AIBU not to want to live where my boyfriend has chosen to live

[Petals23]

So we're together nearly 4 years. We were living in the same town, each with our own properties. After 2 years together he decided to move to another town 1 hour away. As a result we see less of each other. This is not a place I'd choose to live as I have an hour's commute to my job anyway and he lives other direction and if I was travelling from there in rush hour traffic it would be about 4 and a half hours in car each day. We haven't really discussed moving in together but he knows that I wouldn't be on for doing this - anyway I like the town I live in and feel this was totally his decision. I know there's no way he'd consider living in my cottage as he thinks his place is superior, hasn't said this outright but in a roundabout way refers to it. A while ago he said to me I can be stubborn at times, which annoyed me as I know I'm not, and I know he was probably referring to our situation. I don't think I'm being unreasonable or stubborn, am I?

[Gamble66]

Op you are gaslighting yourself

[Petals23]

@Guineapigbridge No, I'm not making it about them and never would. It's just I hear so much about them and what they've all done together.

[Thisismytimetoshine]

he often says "I think I'm too independent"
Have a think about why he keeps telling you this. It's an extraordinary thing to often say to your partner. And not good news for you.

[Guineapigbridge]

I actually feel now that this family are a part of our relationship if that makes sense and is making me feel resentful towards him and them.

You are projecting. You are using jealousy to suppress the insecure feelings you are having about yourself. Those feelings are there because he doesn't count you in his plans, not because his family members are bad people. Don't make this about them; it's not about them.

[MzHz]

Oh @petals doing what we need to do is so hard! I know this, but it’s a lot less hurtful than letting yourself go on and on being unimportant

It was one of the hardest things I did, but I knew I had to end the relationship I had. A few years on and I’m happier than I could have ever imagined I’d be.

[Neron]

I think you need to sit down with him and have an honest talk about your future together. Personally, it's not looking great if you're not going to move where he is (I do understand the long commute, I wouldn't do it), it may be unlikely he will move away from his family, plus the beginnings of resentment feelings towards them. That said, you really don't know unless you put it all on the table

[Petals23]

@MzHz I think we are a habit, as you say, although we usually do have a good time when we spend time together. This is what makes it difficult for me in knowing what to do. I actually feel now that this family are a part of our relationship if that makes sense and is making me feel resentful towards him and them.

[MzHz]

No discussion after 4 years together? that's got to tell you all you need to know!!

I was in a 1 year relationship with a guy, I ended it because he chose to go to a family wedding without telling me about it until a couple of days in advance, I wasn't invited, that's fine, but he hid it from me. it was also obvious that I wasn't important enough for him to even mention it to me. I also asked him jokingly once 'tell me again why you're with me' and his reply was that it was convenient and that I made it easy for the relationship to keep ticking over.

wow. That's not enough. We all know this in our hearts, we all know we want more than this. We want someone who - in the early year(s) - WANTS to be with us, thinks of us and wants to plan to do things with us and for us. laying the foundations for building a life together and a home together perhaps.

You have nothing with this guy apart from a habit. Please do yourself the favour and cut him loose so you can find the man whose heart beats faster when he thinks of you, who loves you, fancies you and wants to be with you.

The guy you are with is a place holder, but he's taking the space of a man who will make you HAPPY!

[Petals23]

No discussion at all. He's even more independent than I am, he often says "I think I'm too independent". He'd a couple of long term relationships that didn't work out. Basically it all boils down to him preferring to live closer to them than me.

[Neron]

So he moved to be near his family he's clearly very close to. Nothing wrong with that, but I would have thought there would have been a discussion before your 2 year mark about your future.
You keep mentioning how independent you are, and he's mentioned he thinks you're stubborn. Maybe he doesn't think that much of you, but it's also possible he believes this is how you feel about him.
Don't get me wrong, I wouldn't be adding that commute either. Have you not had any discussions about your future at all during these 4 years?

[Petals23]

@jeremyironsnothing you've hit the nail on the head there, the fact that I'm only a part of his life - not a central part. They're family, a couple his age with 4 kids. I don't want to say exactly how related. I'm a very independent person, wouldn't necessarily be demanding we live together - it's just the amount of time he spends with them, and will always. I suppose I was just having my doubts about whether I'm being controlling when I complained to him about how often he sees them, and I definitely wouldn't be a controlling person. He knows I find it hard, but yet continues to report back to me on what they did on different days during lockdown. Plenty of things to consider. Thanks everyone.

[MzHz]

You’re STILL talking to this bloke? Really? Why?

What made you think sooooo very little of yourself that you have to put up with being this humiliated and this far down someone’s priority list.

[MrsTerryPratchett]

"it's a fine property; who knows, if you're lucky you could end up living here too".

Does he talk like this a lot?

It's OK to have a 'right now' relationship if it suits you. If he's a good shag and doesn't interfere with your life too much. But this bloke is taking up space a good man could occupy. If you want a decent relationship, you need to make room.

[VettiyaIruken]

He moved away from you and didn't give a shit.
Take the hint.

[Davespecifico]

If you did move in with him and had your 4 hour commute, how would he respond to that ?
I’d predict he wouldn’t give 2 hoots about the inconvenience. You’d just get the odd snide comment about the fact that you live in ‘his’ house.

[HannaYeah]

Do you spend every weekend now at his house?

What would he say if you said you wanted to see other people and just keep things casual with him?

I think he isn’t terribly Interested and if you stay with him you will regret it down the road. I know someone that stayed in a relationship like this from late 40s into their old age. Id say she resents and regrets the things she missed out on.

[HannahStern]

AIBU not to want to live where my boyfriend has chosen to live?

Has he even asked you to move in with him?

It sounds like the current situation suits him perfectly.

[Lemonpink88]

He hasn’t even asked you to move in with him though? so this situation youv cooked up on your own because u haven’t even spoken to him about it. Even sounds like ur annoyed at him for expecting u to go to him when he hasn’t even asked you too? The bigger problem than ur commute & the distance is that u two don’t seem on the same page.
Quit wasting ur time op & find someone who wants to share their life with u bcos part of a relationship is planning a future surly & it’s sad uv been lonely on lockdown u deserve way better

[Devlesko]

He's not that into you, I'm afraid.
has no concept of considering you, which sounds like your future together.
Find someone who cares about you, at least a little bit.

[Juliet2014]

Op this is what I think from having read other other reads.

You are lonely
You suffer anxiety
You have very few friends
You are in your is forties and very financially comfortable but otherwise unhappy

You partner is very sociable (one thread you talk about his group of 15 friends and going on holiday with them) and enjoys drinking much more than you.

You never ever not once mention actually liking him! Let alone loving him.

You like saying and thinking that you have a “boyfriend”

Beyond that - you don’t get anything from relationship and he is completely unbothered to the extent he can’t even be bothered to finish it

[ATomeOfOnesOwn]

Seriously?! It doesn't matter what his relationship is like with the unnamed people/relatives/friends. It's your relationship with him that is a waste of time. He moved away. He didn't care that it meant he couldn't see you. As a PP said, I've no idea why you're still in this relationship and are happy to accept crumbs.

[Jellybeansincognito]

Your relationship isn’t worth the sacrifices needed to remain together on either side.

You don’t want to change your job and move for him and he doesn’t want to do the same.

There’s no love there at all.

[skybluee]

4.5 hrs per day commute is ridiculous, if he cared about you and the impact that would have on you he wouldn't have moved 1 hr further out/ Sorry.

[MintyCedric]

I think this situation is absolutely fine if you've discussed it at length beforehand and are both in agreement..

...but you haven't, not even close.

He sounds smug, arrogant, inconsiderate and selfish, and clearly sees his own convenience and pleasure as more important than yours.

I think I'd give him the heave ho in your shoes!

[Juliet2014]

And at the time people pointed out discrepancy that 2 years ago you post that you are single and happy you are