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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

AIBU not to want to live where my boyfriend has chosen to live

111 replies

Petals23 · 13/03/2020 07:48

So we're together nearly 4 years. We were living in the same town, each with our own properties. After 2 years together he decided to move to another town 1 hour away. As a result we see less of each other. This is not a place I'd choose to live as I have an hour's commute to my job anyway and he lives other direction and if I was travelling from there in rush hour traffic it would be about 4 and a half hours in car each day. We haven't really discussed moving in together but he knows that I wouldn't be on for doing this - anyway I like the town I live in and feel this was totally his decision. I know there's no way he'd consider living in my cottage as he thinks his place is superior, hasn't said this outright but in a roundabout way refers to it. A while ago he said to me I can be stubborn at times, which annoyed me as I know I'm not, and I know he was probably referring to our situation. I don't think I'm being unreasonable or stubborn, am I?

OP posts:

TorkTorkBam · 18/03/2020 09:14

If I were single again, I expect I would have "gentlemen friends" as my gran would have called them. I doubt I would want to live together. I've been there done that. I'd want fun times but live apart. That's not crumbs, that's quite desirable for lots of people past the wanting babies stage.

HillAreas · 18/03/2020 09:39

This is the relationship equivalent of “constructive dismissal” but, like the sly employer, he doesn’t have the balls to just get it over with. Why are you hanging around?

MzHz · 18/03/2020 15:29

That’s so true @HillAreas! That’s exactly it, constructive dismissal

TaterWaffle · 18/03/2020 16:46

Why on earth would you want to continue this ‘relationship’?

Original poster

Petals23 · 13/06/2020 10:36

So I posted before that he moved to this area because he was encouraged to by people close to him. It was literally an overnight decision - he'd no intention of moving. I've come to realise that he is so dependent on these people... he goes for a run with one of them every day, then a brew in the house, maybe dinner or drinks. He sees them every day, more than we see of each other. They moved here before he did. Over lockdown I've been quite lonely, he's been fine, have had their company. I said to him that they'll always see more of each other, that after all he moved to be closer to them. His response: "what can I say? I don't know what to say?" Is this an unhealthy codependent relationship he has?

OP posts:

Fefifofaff · 13/06/2020 10:50

Who cares if it's codependent? He clearly values it more than his relationship with you. Why are you settling for this? Aren't you worth more?

lovingtea · 13/06/2020 10:55

sorry OP you`re just a handy shag for the weekend!

He just isn`t that into you.

bananaorange · 13/06/2020 10:59

He doesn't give a shit - why do you? You've had so many people tell you the exact same thing. Sorry op. He has built a life that doesn't include you, you're just a bit of side sex.

HollowTalk · 13/06/2020 11:02

Oh god, dump this man! After "if you're lucky you could end up living here too" you should've dumped him anyway.

You are only a small part of his life, OP. I know that's hard to accept but the good thing is that if you dump him you won't have to bump into him in town.

Waveysnail · 13/06/2020 11:03

OP he moved away from you. There is no way I'd move away from someone I love unless for very real reasons. He wanted to improve his life and sadly he doesnt prioritise you at all

Rewis · 13/06/2020 11:05

It sound s like you have a different idea about this relationship. First you should get on the same page about what are your plans.

Truthpact · 13/06/2020 11:06

He has friends he likes to see and you aren't the priority. That's fine, he can have his friends, but if you aren't happy not being a priority in his life, move on. You're never going to be. He's in his 40s, he's unlikely to suddenly want to settle down and have a family. Think of him as more like joey from friends. He's good for fwb (if he's good at sex), but a relationship? No.

If you stay with him, accept this is your life. You will never live together, probably not have many holidays just the two of you, you'll only see each other on weekends and his friends come first.

Ginfordinner · 13/06/2020 11:06

This is how DD's ex BF behaved just before he dumped her. The last time she went to stay with him he stayed up all night talking to one of his flatmates rather than go to bed with her. His excuse was that he hadn't seen the flatmate all week due to his working hours. He hadn't seen DD for a month, but still preferred to spend time with his flatmate.

Sorry, but I think this relationship is over

Jaxhog · 13/06/2020 11:09

So he's moved away from you. I think he's consciously uncoupling.

lockdownalli · 13/06/2020 11:10

No love - you are the one with the unhealthy relationship.

"Crumbs from his table" just about sums it up.

Stop thinking about him, he certainly isn't thinking of you. You need to look at yourself and analyse what it is about your family or past relationships that has left you with such a pitiful level of self worth that you would accept this kind of shite.

Windyatthebeach · 13/06/2020 11:12

You are the last of his priorities op..
Why settle for that?
Putting miles between you was the flag you missed..
Ltb today.

SecretSpAD · 13/06/2020 11:17

You don't need to love together to have a committed relationship. It's fine to carry on as you are as long as you are both happy with the arrangements. My husband and I loved and worked in separate countries for a while when we were first married - we were still a proper couple. Just do what suits you two.

YinMnBlue · 13/06/2020 11:22

Have neither if you had a conversation that starts with ‘shall we live together, and if so where?’ rather than just making your own decisions and reacting to each other’s decisions?

It doesn’t sound as if there is any team work or communication in the relationship, and he clearly doesn’t prioritise spending time with you if he just unilaterally moves an hour away for no necessary reason.

If you are happy with a part time relationship fine. If you want commitment and a life together you are in the wrong relationship.

That’s the beginning and end of it. It is irrelevant whether you are ‘stubborn’ or not.

SecretSpAD · 13/06/2020 11:25

Though having now read your update. He's a dickhead. Dump him.

UncleShady · 13/06/2020 11:28

Is this an unhealthy codependent relationship he has?

No - he's fine. He's got his nice house with his nice friends and he's happy.

You are the one with the unhealthy relationship.

Boireannachlaidir · 13/06/2020 11:30

I don't see living together as "progressing" a relationship the way most people do. If you can both afford to live separately and trust and love each other and want it, it can be a very happy way to live without the usual societal expectations imposed upon you.

However the fact he said this would have me ditching the selfish arrogant twat.

it's a fine property; who knows, if you're lucky you could end up living here too".

alittlelower · 13/06/2020 11:35

I have very, very, very strong feelings on this! Don't go! In all cases but one that I know of, when there are decisions like this. it is man who gets his way and the women who gives up her home/ friends/ community/ career etc. It's bloody cultural sexism in action.

Well done you for calling it out! Quite right, he chose to move. You are not 'stubborn' for not fitting into the life he wants. You are just not being a doormat. Keep on living your life your way.

Sweetlikecoca · 13/06/2020 11:38

Ahhh OP it seems as though there is a deeper issue here and it’s not really the distance as others have suggested it should have been discussed prior.

The fact that it hasn’t been discussed speaks volumes. How often do you see each other? (Prior lockdown) do you go out for dinner together and spend quality time together. Are you sure nobody else is in the picture?

He sounds very arrogant!! This is a flag that’s been blowing for some time..

lovingtea · 13/06/2020 11:39

If you `re happy with the status quo never changing then thats fine. If you are looking for more, then you are barking up the wrong tree.

IdblowJonSnow · 13/06/2020 11:39

Yanbu. Did you post about this a while ago op? Rings a bell.

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