How to cope with upset new boyfriend?

[grapegreen]

We are together some months . I've posted about him before under a different name. He was treated appallingly through a few years by a woman who, from how he describes his experience is a classic narcissist . The relationship nearly
Cost him his family and friends and his mental health and he says he felt I

He needs to be happy on his own before he can be happy with you.

@grapegreen

No armchair diagnosing . I'm Stating things as they are. I just needed so Support to help me understand what's going on. Part of me feels bad for causing him such pain by thrashing this out . I can see how badly it has affected him. We rowed because I thought he was pretending not to see the manipulation/ control etc whereas I know that he genuinely didn't. His biggest issue now is that he thought he had dealt with the residual trauma but believe he hasn't

What's going on is you appear to be confusing the role of girlfriend with that of therapist or social worker. This relationship is only months old and should be in the honeymoon phase where it's all laughs and fun. Instead, you've got a world of grief and nonsense to deal with because of his emotional baggage. Why are you subjecting yourself to this? Being a martyr is really not all it's cracked up to be.

Sounds like you thrive off the drama bit.

Either its all true, in which case he needs a therapist not a new girlfriend to arm chair diagnose and make him more miserable by hashing it all out in an unproductive way, or its a load of bullshit that he's using to control you and make you feel guilty and sorry for him.
Why have you heard things from his family? Why are you discussing it with them?

My question to anyone in your situation would be, why would younwant to be in that situation?

I’m a bit doubtful about the OP if I’m honest. They say the relationship is ‘some’ months old? How old? 2 months? 9 months? There is a reason we aren’t being told how many months.

Why has the OP name changed while saying it’s not the first time they’ve posted about this relationship.

If you want my opinion, the OP has been with this bloke 3 months. She’s posted before about what a red flag factory he is and pages of posters have given her a unanimous response of LTB. The OP is loving the drama of the relationship so has posted again obscuring the details to feed their need for more drama.

Any posters responding are wasting their time as the OP is just looking for more drama, not advice.

Why the hell, a few months into a new relationship are you discussing his ex with his family?

Do you realise how not normal that is?

It sounds like you've enjoying rooting around in his mind trying to psychoanalyse him and come up with some kind of excuse why he keeps taking about, and kept in touch with, his ex.

It never occured to him to delete and block her before you suggested it. Ok then .

If that's genuinely the case, he needs a therapist and you need to move on. If he's genuinely got some kind of PTSD from this previous relationship then what you're doing with your armchair psychology is dangerous.

I find it very interesting how quick people are to dismiss the idea of a “psycho ex” and turn it round on the man/victim being the issue, whereas I suppose they’d not dream of telling any of the women who post here about their violent abusive exes that it’s probably not true and they’re likely a bit dodgy.

I don't agree that him talking about her means he is not over her. From experience, I know another relationship means you can see how bad the other one was. In a similar position and we have been together almost 3 years and extremely happy.
Nothing wrong with him talking with you about her but he has to make it clear that he has no interest in going back with her and does sound like he needs therapy as well as your support.

FenellaVelour

I find it very interesting how quick people are to dismiss the idea of a “psycho ex” and turn it round on the man/victim being the issue, whereas I suppose they’d not dream of telling any of the women who post here about their violent abusive exes that it’s probably not true and they’re likely a bit dodgy.

No, most posters are telling the OP to avoid this relationship like the plague, because getting involved with someone else’s unresolved relationship drama is a very bad idea indeed.

It doesn't sound like he's ready for a new relationship and is perhaps looking for the wrong things in a relationship.

You might want to think about that, and whether that says something about your own situation and what you look for in a relationship.

Women who end up in abusive relationship have a habit of getting into a cycle of forming new relationship which are far from ideal because they haven't resolved their previous issues...

My ex used to say all of these things about his ex with his family backing him up, and I to believed it. I then endured 5 years of hell with him, then he started cheating on me with the ex and now he tells everyone im the narcissist ex that his ex apparently once was to. If all of it is generally true and he is just hurt he needs a really good therapist to talk to. If not then you'll be "the next narcissist ex". Also it is not uncommon for victims of narcissists to come back to the abuser whether a text, call, meet up or whatever as its hard to let go of that bond without professional help. Please be cautious and look out for subtle signs testing you in the early days

Why are you with someone who has emotional baggage with his ex and is still recovering form the relationship? This guy isn’t ready to be in a relationship and it’s unfair on you to have to pick up his broken pieces. You are not his therapist or his rebound. Walk away or you will only get hurt.

they’d not dream of telling any of the women who post here about their violent abusive exes that it’s probably not true and they’re likely a bit dodgy

Totally different, because in that case we're hearing it direct from the horses mouth, it's not third hand information.

I'm always very sceptical when a poster comes on here to tell everyone that just months (and what they actually mean is weeks) into a new relationship their new boyfriend or girlfriend has given a lengthy and detailed "psycho ex" speil - and it always becomes a 'feature' of the new relationship.

Any normal person, hearing that just weeks into dating, would run for the hills.

The ones that don't, well they turn out to be frequent posters on here, namechanging but easily recognisable, thriving off the drama and often eager to get themselves involved in aggro with the ex on their boy/girlfriends behalf, right in the middle of it all.

It's not your concern. Tell him so. Then walk away and don't look back.

"Narcissist " is a big red flag word these days short for "I know bugger all about psychiatric diagnosis". It's taken over from cod insults like "psycho" and "split personality".

OF COURSE he knew how to block her texts and calls; he chose not to because they were part of the pity-me backstory he's spun you.

He's manipulating and controlling you. Telling you he will not tolerate anything you do that reminds him of her. You had a row, = you made him angry sad and disgusted. How long before he threatens self harm and blames you, or sobs how "remorseful" he is for lashing out and hurting you?

 You're right, he is damaged;  and you can't fix it. Just walk away now .

How often do you laugh together?

@FenellaVelour

I find it very interesting how quick people are to dismiss the idea of a “psycho ex” and turn it round on the man/victim being the issue, whereas I suppose they’d not dream of telling any of the women who post here about their violent abusive exes that it’s probably not true and they’re likely a bit dodgy.

Reading the OPs posts I think it’s difficult to tell. However it sounds like either way this is not a good relationship. If he has been abused then the way the OP seems to be pushing him to admit his “trauma” is at best misguided and at worst very damaging.

Or he’s manipulating the Op by saying things like “don’t do x and y ad I’m traumatised and therefore you are not allowed to upset me”.

Thanks everyone . I have lots to think about . I do hate the drama and I am disappointed as I believed he was a good one but have no place for this in my life .

No it's not worth staying. He needs to heal the damage she caused before getting into a new relationship. I'm surprised he told you any of this. I don't have any interest in my partners ex.

We laugh all the time . That's the pity . Besides this issue it is a lovely easy relationship .

It really doesn’t sound like you hate drama or you wouldn’t be poking around in his relationship past, discussing his ex with a range of different people, dishing our diagnoses or writing threads on MN.

But taking you at your word, if you hate it then just walk away. I wonder if you suspect he’ll go back to her if you dump him.

she is a classic narcissist . She controlled, isolated, physically and once sexually abused him. All of this is true

You mean,all of that is what he told you. You don't know if it's true.

Agree with PP.

You’ll end up being the woman that ‘fixes’ him for someone else to enjoy.

He is not really in the right place emotionally to be in a relationship with anybody at the moment, is he?

It is not your responsibility or within your capability to fix this. You can't. He has to come to terms with this himself, with the aid of further counselling if necessary.

You mentioned that you’ve posted about him before - was it on the same issue or another? To be honest if a relationship of a few months warrants two MN posts it’s not a good sign.

I would be off OP.

This is just the beginning as well - its meant to be fun and exciting, not panicking about what crazy ex girlfriend is going to do and being a therapist to your new boyfriend.

Whilst I have sympathy for your partner, no one should be abused in a relationship, it is not up to you to sort this for him. If he is still struggling he needs to get proper support for it. You will be doing him a disservice if you don't encourage him to do this and focus on his mental health and wellbeing for now rather than a new relationship. His head sounds like it is all over the place still. Don't put yourself through this either - why would you?

When I was 20, I would have tried to fix him. I would have believed that my love and care could heal him and we could create a wonderful relationship together.

At 47, I would wish him well and move on. Getting into a relationship before you are over the last one is like walking on a broken leg.