To not give DC a sibling?

[Sorbet25]

I have a nearly 3 year old DC, and since she was around 2 I’ve started getting the odd comment here and there about if I was going to have any more children or not.

Recently a friend told me she thinks it’s a bit selfish to only have one child, as they’ll be lonely, and miss out on having a brother/sister to grow up with.

It’s playing on my mind a bit - I grew up with three brothers/sisters and still speak to them frequently. But financially I would struggle to afford another, I had to take a study/career break for DD already and I’m only just getting back into things properly.

So AIBU to not consider having children for the foreseeable future, even if it means my DD will be an only child?

[user1473878824]

I’m an only child. Never thought about it when I was little and now perfectly happy and quite pleased I don’t have siblings to deal with. My partner has two and a big family and I adore it and love all of them and love all of my cousins and their partners and children, but don’t feel like I’m missing out and never once have. I have never understood this whole thing of YOU having a child because your child wants a sibling.

[Crazybunnylady123]

It’s an individual thing. I always said I would have two kids so they would have each other or I would maybe not have any.
But I got the maternal urge and definitely wanted two as I didn’t feel done after I had dd. But two is my limit because otherwise time and money would be restricted. If you feel you are happier with one that’s fine too, nobody should be judging you for your choice. Ultimately it’s whether you want another child and not just to give your child a sibling. As other people have said they may not get on.

[avacadooo]

My son is going to be an only child, got told by plenty of people he's going to be lonely and sad because of it and I will change my mind.
I won't. Pregnancy sucked and I don't want to relive that shit show nor have it take me away from my boy for 9months because I would be bed bound.
Ignore the arseholes who pressure you. Your vagina your rules.

Nothing wrong with an only child as long as you spend time with them, I have siblings and grew up lonely so it's nothing to do with the only child shit.
I am close to them now btw don't want to make my family seem shit just my parents were always working and an age gap between us all so nothing in common as kids (not that age gaps are bad my cousins were fine)

[MrsP2015]

I was an only child for 11 years and hated it. I had loads of toys and went to clubs but nothing compared to a sibling.
When I was 11 and 14 my mum had another baby. They are so so close and it's lovely. Yes they argued growing up lol and still do now at times (in 20's!) but they are the best friend for each other I longed for.

I am in a similar predicament op.
But I lean towards giving dd a sibling after seeing my sisters bond its lovely.

[figandmaple16]

I don't usually get this question! Sometimes, but it doesn't bother me really - its small talk.
My son will be 4 this year, and I am currently studying at college full time and at open university. I am SO stuck with this, on one hand I REALLY want to dive into studies and go for a career, I am just insanely interested in my subjects. On the other hand, i feel SO guilty and sad about having done this with my son so young. I keep thinking, ill never get this time back. I started back full time college after he turned 2 and thinking back I regret that SO much. I love being a stay at home mum and getting all the time with him, and just being there for him.
Anyway, this dilemma still doesn't deter me for going for number two. I too have siblings, all 4 of them! and so does my sons dad. Even though I'm not the closest with all my siblings, I know they're always there.
What worries me the most about my son is that he doesn't have any close by cousins, there are literally no young people in my family and his cousins from his dads side live on the other side of the world. If he were to remain an only child, he would, figuratively speaking, be alone in the world when me and his dad die. He will have no other strong connection that connects him to me and his dad if you get me? Thats why although I have this fight of stay at home or study, I definitely would go for another and perhaps still try and get my education done (I think ill do open uni) :D

[Reginabambina]

So long as you make provisions there isn’t really a better way. Being an only child can be fantastic! I sometimes feel guilty for having a second because of resources.

[Sorbet25]

Thanks for the responses!

In theory I would have wanted another - the only barriers in my mind are the finances. At the moment we get housing benefit, but should be off benefits totally once I’ve finished studying, but if I have another DC we will likely be on benefits for another few years, which I wouldn’t feel good about.

[Sorbet25]

I think I’ll look over finances again - we’re renting privately at the moment which is incredibly expensive, but on the housing list where rent is about 70% less, so maybe once we move it will be more viable. DD is very sociable and extroverted and I don’t want her to feel lonely growing up.. but also want to make sure the circumferences are right for another.

[Gwilt160981]

I used to get questioned alot about if I was having anymore kids because I have an only child, and now people have stopped asking.

Take no notice.

[whatsamumtodo8]

It's entirely your call. My opinion is, if you are able to, then I'd give your dc a a sibling, I can't imagine not having my sister now, or when I was small. I do think it's a good thing to have a sibling to grow up with. However it's not the be all and end all, if you really don't want another then don't.

[speakout]

My sister and didn't get on at all.
Even now, don't even send each other birthday cards.
I have two kids, and although get on OK are very different characters and have never sought our each other's company or played much together.

A sibling is no guarantee of a friend.

[PhilCornwall1]

I have 2 siblings the support network you get with siblings when you are adults is so important

Only if they want to provide support. Just because you have siblings, the support network isn't guaranteed.

[FrowningFlamingo]

You’ll always get mixed responses on these threads but ultimately nobody has experienced what it’s like to grow up an only and with siblings, in its entirety. So can’t compare.
My husband and I were both only children and have one child who will more than likely be an only child by choice. So for us we think it’s better. But I don’t know what it’s like to have a sibling!

[Zezet]

I wouldn't have another child to please the first one. Sure, having a grown-up adult sibling with whom you share a relationship and, if applicable, the care for elderly children, can be nice. Or you could have a sibling with whom you fight, or a sibling who ends up needing care, or parents who end up being very overstressed by having more children than is good for them, or... honestly, who knows? And even so, I am of the firm opinion you owe your children a good life, you don't owe them whatever happens to be optimal for them regardless of what it does for you.

That said, if you would like a second child I would have the second child. And although the choice has never come up for us, I would never hesitate to have them because I was on benefits. Surely people get benefits because we decide, as a society, that everyone deserves a certain level of living, and because we acknowledge a completely free market doesn't lead to fair results for a whole bunch of reasons. Thank good that doesn't come with an interdiction to have children! (And if these children are entitled to benefits, well, all children cost the taxpayer money, and they end up paying it back during their own adult lifes.)

[TobyeBella]

I have one DS who is 3.5. He will be an only for a number of reasons, traumatic birth, terrible sleeper, PND, then he has some additional needs which include suspected autism, we have a greater chance of another child with sen. For the first time in my life I have struggled with my mental health, anxiety and I hate how I've changed.

We are having to pay for speech therapy privately and whilst DH earns good money and I'm a sahm, I like not having to worry about paying for this sort of stuff for him, now or in the future.

Another child would mean a house move, we are returning to a settled life where we both get child free time individually and as a couple as our 15 year relationship has taken a battering.

No one has the right to comment on anyone else's choices, it's a choice and what's right for some is not right for others.

[LajesticVantrashell]

I have one. I will only have one. I would not entertain the idea of ruining ourselves financially for the next five years just so DS has someone to help him when I get old and infirm. What a shit reason to have a child!

[Ginger1982]

"My 81 year old mother has never forgiven her mother for being too selfish (her mother's own words) to have another. Career, money, etc didn't matter to her. What mattered was never having a brother or sister."

That's just weird.

[KellyHall]

My dd is nearly 3 and will be an only child. I nearly died having her and I wouldn't risk my life again. She sometimes asks for a brother but she always gets on so much better with older children than younger ones, I feel like she'd be happier with an older sibling than a younger one which obviously can't happen (biologically anyway!)

I make sure she spends as much time as practically possible with friends and family (children) and when she asks for a sibling, I tell her all the good things about not having one, e.g. that friends/family leave eventually and she gets her home/toys/parents to herself!

[eaglejulesk]

I am an only child and have never felt lonely, or felt I was missing out on anything. My parents are elderly and there have been a couple of times when I wished I had a sibling to help - but I also know of people who have siblings living in different parts of the country/world so they are really in the same position as I am when it comes to supporting their parents.

The decision about the number of children you have is for you and your partner to make. No-one else is entitled to an opinion, so ignore them.

[MyOtherProfile]

I'm an only child and hated it growing up. I so much wanted a sibling and to be honest I do even now. I wish I had a sibling and that my dc had cousins.

My DM would tell me how much more she could spend on me because I was the only one but frankly that seemed a poor alternative to having a sibling.

[Yeahnah2020]

If it was easy for you to have kids I’d have another.

[Aragog]

Dd is 17y and ab only child. She is loved and cared for. She is a well rounded happy and sociable teen with many friends. She adores her family and friends and has none of the so called 'only child' traits as certain people like to comment on - infact research has shown these to be nonsense anyway.

Yes I've been told I was selfish. Stupid and rude people really. They've no idea why we only have one after all.

Just spending a few minutes with dd will tell you that she's perfectly happy as an only child with a supporting loving family and lots of friends.

A sibling is no guarantee of adult support in the future. Dh is a solicitor and deals with wills and private a lot - just one day doing his job will show you this is the case and it's not a one off for siblings to not get on, have fall outs and not be supportive.

MIL has a sibling. She was still the only one to care for and help her father when he was elderly. Luckily she has a supportive Dh and dc to help.

[Aragog]

It's not even unusual to be an only child these days either.

If parents of only children regularly went around commenting that having 3+ children is selfish for whatever reasons they get a backlash. About time the opposite was actually seen as unfair too.

[Waxonwaxoff0]

@Fivetillmidnight that's a weird attitude to be honest. I'm an only child and being "angry" at my mother would never have occurred to me, why should she have had another child that she didn't want?

I was happy being an only child. My DS is also and only child and is happy as far as I know, he's never said that he would like a sibling.

[Bluewater1]

It sounds like you are happy with having one child and also couldn't afford a second child so why have another? It's no one else's business but you and your OH. My friend has one child and it is shocking how many people feel they should comment, pass judgement and give unsolicited advice to her about it