To open a cafe?

[turnandfacethenamechange]

Its nearly five am here and I'm still awake fretting about everything.

So I thought now might be a good time to open that sandwich bar I've always dreamed of owning.

While it has the distinct drawback of being entirely imaginary, that does mean shelf life, kitchen space and profit margins are less of a concern.

Here's the menu:

BREKKIE: served til 11am.

• In a large soft white or granary bap: Sausage, bacon or fried egg (red or brown sauce). Opinion to add mushrooms, cooked tomatoes and a hash brown.
• Vegan brekkie wrap (tofu scramble, tofurkey sausage, red peppers).

LUNCH
Available on basic sliced, thick-cut, in baguette or in wrap or panini where practical; all with optional salad:

• chicken/ham/roast beef salad
• chicken, bacon and avo
• chicken mayo and sweetcorn
• coronation chicken
• roast beef, horseradish, watercress
• corned beef and mustard
• ham and tomato
• brie, cranberry and bacon
• B, L, T
• bacon and avo
• smoked salmon and cream cheese
• dill trout in lemon mayo
• tuna mayo
• tuna salad (tuna mayo with chopped peppers, red onion and sweetcorn)
• seafood cocktail
• prawn in Marie rose
• egg mayo
• boiled egg and tomato
• cheddar and salad (pickle?)
• brie and cranberry
• mozerella and mixed roast veg
• pesto, mozerella, pine nuts and tomato
• cream cheese, pineapple and cucumber
• peanut butter and banana
• marmite and cucumber
• tapinade, grated carrot and salad
• hummus salad
• tofu (vegan) mayo with capers
• curried chickpea smash

I can add a sprinkling of ready salted crisps from the big bowl on the counter for an extra 15p.

TODAY'S HOT SPECIALS:

• Shark Bap (deep fried battered dogfish pieces in a bap with homemade tartare sauce)
• Pumpkin Pasty

Usual enigma variations of coffee. Milk; moo, oat or soy. Hot chocolate. Cold drinks in the fridge behind you.

What can I get you?

If you can make it camembert with the cucumber and marmite baguette, I'll see you tomorrow lunchtime

Ay. See you then, fancy-pants!

Sounds mouthwateringly fantastic. Glad it's a dream though as any new business venture in the next year will be a tough call.

Mash, chunky chips, boiled potatoes, roast potatoes and a jacket potato embedded with chillies all on the same plate will be fine for me thank you.

I'm going to have a shark bap, with the addition of some wild rocket.

I would love some home made iced fruit tea to go with it.

Then I'll have a cherry scone with thick slices of butter and a hazelnut latte.

I also want a big huge couch to loll on, and no other customers to disturb me.

In fact, make it a cat cafe and I'll be even happier.

(not that I'm demanding or anything!)

@Electrical.

You have to be very careful having a sense of humour. It's considered more dangerous than the old 0.2A bite to some people, and the rest just find it offensive. Most have not indulged in a Jimmy Carr gig.

I'm more a mid morning snack or afternoon tea person, so please can we add in cheese scones, warmed up? Or toasted tea cake with proper butter?

I assume dogs are allowed - well unless it is a cat cafe in which case it will be mayhem!

make it a cat cafe and I'll be even happier

Mnnn I've heard they're very smelly though

Mash, chunky chips, boiled potatoes, roast potatoes and a jacket potato embedded with chillies

good lord, I thought I was the queen of carbohydrates. I take my hat off to you.

I'd like dolcelatte and strawberry jam

Can this be a thing?? That's the blue cheese right?

I'll have a coronation chicken baguette with salad, please - do you have any mango chutney?

You need much more healthier options. I’d read that and walk away.

Smashed avocado on rye bread
Followed by berry fruit salad and dollop of Greek yoghurt
Really really really good coffee (that is what will bring most)

And I’d like half portion fry up option for under 10s

Definitely yes to pineapple in a sandwich - the cheese and pineapple sandwiches at work are amazing!

Could you expand a bit and offer a roast in a baguette? We used to get that delivered once a week at work - a chunk of baguette arrived with meat down the middle, veggies one side, potatoes the other, yorkshires if it was beef, mint sauce if lamb, apple sauce if pork etc, and topped with gravy. Was heaven in a foil wrapped package for lunch :-)

Please can I have two soft boiled eggs with marmite soldiers and a coffee?

I've come back for breakfast, please may I have fried egg on toast with a hot chocolate? Also that dream is hilarious, wish mine were that interesting

A bacon roll please, butter no sauce. And a tea. Thanks

I don't like sandwiches. Crisps in a bowl.on the counter? Horrible heavy food. Not for me.

I would come if your coffee is superb.

Could you expand a bit and offer a roast in a baguette? We used to get that delivered once a week at work - a chunk of baguette arrived with meat down the middle, veggies one side, potatoes the other, yorkshires if it was beef, mint sauce if lamb, apple sauce if pork etc, and topped with gravy. Was heaven in a foil wrapped package for lunch

What MADNESS is this?? Did you not need a shower afterwards??

I don't like sandwiches...Horrible heavy food

Oi, I don't come to your church and chat shit about your religion.

A cafe? Just what I need on my commute (from the sofa to the dining table). I'll have a fried egg bap, please and could you break the egg so I don't get any spillage on my work clothes (currently a dressing gown.)

@joystir59

Not very JOYful there love!

OP do you have rye bread?
If so I’d like a smoked salmon and cream cheese on rye please.
And a flat white. Proper milk.
Better grab an apple too if you have one- though don’t worry if not. Don’t really want it anyway.
The kid will just have 17 sausages in a box. He’ll only throw the bread away if I give him a sandwich

I'll have a fried egg bap, please and could you break the egg so I don't get any spillage on my work clothes

Fine but IMO the jeopardy is part of the fun.

Can I suggest a shorter sandwich menu, but to be changed regularly, so say 6-8 choices at a time. This will give you much less wastage, and also mean people don't stand around dithering, which (if there's only one of you) will make the whole ordering/making process quite slow. I may have thought about this too much.

"Available on basic sliced, thick-cut"

The most important part of a butty is the bread, and a Mother's Pride sliced is rubbish. Can we have a lovely crusty bloomer please? White is fine, indeed obligatory, for bacon and fish finger butties.

Fortunately it being imaginary I have no such concern Also for every one suggesting shortening the menu Someone else wants something not on it. What's the weather like in the UK? Iced latte/chocolate milk anyone?