How to cope with upset new boyfriend?

[grapegreen]

We are together some months . I've posted about him before under a different name. He was treated appallingly through a few years by a woman who, from how he describes his experience is a classic narcissist . The relationship nearly
Cost him his family and friends and his mental health and he says he felt I

Like some of the other posters asked, do you actually have tangible proof that it was the ex who was so abusive? Because it could just as well be reversed and is classic, textbook stuff by manipulative men who paint the ex as the crazy psycho and engineer situations after constant torment for them to seemingly go nuts, when in reality, they might just be trying to stand up to an abuser. Every single thing you said, my abusive ex told me when I first met him and I was the saint and saviour but pretty soon, I got hoisted off that pedestal and had a very harsh landing on my behind. Difference was that I was very, very young at the time.

Anyway, regardless of who the abuser is, no relationship should have so much angst and drama so early on. The first few months should be about romance, exploration and a very happy time. Walk away, this is not appropriate this early on. Funny enough, my DH was emotionally and physically abused by his ex. He spent quite a while single afterwards to sort himself out. I only learned about his genuinely vile ex because I met another one of her victims, which prompted me to ask my partner what it was like.

He sounds a mess. Find yourself a nice straightforward boyfriend and leave this one to get on with it, or not.

I have to go against the grain here.
Op's situation is very similar to mine. DP and I got together a few months after he split from his wife. He was upset but when he met me he realised how wrong their relationship was. I showed him what a happy, healthy relationship is. I was happy to talk through the pain he went through as I know he needed to do so to move forward. I knew he didn't feel any love towards her once he saw what a proper relationship should feel like. Almost 3 years on and we couldn't be happier. Maybe it helps that we didn't live together and so he had his space. But every situation is not black and white and I am so glad I took the chance with him. It was the best decision I have ever made.

Red flags all over this.
I don't know whether it's because I'm mid 40s now and two bad long-term relationships behind me. Both involved men with "sob stories". They'd been mistreated by their families and by their exes and everyone was against them. Poor them etcetcetc.
And I now recognize in myself that I was trying to be a "fixer", wanting to "help them", wanting to "heal their pain".

I know now that if I get into a relationship with someone like that again it will go the same way and that in order to protect myself I need to get out the first time anything like that rears its ugly head. There's a difference between people who've had genuine difficulties and have overcome them or are working on overcoming them and people who just whinge on and want to make a drama out of everything and play the "helpless" card.

Protect yourself and get out of this. Take it from someone who has been there - it's not going to end well and it won't be long before he's crying to some other woman about you being a psycho ex who controlled him.

Hi Op, I've not read the full thread but I have read your messages and it does appear that you've had some good knowledgeable advice.

I think whether the issue is with him or his ex, this is a huge red flag and has the potential to destroy your relationship. Regardless it seems that he's not quite ready to commit to a new relationship, which if his previous relationship was so toxic is perfectly understandable and not a dig at him, but it seems like this might be a case of right man, wrong time.

I think he would benefit from counselling to help him come to terms and get closure from the previous relationship. I don't know if there is a male version of Freedom Programme? I'm sure someone on here will be able to point you in the right direction.

I'm sorry you're going through this and I hope you do get a good outcome

Run. What a waste of time and headspace having to think so much about a random woman

This won't end well

You sound co-dependent and like you are addicted to the drama

Walk away. No man is worth this.

My ex told me all of this and more. Not a word was true, he was the narcissist.

@AnyFucker

This won't end well

You sound co-dependent and like you are addicted to the drama

Walk away. No man is worth this.

Agreed. You're getting something out of this drama OP, whether it's subconscious or not. And it's important you acknowledge that so you can work out why and stop it happening again, or you're going to end up in a series of toxic relationships where red flags have either been ignored or actually drawn you in. It sounds like you have a tendency to be a bit of a drama llama which is why you romanticise / over egg everything. You need to work on that so that you can be objective in future and think - I've met someone who is still very much in the headspace of his last relationship and hasn't let the contact go, we are already having to have big chats and crisis talks about our issues just a few months in, those crisis talks relate to his ex... etc etc. All of that is so healthy. Also important to stop thinking "we would be really happy if it wasn't for this one thing" if that one thing is something massive or very toxic like this.

In my experience any time you have to tie yourself up in knots creating a narrative to explain why a man is the way he is (like you are doing here - putting the pieces together, speculating and analysing) the problem eventually turns out to be the man. I can't think of any exceptions.

But I think you'll stay with him and be name changing and posting again about this man in a couple of weeks time. You change your name because you know if people read the other threads they will definitely advise you to end the relationship. You don't want that. You want the one or two, "I stayed with him and eventually it worked out great" ones to cling on to. At some level you like the drama or you'd have ended it after the other threads and the advice you were given there.

My ex is an absolute classic (diagnosed narcissist)
I swear to god everyone thought he was the victim, his new friends (as he never really had any with me) believed he was a victim of abuse caused by not only me but his kids as well.
People have fallen over themselves to help him, house him, clothe him. This was 18 months ago - most have dropped him now.
He was a violent, passive aggressive women beater who cheated and lied and left me in more mess than I can begin to tell you.

I was young (17) when we got together so there was no crazy ex - but a crazy family who has subtlety and emotionally abused him and I fell for it. I spent the best part of 30 years putting him first because of his "trauma" - funny that I speak to all of his family who are very bewildered by his actions.

I (think I) read your first post and my blood ran cold then. It did when I read this post also.
I do not get a good feeling about this relationship at all. Please end it.

You're clinging to a man who is not emotionally available, nevermind everything else fucked up about him. Move on.

Always listen to AnyFucker. I escaped this shit thanks to her input.

You did it for yourself @ Gilead

And bloody well done to you. Once the penny drops, it's only a matter of time.