To open a cafe?

[turnandfacethenamechange]

Its nearly five am here and I'm still awake fretting about everything.

So I thought now might be a good time to open that sandwich bar I've always dreamed of owning.

While it has the distinct drawback of being entirely imaginary, that does mean shelf life, kitchen space and profit margins are less of a concern.

Here's the menu:

BREKKIE: served til 11am.

• In a large soft white or granary bap: Sausage, bacon or fried egg (red or brown sauce). Opinion to add mushrooms, cooked tomatoes and a hash brown.
• Vegan brekkie wrap (tofu scramble, tofurkey sausage, red peppers).

LUNCH
Available on basic sliced, thick-cut, in baguette or in wrap or panini where practical; all with optional salad:

• chicken/ham/roast beef salad
• chicken, bacon and avo
• chicken mayo and sweetcorn
• coronation chicken
• roast beef, horseradish, watercress
• corned beef and mustard
• ham and tomato
• brie, cranberry and bacon
• B, L, T
• bacon and avo
• smoked salmon and cream cheese
• dill trout in lemon mayo
• tuna mayo
• tuna salad (tuna mayo with chopped peppers, red onion and sweetcorn)
• seafood cocktail
• prawn in Marie rose
• egg mayo
• boiled egg and tomato
• cheddar and salad (pickle?)
• brie and cranberry
• mozerella and mixed roast veg
• pesto, mozerella, pine nuts and tomato
• cream cheese, pineapple and cucumber
• peanut butter and banana
• marmite and cucumber
• tapinade, grated carrot and salad
• hummus salad
• tofu (vegan) mayo with capers
• curried chickpea smash

I can add a sprinkling of ready salted crisps from the big bowl on the counter for an extra 15p.

TODAY'S HOT SPECIALS:

• Shark Bap (deep fried battered dogfish pieces in a bap with homemade tartare sauce)
• Pumpkin Pasty

Usual enigma variations of coffee. Milk; moo, oat or soy. Hot chocolate. Cold drinks in the fridge behind you.

What can I get you?

Il have a cheese, marmite and cucumber please.

Do you offer home made soup to take out too?

All I ask is that you do coffee in small, medium & large and no 2oz 6 oz 8oz or whatever it is.

Proper size mugs. Proper coffee and at a decent price

A coffee and banana cake deal would go down a storm.

Cream tea is a must but don't skimp on the jam and cream. And charge extra for the emmets who put the cream on first

I need something which can't easily be made in a house during lockdown

Did I mention it's four tiers high with cream cheese frosting and edible glitter?

No, thank YOU! Finally someone else who agrees! I'm not keen on cucumber and cheese though

Do you offer home made soup

Absolutely not. I am a soup-ist.
It's not food it just a confused hot drink.

Did I mention it's four tiers high with cream cheese frosting and edible glitter?

Yeah OK I'll give it a try!

Absolutely not. I am a soup-ist.
It's not food it just a confused hot drink.

😂😂😂

Come to think of it, four tiers of banana loaf would look like a multi storey carpark.

It's now nearly six thirty and am still wide awake but enormously cheered up by the reaction to my new venture.

BBC, bacon, brie and cranberry, slightly melted brie, hot bacon in a baguette, please. One of those submarine sized baguettes. And a mug of tea.

Do you have coffee and walnut cake?

Cheese and tomato sandwich, with a side of ploughman's pickle, a mini pork pie, some rocket and some silverskin onions.

Or a Cornish pasty with a nice cup of tea.

Please

5 choices of sandwiches are fine, even then people will take the piss and want 16 changes made to it.
Are the staff paid poverty wages? If they’re imaginarily exposed to the rancid general public breathing their order into their ears/having spit sprayed over their hands as they set orders down/being coughed on while being on their feet for 8+hours etc they deserve being paid enough to afford housing.

Have you got air con? All those machines give off heat and the shop will be over 40degrees all summer.

If you're doing marmite and cucumber then I am there. I will make pilgrimages.

But it has to be on something open - not on a sandwich. So a bagel or two bits of sourdough left open. OMG I'm having that for lunch tomorrow. I might even defrost the really good butter I've been saving hoarding

A raspberry Blondie, soup and toast, air con and unlimited drinks for the staff, thanks! And PPE.

If you can make it camembert with the cucumber and marmite baguette, I'll see you tomorrow lunchtime.

I don't suppose you do juices? I'm after a fresh carrot, orange and ginger one ?

Def a brownie to offset that goodness please - thank you

Can I sit in that seat in the sun please? Have a friend joining me shortly - thank you

1105 and you won't sell me a rl on sausage but you'll sell trout and whatever. You'll no go far in Scotland without an all dayer!!

Can you expand the menu please?

If so, I'd like dolcelatte and strawberry jam on toasted ciabatta with a skinny latte please

Never peanut butter and banana though

Certainly not...however, almond butter with banana and cinnamon is nice on toast.

It's not what I'd want from a cafe though. Ham and cheese (one of both of which must be smoked) with some good chutney in toasted sourdough, slices off a loaf not baguette. Can't decide if I want tea or a cappuccino with that.

Can I request an early noughties classic of crayfish, rocket and mayonnaise?

Do you do toasties?

Hummus, avocado, semi dried tomatoes and pesto on a yeasty soft roll, please. With a sprinkle of lemon juice and some caramelised onions.

Toasted.

Is the peanut butter and banana in wholemeal bread? If so, yes please. With a latte if that's OK?

Omg ham and cheese toastie .... I’ll have a daily order to collect please. 1pm be ok?

Can I have a half a smoked salmon and cream cheese bagel and half a corned beef sandwich (couldn’t decide) with some salt and vInegar walkers and a Rio tropical please 😬

Are the staff paid poverty wages? If they’re imaginarily exposed to the rancid general public breathing their order into their ears/having spit sprayed over their hands as they set orders down/being coughed on while being on their feet for 8+hours etc they deserve being paid enough to afford housing

Blimy, bet your games of shop with DC are a laugh

The imaginary staff (me) are both minted and thoroughly weaponised unionised.

I managed to go to sleep btw. I dreamed I threw a Welly boot at a landrover and was charged with assault. Everyone on MN said I WBU.