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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give DC a sibling?

111 replies

Sorbet25 · 17/01/2020 21:52

I have a nearly 3 year old DC, and since she was around 2 I’ve started getting the odd comment here and there about if I was going to have any more children or not.

Recently a friend told me she thinks it’s a bit selfish to only have one child, as they’ll be lonely, and miss out on having a brother/sister to grow up with.

It’s playing on my mind a bit - I grew up with three brothers/sisters and still speak to them frequently. But financially I would struggle to afford another, I had to take a study/career break for DD already and I’m only just getting back into things properly.

So AIBU to not consider having children for the foreseeable future, even if it means my DD will be an only child? Confused

OP posts:
geekone · 17/01/2020 21:57

I have one DS he sometimes moans about that but it’s easier for us and he actually gets to more clubs etc than he would otherwise and a lot of attention.... and a dog lol.

Just enjoy your DD, spend quality time, enjoy that it’s easier to get a baby sitter, that it doesn’t cost too much to eat out, that you get some alone time.

Only children also do well as adults too apparently, it never hurt my DH anyway.

Zoecarter · 17/01/2020 22:00

My partner is an only child. I have 2 siblings the support network you get with siblings when you are adults is so important I don’t think clubs and dogs compare.

1Morewineplease · 17/01/2020 22:00

I grew up as a lonely child. Wish I hadn’t.

CrazyCatLady159 · 17/01/2020 22:00

I have a Dd (8) She's an only child as I cannot afford another one / I wanted to continue my career .... no YANBU - lots of children are only children and are fine, have lots of friends and aren't lonely
You deserve a life you like as well as giving your child you already have a good life SmileBiscuit

heartsonacake · 17/01/2020 22:02

YANBU. I’m an only child and I’ve never been lonely. I wouldn’t have wanted siblings.

paddingtonbearsmarmalade · 17/01/2020 22:03

I’m an only child, so is my partner, both of us liked it (I would have liked a sibling as a child but as an adult I’m not that fussed tbh!)

I like that we’re both comfortable in our own company, both independent and self-sufficient. Remarkably though both of us have very generous and supportive parents, neither of us have turned into spoilt brats. (I certainly was and am spoiled by my parents but as an adult I get to spoil them back and it’s the best!) I’ve also found a real bonus is that I’ve always been much better than my peers at getting on with people older than me which has been exceedingly useful in the workplace as a young adult.

SlackerMum1 · 17/01/2020 22:04

I think you should never have more kids than you can mentally, emotionally, physically and financially afford. Many people will argue siblings are brilliant and more important that money etc.... but actually kids life chances and happiness are mostly related to the stability and happiness of their parents

Sleepycat91 · 17/01/2020 22:05

Im one of 6 and despite loving my siblings, i never wanted a big family. I was CONSTANTLY getting "are you having another one?" And tbh was quite happy with just my DS but my oh and DS were desperate for another and we had DD (who i absolutely adore and was wanted) now i constantly get "oh, thats a big gap" instead now🙄

MummyFriend · 17/01/2020 22:06

I'm at an age where my friends who are 'only children' are having to steel in and look after their aging parents. It's hard for them, it really is, and all of them feel a huge amount of responsibility and pressure and have little other family to support them. It's incredibly sad and I really do feel for them. It may also be coincidence but none of them are particularly confident people. So yeah, I definitely feel sort for your DC. On the other hand you need to do what works for you and your family, only you can judge what is right for you and people should respect your reasons if you choose not to have any more children. Plus, it's better for the environment to stick at one so there are definite upsides!

Smithtylater · 17/01/2020 22:06

My cousin is the same age as me and is an only child. I on the other hand am one of 5. We were basically his siblings and spent lots of time together as kids. He recently said to me how grateful he was to have us all growing up. Does your DC have cousins/other family close in age?

NotTheMrMenAgain · 17/01/2020 22:10

OP, there's a whole board called 'single child families' - might be a better idea to post there because on here you'll probably get a huge guilt trip and folks telling you their lives wouldn't be worth living without their siblings and they'd rather have drowned their PFBs at birth than condemn them to life as a 'lonely only' Hmm

DD is an only by choice. She's fab, we're fab, she's missed out on nothing as far as she is concerned and has benefited from all of our time, energy and resources. There's pros and cons I suppose - my sibling is an arsehole and I wished I was an only growing up. DHs sister is lovely, but he wouldnt be emotionally stunted without her!

You can only do what seems right for you. In my experience people who try to tell you should have another child are only trying to validate their own choice have more than one - people choosing differently makes them feel uneasy because they're not confident of their decisions.

RoyaleMum · 17/01/2020 22:15

I have one DC. I am not having any more. dc is 4.

There are a number of reasons which most friends and family know so noone actually asks me if/when ill be having another one.

Ultimately the choice is YOURS. Do whats best for you and your life

You may have a second child and the two hate each other.
Aging parents- again having a sibling is no promise of help or support.

Both my sibling and my best friends sibling live in other countries around the world and so we support each other with childcare/emotional support/close friendship- when it comes to parents it will be me alone as my sibling is miles away.

My DC is well socialised. She is happy. I dont feel another child would benefit my family

misspiggy19 · 17/01/2020 22:18

I know two only children who are know adults. They both wished they had a sibling and find it lonely as adults without any

MGC31 · 17/01/2020 22:21

I have an older brother. I would probably go to my friends in a crisis rather than him. Being an only child is not an issue if they have a support network.

orangejuicer · 17/01/2020 22:21

There's no guarantee the siblings would get on. Do what is right for you.

IHaveBrilloHair · 17/01/2020 22:23

I have one child, she's 18 and has never been bothered about not having a sibling.

ButtonandPickle19 · 17/01/2020 22:24

It’s only unreasonable to have a child you didn’t really want and can’t really afford. If you’re happy with one, and to give that one a loving caring life then you’re doing a great job x

MaMaMaMySharona · 17/01/2020 22:25

I don’t get on that well with my brother so having a sibling as an adult isn’t all rainbows and buttercups. Everyone has a different opinion on this based on their own experiences which are all entirely different - it’s up to you!

Sonichu · 17/01/2020 22:25

"My partner is an only child. I have 2 siblings the support network you get with siblings when you are adults is so important I don’t think clubs and dogs compare."

Assuming they actually get on. I do not have any relationship with my sister.

Breckenridged · 17/01/2020 22:28

It’s a tough one. I’m so glad I have my brother, for many reasons, but most importantly because our parents have both died now and, even with DH and the DC and DH’s wonderful family, I would feel so lonely not having someone else who shared my childhood.

We have 3 DC and my goodness I’m glad they have each other. But sometimes I do think about how easy life would be with just 1, and how much less I would get cross, and how much time and energy I could give them...

Honestly my view is - if you can’t afford another then you shouldn’t have another, but if you possibly can and you have the energy and patience and so on... definitely do.

Thehop · 17/01/2020 22:28

Me and my brother hate each other. Always have. I wholeheartedly hope I don’t ever speak to him again. I’m very close to my half siblings however. No guarantee siblings will get along.

AnneLovesGilbert · 17/01/2020 22:28

I have two friends who are each one of four and neither has anything to do with their siblings because they’re twats. No way of possibly knowing children will have good relationships with their siblings, either while they’re still all at home or as adults.

Another friend is a twin with two other siblings and tolerates her sister but loathes her twin and other brother.

Breckenridged · 17/01/2020 22:30

I find it so interesting that so many people on here know adult siblings that don’t get on because, of all my friends and cousins and colleagues and so on, I can only think of one person who doesn’t get on with one sibling.

Mammylamb · 17/01/2020 22:31

Other people should fuck off with their uninvited comments about your family plans.

We have one son, and are happy with just one. Sometimes a random will make a comment about having more.

Fouroutoffour · 17/01/2020 22:34

I am the eldest of three. It took my sister and I both becoming mother's (in our thirties) for us to form a bond I'd describe as closer than acquaintances. I can't remember the last time I spoke to my brother (saw him in July), there is no real relationship there. I would be very wary in assuming that siblings automatically get on well. Please only have more children if you want them, not because society says you ought to. I most definitely want another, and the urge is as strong as with the first one, but if you're not sure then don't.

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