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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU not to want to live where my boyfriend has chosen to live

111 replies

Petals23 · 13/03/2020 07:48

So we're together nearly 4 years. We were living in the same town, each with our own properties. After 2 years together he decided to move to another town 1 hour away. As a result we see less of each other. This is not a place I'd choose to live as I have an hour's commute to my job anyway and he lives other direction and if I was travelling from there in rush hour traffic it would be about 4 and a half hours in car each day. We haven't really discussed moving in together but he knows that I wouldn't be on for doing this - anyway I like the town I live in and feel this was totally his decision. I know there's no way he'd consider living in my cottage as he thinks his place is superior, hasn't said this outright but in a roundabout way refers to it. A while ago he said to me I can be stubborn at times, which annoyed me as I know I'm not, and I know he was probably referring to our situation. I don't think I'm being unreasonable or stubborn, am I?

OP posts:
Dozer · 13/03/2020 07:52

YANBU to want to continue to live near work etc. It doesn’t sound like the relationship is likely to progress to living together.

If he was referring to your choices he was indeed U to refer to you as “stubborn”: perhaps he really meant that it irritates him that you didn’t/won’t prioritise his wishes/needs over yours!

stayingontherail · 13/03/2020 07:53

Not wanting to commute for 4 hours isn’t stubborn, it is a reasonable factor you are using to make a decision.

Are you absolutely sure the “stubborn” remark relates to the living situation? I wonder if the living situation is just on your mind a lot so you’ve made that assumption.

Oilyoilyoilgob · 13/03/2020 07:54

Have you ever talked about moving in together, or when he was moving did he reference living together or how it’s impact you for work?

After fours years I’d have thought there’d have been SOME kind of this chat going on (I’m not saying the onus was on you for that, or on you to move).

There’s no way on this planet I’d live anywhere that’d give me such a ridiculous commute. I left a job after a few months because it was an hours commute, I couldn’t stand it!

Do you want to be in a relationship with him?

CuriousaboutSamphire · 13/03/2020 07:55

Doesn't sound like either of you think the other is The One! I'd just ponder that for a while and move on...

Treacletoots · 13/03/2020 07:56

I'm sorry OP. Your partners actions are of a man who gives precisely 0 fucks about you and your needs.

He won't improve and will likely do something similar in the future.

I'd take this opportunity to step away from this person and move on with your life, away from this selfish arse.

Minesabecks · 13/03/2020 07:57

It is unusual to be together for four years and have not discussed living together at all, surely! I would say in this case no discussion is the discussion.

Nanny0gg · 13/03/2020 07:59

What did you say when he told you of his plans to move? What was his thinking?

Have you had any discussions 're your futures?

xoxoluna · 13/03/2020 08:08

YANBU.

What are his reasons for moving? Did he get a new job? After 4 years, one would suppose he would discuss with you about moving away or moving in together. It sounds like he doesn't really see a future with you in it.

dontdisturbmenow · 13/03/2020 08:08

Well either both of you come up with compromises, or you continue as you are or you go separate ways. What matters is that you are on the same wavelength as to which you are both comfortable with.

What were his reasons to move? Has he said he would expect you to move to his new place? And then what? Get a new job or travel.

It really depends on the situation. If he moved because he was relocated and he does a niche job, so didn't really have a choice, whilst you do a job when you could more easily relocate (teacher, nurse), then it wouldn't be unreasonable to expect you to make the move if taking the next step of commitment is on the card.

It is not reasonable if he moved because he wants to be close to his friends, and expect you to give up a secure job that you would be unlikely to get in his new town.

VettiyaIruken · 13/03/2020 08:11

Tbh unless there's a hell of a reason for the relocation, I'd take moving an hour away from you after 2 years as a fairly big hint.

You need to ask yourself how bothered is he, really, about this relationship.

MaomiMak · 13/03/2020 08:12

Absolutely not unreasonable

4 hours is one 6th of your day.

Given you're asleep for for 7-8 hours then that's over half your day gone and the rest at work.

Over 4 years together and he moves away without discussion

I'd wonder if this was serious.

How old are you both?

NailsNeedDoing · 13/03/2020 08:13

If you haven’t discussed living together then what’s the problem? He’s still doing what is right for him and you are still free to do what is right for you.

Is he putting pressure on you to move nearer him or expecting you to do something you don’t want to do?

Maybe it’s time for a chat about the future to check that you both want the same things from the relationship.

freeingNora · 13/03/2020 08:14

Sounds like he wants you to make all the sacrifices. That's a very entitled attitude and he's not even marrying you. He wants the keys to the kingdom with no work attached if I'm right you'll find this behaviour and attitude has leaked out on occasion

Life partners are best if it's an equal partnership this is not that sounds like your relationship has run its course

Google the sunken costs fallacy it's really interesting

But no yanbu

KatherineJaneway · 13/03/2020 08:15

Why did he move?

Tbh, it doesn't sound like the relationship is going anywhere.

IAmcuriousyellow · 13/03/2020 08:16

Why so keen to live together anyway? Just have a relationship from your respective houses. Seems to me when people start moving in together all the unmet expectations bubble up and things go tits up!! If you’re happy where you are and he’s decided to be happy elsewhere let it be.

SuburbanFraggle · 13/03/2020 08:18

Hrs dumped you. He still hopes to get some sex, but you as a person, he's not that bothered with or he wouldn't have moved an hour away without long and serious discussion.

There's a cake shop I like. If I moved away I wouldn't bother telling them but would still pop in when I'm nearby. If they did free delivery to my house I wouldn't say no, but in fairness I wouldn't spend more than 3 minutes of my day thinking on it. That's how he is treating you.

JuniperSnowberry · 13/03/2020 08:33

Totally agree with Suburban

What are you getting out of this relationship? Why was there not a discussion at the 2 year mark before he moved about you getting a place together? Or did you want him to move in with you.

Also how old are you and how old is he?

Zaphodsotherhead · 13/03/2020 08:50

What were his reasons for moving? If they are understandable (relocated for job, only area he could afford to buy, etc) then he's still selfish, but it's a little easier to see where he's coming from.

If it was just 'because he wanted to', then that tells you all you need to know about his view of your relationship. You are less of a priority than his 'nice house', his job, his comfort.

I did eight years with a bloke and didn't move in with him. Sooo glad I didn't! Keep your own place and find someone closer.

Billben · 13/03/2020 08:52

His decision or not, if my partner of 2 years moved further from me rather than closer, I would be seriously reconsidering the relationship.

Horsefeather · 13/03/2020 08:53

So who travels to see who? Have you in fact, as @SuburbanFraggle suggests, been ditched but not noticed? Don’t you talk to one another about major life decisions?

NotStayingIn · 13/03/2020 08:57

I think the only way living together could ever work in the future is if you both give up your places (or rent them out) and find somewhere that works for you both. A location you both like, a property you both like.

But I must admit unless there is a very good reason as to why things ended up the way they are now I wouldn't personally put too much faith into this relationship lasting. Sorry.

PickAChew · 13/03/2020 08:57

Not only do you need to stay put, you need to move on. You don't figure in his plans and he has told you quite plainly that, if you express any opinion over issues like this, then you're being difficult.

TorkTorkBam · 13/03/2020 09:06

I assume you are both older people, in which case not moving in together is really very normal. Well, it's what I see quite commonly in people 50+ who are finished with marriage and babies. Get together a lot for fun. Live separately. Finances separate. Housework separate. Taste in furnishing separate. Fewer inheritance issues if children are involved. Quite normal. Is that your situation?

Propagandalf · 13/03/2020 11:12

There is no way I would commute 4.5 hours daily. I wouldn't even commute 2 hours. If you put 8 hours of work + house work on top, then what is the point?

Plus, we have the environment issue. People need to be using their cars less. I'm currently in lockdown due to the outbreak, but I can demonstrate that I can work from home and still get paid. So in some jobs, there is actually no need for me to be in a car. I know this is a relationship thread, but the crux of it is that there need to be less cars on the road.

MzHz · 13/03/2020 11:44

If he valued you enough to think about the future with you, he’d only have considered somewhere that makes it a no-brainier for you.

His intimation that his house is better than yours too is for me a red flag.

There’s no future for you with this guy, I’d cut your losses if I were you.