To open a cafe?

[turnandfacethenamechange]

Its nearly five am here and I'm still awake fretting about everything.

So I thought now might be a good time to open that sandwich bar I've always dreamed of owning.

While it has the distinct drawback of being entirely imaginary, that does mean shelf life, kitchen space and profit margins are less of a concern.

Here's the menu:

BREKKIE: served til 11am.

• In a large soft white or granary bap: Sausage, bacon or fried egg (red or brown sauce). Opinion to add mushrooms, cooked tomatoes and a hash brown.
• Vegan brekkie wrap (tofu scramble, tofurkey sausage, red peppers).

LUNCH
Available on basic sliced, thick-cut, in baguette or in wrap or panini where practical; all with optional salad:

• chicken/ham/roast beef salad
• chicken, bacon and avo
• chicken mayo and sweetcorn
• coronation chicken
• roast beef, horseradish, watercress
• corned beef and mustard
• ham and tomato
• brie, cranberry and bacon
• B, L, T
• bacon and avo
• smoked salmon and cream cheese
• dill trout in lemon mayo
• tuna mayo
• tuna salad (tuna mayo with chopped peppers, red onion and sweetcorn)
• seafood cocktail
• prawn in Marie rose
• egg mayo
• boiled egg and tomato
• cheddar and salad (pickle?)
• brie and cranberry
• mozerella and mixed roast veg
• pesto, mozerella, pine nuts and tomato
• cream cheese, pineapple and cucumber
• peanut butter and banana
• marmite and cucumber
• tapinade, grated carrot and salad
• hummus salad
• tofu (vegan) mayo with capers
• curried chickpea smash

I can add a sprinkling of ready salted crisps from the big bowl on the counter for an extra 15p.

TODAY'S HOT SPECIALS:

• Shark Bap (deep fried battered dogfish pieces in a bap with homemade tartare sauce)
• Pumpkin Pasty

Usual enigma variations of coffee. Milk; moo, oat or soy. Hot chocolate. Cold drinks in the fridge behind you.

What can I get you?

You get a free coffee if you come in with a Samoyed.

I'm definitely coming to your cafe if Samoyeds are going to be there.

You couldn't see my doggo because he's stashed neatly under the table with just his nose out. He's waiting for a sausage, even though that may seem a little cannibalistic.

Do you serve porridge with seeds and berries or dried fruits or whatever, and a smidgin of cream?

If not then I'd be torn between smoked salmon and scrambled eggs or a good bacon butty with lots of tomato K. And a pot of tea, obviously.

Red sauce is actually called tomato ketchup

Op

And none of that bloody 'purple slaw' which seems to pop up it's ugly purple gopping head everywhere.

Can I also confirm your delish food will be served in bags or on plates?

Not presented on

Roof tiles
Chopping boards
Or Recycled glass trays

Red sauce is actually called tomato ketchup

Apologies, I'm on more familiar terms with it, ever since the uni flatmate for whom it was a staple. Her 'bolognese' was mince, a can of corn and lashings of tomato K. (don't add that to the cafe menu...)

What is this sacrilege? Red sauce is red sauce! None of this tomato ketchup rubbish!

so - I used to order this from an amazing sandwich bar, do you have

emmental cheese
celery
salad cream

on thick granary or thick farmhouse white bread please.

Food of the gods, still love it. (memo to self, order some emmental cheese)

Large white tea, but only in a china mug.
I'll eat in, conversation is good round here.

Can I just have one of absolutely everything, please???

Proper diet Coke not Pepsi (which lots of cafes do bc they get it cheaper but can charge the same price I think) and definitely not one of those healthy alternatives which taste disgusting (you can stock them as an option but not the only option please). I don't go to a café for healthy.

Just a cheese scone please.

Wait, your sandwich fillings aren’t two metres apart?!!!

@turnandfacethenamechange.
Forgot my favourite. A side order of Scallop potatoes in cheese sauce.

Yeah, cat cafes are pretty smelly and normally don't do food just a coffee and cake from Costco.

I could kill for an all-day brekkie right now, loads of good sausages, some eggs, grilled tomatoes, beans and potato scones would be good.

Hey OP - got any vacancies going? I'm bored of my actual job, quite fancy a go in your imaginary cafe. I'll have to be part-time because I'm not good at early starts, and have zero catering experience. I'm quite lazy and likely to eat a significant amount of the cake stock. But on the bright side I have excellent chatting skills and I'll be bringing my basset hound who will be thrilled to see any and all customers - can she be the official greeter? Get back to me, I do have other irons in the fire though......

I'll have a sausage bap with red sauce and a hot chocolate for my breakfast.

And take a tuna and cheese baguette (yes I'm an awkward customer but it's so nice), crisps, brownie and a can of coke.

There's no reason at all for why I can't lose weight.

NotTheMrMenAgain I mean, I cannot refuse that can I. What's Bassets name?

No purple slaw here. Even the word is banned.

And take a tuna and cheese baguette

That's not awkward! Although I never understood the tuna melt panini phenomenon. I deliberately used undressed tuna and cheese for them but several people insisted on the tuna mayo. Hot tuna mayo? Blergh, wronguns. Ditto anything hot with avos in.

Fresh vegetable samosas here, hot from the oven.

Can I just have one of absolutely everything, please???

Alright. Where are you parked? I'll get the basset to pop them in the boot.

This is Chewie. She can't be trusted around cheese (or most food, to be honest). Just so you know.....

I'll get the basset to pop them in the boot.

That should work well... you'll need a ramp.

ErrolTheDragon it's okay - Chewie comes fully equipped with her own ramp. But it's very surprising how high a Basset can you stretch or jump when there's food involved......

I really despair of people on MN sometimes. Don't you know there is a global pandemic and cafes/restaurants have been closed? Yet you want to open a brand new business facing the public and serving food (which anyone could cough on and infect people) pus putting staff at risk? If I knew you in RL I would be reporting you, don't be so fucking stupid and educate yourself.

JOKE just a bit disappointed no one has not properly read the thread and posted this. MNers are letting me down.

I'll have a cinnamon whirl please.

Welcome aboard Chewie

If you want to get any women in you also have to offer Prosecco and some kind of cupcakes. I believe those 2 things make up at least 86% of a woman's diet. If you can make a Prosecco cupcake and put it in a sandwich you'll do great business.

WeBuilt Sorry, I've only been here 10 minutes but I've already eaten the last cinnamon whirl. How about a slice of carrot cake? Or Victoria sponge?

MrMen did you eat it or are you covering for Chewie?