AIBU not to want to live where my boyfriend has chosen to live

[Petals23]

So we're together nearly 4 years. We were living in the same town, each with our own properties. After 2 years together he decided to move to another town 1 hour away. As a result we see less of each other. This is not a place I'd choose to live as I have an hour's commute to my job anyway and he lives other direction and if I was travelling from there in rush hour traffic it would be about 4 and a half hours in car each day. We haven't really discussed moving in together but he knows that I wouldn't be on for doing this - anyway I like the town I live in and feel this was totally his decision. I know there's no way he'd consider living in my cottage as he thinks his place is superior, hasn't said this outright but in a roundabout way refers to it. A while ago he said to me I can be stubborn at times, which annoyed me as I know I'm not, and I know he was probably referring to our situation. I don't think I'm being unreasonable or stubborn, am I?

He's made his life. You are part of it but not a central part. You are a convenient add-on that he might enjoy, but you aren't pivotal in his life. He doesn't need to take you and your feelings into account because he doesn't actually factor you in his life plans. You are just a nice bonus.

Sorry.

His attitude might change if he thinks he might lose you. He might realise what he could lose and start appreciating you. But thats a risky path to take unless you are actually prepared to finish with him.

If in normal non lockdown circumstances this relationship suits you then that is absolutely fine.

If you would like a relationship with potential move in or see each other more frequently then it is best to move on.

Neither of you are wrong it is wether or not this works for you both.

He's a twat.
Time to end it.

Is it family/family members he's moved closer to, or friends?

Not that it makes much of a difference, I just thought if it was a family with older members, it might have been a reason for him to move closer, but would probably mean a relationship with a degree of enmeshment.

He's not really your boyfriend any more though, is he? He's just some bloke you sometimes spend some time with. If he were your boyfriend he would have taken your views into account. Even if you think he's your boyfriend, he would clearly beg to differ.

Oh dear. It appears he values the relationships he has with other people over his relationship with you, doesn't it?

Perhaps it is time to think about whether this situation is right for you in the longer term. Before lockdown, who visited who at the weekends?

As Maya Angelou wisely said:
When someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time

It sounds as if you deserve much better OP but are you clinging on in hope? He's moved away. He has a life that excludes you. I'm not sure he's the one with the "unhealthy codependent relationship"? Not meaning to be harsh, but when I was in an identical position, I had to learn the hard way. I was too far in it to understand what the moving away meant (unbelievable as that sounds now).

I think the secret to a happy relationship is living separately but an hour is a pisstake

He sounds like a people-pleaser, the kind who tosses under the bus the very people who ought to matter most. The house move is just a symptom, not the central issue. I have been burned by this kind myself so I will shut up and merely urge you, OP, to listen to the majority here.

So you have been together for 4 years but 2 years into the relationship he moves and hour away and then you carry on with a weekend relationship for the next 2 years?

It is pretty clear that this relationship is never going to progress beyond what it is. Fine if you are happy with being a weekend girlfriend not so fine if you want more.

@UncleShady

Is this an unhealthy codependent relationship he has?

No - he's fine. He's got his nice house with his nice friends and he's happy.

You are the one with the unhealthy relationship.

I agree with this statement.

I can’t believe you have posted about this again. I recall you posting essentially this a few weeks back. And then previous to that as well.

And at the time people pointed out discrepancy that 2 years ago you post that you are single and happy you are

I think this situation is absolutely fine if you've discussed it at length beforehand and are both in agreement..

...but you haven't, not even close.

He sounds smug, arrogant, inconsiderate and selfish, and clearly sees his own convenience and pleasure as more important than yours.

I think I'd give him the heave ho in your shoes!

4.5 hrs per day commute is ridiculous, if he cared about you and the impact that would have on you he wouldn't have moved 1 hr further out/ Sorry.

Your relationship isn’t worth the sacrifices needed to remain together on either side.

You don’t want to change your job and move for him and he doesn’t want to do the same.

There’s no love there at all.

Seriously?! It doesn't matter what his relationship is like with the unnamed people/relatives/friends. It's your relationship with him that is a waste of time. He moved away. He didn't care that it meant he couldn't see you. As a PP said, I've no idea why you're still in this relationship and are happy to accept crumbs.

Op this is what I think from having read other other reads.

You are lonely
You suffer anxiety
You have very few friends
You are in your is forties and very financially comfortable but otherwise unhappy

You partner is very sociable (one thread you talk about his group of 15 friends and going on holiday with them) and enjoys drinking much more than you.

You never ever not once mention actually liking him! Let alone loving him.

You like saying and thinking that you have a “boyfriend”

Beyond that - you don’t get anything from relationship and he is completely unbothered to the extent he can’t even be bothered to finish it

He's not that into you, I'm afraid.
has no concept of considering you, which sounds like your future together.
Find someone who cares about you, at least a little bit.

He hasn’t even asked you to move in with him though? so this situation youv cooked up on your own because u haven’t even spoken to him about it. Even sounds like ur annoyed at him for expecting u to go to him when he hasn’t even asked you too? The bigger problem than ur commute & the distance is that u two don’t seem on the same page.
Quit wasting ur time op & find someone who wants to share their life with u bcos part of a relationship is planning a future surly & it’s sad uv been lonely on lockdown u deserve way better

AIBU not to want to live where my boyfriend has chosen to live?

Has he even asked you to move in with him?

It sounds like the current situation suits him perfectly.

Do you spend every weekend now at his house?

What would he say if you said you wanted to see other people and just keep things casual with him?

I think he isn’t terribly Interested and if you stay with him you will regret it down the road. I know someone that stayed in a relationship like this from late 40s into their old age. Id say she resents and regrets the things she missed out on.

If you did move in with him and had your 4 hour commute, how would he respond to that ?
I’d predict he wouldn’t give 2 hoots about the inconvenience. You’d just get the odd snide comment about the fact that you live in ‘his’ house.

He moved away from you and didn't give a shit.
Take the hint.

"it's a fine property; who knows, if you're lucky you could end up living here too".

Does he talk like this a lot?

It's OK to have a 'right now' relationship if it suits you. If he's a good shag and doesn't interfere with your life too much. But this bloke is taking up space a good man could occupy. If you want a decent relationship, you need to make room.

You’re STILL talking to this bloke? Really? Why?

What made you think sooooo very little of yourself that you have to put up with being this humiliated and this far down someone’s priority list.