How to cope with upset new boyfriend?

[grapegreen]

We are together some months . I've posted about him before under a different name. He was treated appallingly through a few years by a woman who, from how he describes his experience is a classic narcissist . The relationship nearly
Cost him his family and friends and his mental health and he says he felt I

@titchy

She controlled, isolated, physically and once sexually abused him. All of this is true

How do you know it's true?

Relationships this new shouldn't be so full of angst and hard work. Get rid. He needs to work on himself before he gets involved with someone else. You're not his therapist.

When a woman makes such a statement about abuse etc her word is always accepted on MN, why not a man's word?

It is very very difficult to move on after a relationship with a narcissist, they thrive on your distress. I'm not sure I can advise on what might help you but can only say it took me nearly 2 years to feel anywhere like normal again.

I just needed Support to help me understand what's going on.

What's going on is that you picked the wrong person to start a relationship with.

being cherished and adored.

He's put you on a pedestal and you're rather enjoying posing on it.  

But he's already chipping away at your pedestal .Eventually you'll fall off and be re-identified as a heap of rubbish/ the narcissist who ruined his life.

When a woman makes such a statement about abuse etc her word is always accepted on MN, why not a man's word?

Because we're usually hearing it first hand, from the woman posting on here.

Listen we can all see that you love and adore him. He is however too badly damaged at the minute for a relationship. Take a step back suggest he gets some therapy and re evaluate in a year. Otherwise you will become his confidant and you will help him get over his ex but after that he will walk away to someone fresh . Sorry but I’ve seen it happen so much recently. X

You need to walk and tell him to go to therapy and come back in touch after. Trying to fix him won’t work.

It sounds as though you need time apart with this man, he will have to sort his mind out himself if he is mature enough to do so. You should not be having all his former problems on your shoulders, as this is causing yourself to have worries too.You can't really move forward with all this hanging in the air.

"We are together some months "

And that's all I really needed to know. It can't be very many months either, or you'd have said 'nearly a year' or similar.

A relationship shouldn't be this hard this soon. He is damaged and I frankly think he (and his family) should be the one's implementing the programme of repairs (counselling etc) and not his fairly new girlfriend. Maybe then he'd be ready for a relationship, because I really don't think his head is ready for that yet.

I think the more important thing you should be asking yourself is - why are you undertaking his repairs? Do you have a history of 'fixing' people? Are you drawn to them? Do you, in short, have a Saviour Complex?

Step back from this relationship, let him heal, and consider whether you need some help yourself.

Too many red flags so early in this relationship to continue for your own wellbeing.
Remember:
You are not a rehabilitation center
It is not your job to fix, change, parent or raise him
You want a partner not a project

FenellaVelour

I find it very interesting how quick people are to dismiss the idea of a “psycho ex” and turn it round on the man/victim being the issue, whereas I suppose they’d not dream of telling any of the women who post here about their violent abusive exes that it’s probably not true and they’re likely a bit dodgy.

Manipulative men will be attracted to women who they can manipulated. Abuse can start when the woman starts to show signs of weakness (from being ground down, usually) or if she stands up to him, he'll turn nasty. So, in a way, the woman would need to learn to recognise what behaviour is acceptable, not because she is to blame, but so that she is in a stronger position.

If OP feels 'loved and cherished' say 3 months into a relationship, might he be love bombing her?

Whatever it is it just seems too much 'drama' and she'd be well rid.

Has there ever been an ex in the world who has not been described as crazy or a narcissist? Anyway this sounds like far too much hard work and shouldn't be what a newish relationship is all about.

I notice you have accepted his description of his ex without question. You weren't in that relationship and don't know what, if anything, he contributed to it. Even friends and relatives of his only know what he has told them.

keeprocking I don't think what a woman says on here is always accepted, at least not by me. There are some cases where the man is 100% at fault, but I would say there are more where both sides were probably equally responsible.

Getting into a relationship before you are over the last one is like walking on a broken leg.

This.

He either isn't over her at all, or he's bullshitting you. Neither is a good scenario.

You are not a rehabilitation center
It is not your job to fix, change, parent or raise
You want a partner not a project

It's so disappointing as I really thought we had something worth developing. Thanks once more.

@Cocomarine

If you feel cherished and adored, why is it your second time posting about him, and why have you decided to name change so that his behaviour can’t be seen alongside whatever prompted you to post before?

Something isn’t right for you, or you wouldn’t be posting.

So you asked him to block her, and he did - no row.

So how did you end up in a row? Because you told him that the previous contact from her was part of the control, and he didn’t want to see that?

This.

Way too much drama, way too soon. It’s only been a few months and most of this must Have have been during lockdown, so you can’t even have spent that much time with him.

He needs a therapist not a GF.

Am torn between -
you can't fix someone else, especially at the start of a relationship; and
you seem to have been drawn into a dance led by her.

It's a possible red flag for someone to blame their ex and you seem fully invested in this. For the sake of argument, if this is the case then now she is deleted, you both need to focus on having a positive relationship rather than second guessing what she'll do and having her lead you both around a merry dance.

Good luck though I'm not sure whether that would lead to a happy relationship with your DP or with a new relationship for you, OP.

Meh. Your life with him will be you proving to him over and over what a nice loving person you are and how not like his ex you are. You can say goodbye to who you really are right here.

Part of me feels bad for causing him such pain by thrashing this out . I can see how badly it has affected him.

This is where your rescuer/saviour/nursey addiction sets in. You want to enjoy the feeling of being the good and nice person. It is addictive, and people who deep down want to lose themselves and gain a 'virtuous' self-image instead will succumb to this.

It will never be a healthy relationship of two mutually respectful adults.

@Cocomarine

And you know what? “I’d love to read his mind”? That’s reason enough for me to walk away.

My 20s were full of men whose mind I just wanted to be able to read.
My 30s was a marriage to someone who I felt if only I could read his mind, we’d be able to work it out.

Guess what? They were all just men who couldn’t be bothered to explain themselves.

I spent my 40s post divorce with a man to whom I could just say, “hey - what’s up?” and he would just tell me what was on his mind.

If you truly believe you’ve found a little pot of gold under a lot of trauma caused by bitch ex girlfriend, then tell him to go see a therapist and come back for a date when you no longer need to “read his mind”.

Boy have you hit the nail on the head. The absolute joy of finally having a partner that can communicate and is happy to do so.

OP I’m not sure if you realise that relationships should never be this hard work. They really shouldn’t.

I can't make sense of this.

Your boyfriend tells everyone the ex is a severely abusive narcissist yet keeps in touch with her. When you point out its weird he pretends to not understand and claims he was being helpful to his abusive ex.Now he's stunned and sad and playing the victim.

I'd run a mile.

You sound like a fixer op. No judgement, i'm probably one too but i thnk maybe I'm a good few years older than you and have a t of distance between my best fixing episodes and now!. Believe me, it is not your job to fix him, as traumatic as it sounds for him, this is not your problem yet he is making it so (and you are too).

In a long term relationship yes i think we owe our partners support etc but as so many pps have said this is the honeymoon period, you do not owe him diagnosis of him or his ex. You don't need to be bringing anything to his attention. He sounds rather manipulative to me.

I'd run.

It amazes me that anyone could be bothered with such tedious drama.

However hard it is to hear... You are his rebound relationship. He really isn't free if his last one yet.

Think about it from a step back.... is this what you want your one true love to be? Always worrying about his ex, his response, your own response. Let alone whether or not he will pour it all out in you, you support him, he regains his equilibrium and decides he needs a fresh start.

It happens a lot. Do you want to spend a few years being his emotional support?

If you don't like the sound of it then do something sooner rather than later.

She drops a text or a call every few months. These have ramped up lately

If he hasn’t blocked this “crazy ex” it’s because he still wants her to be in contact. I think you’re on a hiding to nothing with him. Sorry love, but he’s playing you. I’d dump him.