused by bitch ex girlfriend, then tell him to go see a therapist and come back for a date when you no longer need to “read his mind”.

Hear, hear.

@titchy

She controlled, isolated, physically and once sexually abused him. All of this is true

How do you know it's true?

Relationships this new shouldn't be so full of angst and hard work. Get rid. He needs to work on himself before he gets involved with someone else. You're not his therapist.

And this.

Sounds like a whole load of drama about some ex when the relationship is supposed to be about you and him.

It sounds like a bad start to a relationship. I couldn't be bothered with that. It's supposed to be fun.

Get out. Way too much hassle

He had absolutely no problem deleting and blocking her number .
The row happened because I felt he was almost pretending not to see the manipulation and
Controlling beihaviour . I now realise that he had absolutely no idea what was going on . He just thought he was being helpful. This i s why he is so sad. I think he is damaged from it all. Worth staying???

I'd tend to agree with pp.

Sounds like your bf is the victim of narcissistic abuse, which means he has issues with self-worth, boundaries and learning not to take shit from people and stand up for himself. The fact he keeps mentioning her shows he hasn't processed the whole thing yet.

He needs a good therapist to get over it, don't fall into that role OP as it would probably sabotage your relationship.

@grapegreen

I guess I feel that I have done wrong by exposing the inappropriateness of it all. That I have ruined it all for us? I don't think that he is in love with her . I do think he is damaged from her though. I don't think she is pure evil but that she is a classic narcissist . She controlled, isolated, physically and once sexually abused him. All of this is true . It was a Horrid situation .

Surely the only way you would be feeling that you ruined anything, is if he made you feel that way? With that words or behaviour has be made you feel that things are ruined?

@grapegreen

He had absolutely no problem deleting and blocking her number . The row happened because I felt he was almost pretending not to see the manipulation and Controlling beihaviour . I now realise that he had absolutely no idea what was going on . He just thought he was being helpful. This i s why he is so sad. I think he is damaged from it all. Worth staying???

For your own sake and his, no.

He has never made me feel anything like it was my fault. I feel cherished and adored by him . This was an issue that needed to be dealt woth but it was very uncomfortable to deal with .