To not give DC a sibling?

[Sorbet25]

I have a nearly 3 year old DC, and since she was around 2 I’ve started getting the odd comment here and there about if I was going to have any more children or not.

Recently a friend told me she thinks it’s a bit selfish to only have one child, as they’ll be lonely, and miss out on having a brother/sister to grow up with.

It’s playing on my mind a bit - I grew up with three brothers/sisters and still speak to them frequently. But financially I would struggle to afford another, I had to take a study/career break for DD already and I’m only just getting back into things properly.

So AIBU to not consider having children for the foreseeable future, even if it means my DD will be an only child?

[Mandraki]

I have an only child, she is 2 but the choice was made before she was born (horrendous pregnancy) and then solidified after she was born (even more horrendous birth) and now each day that goes by we are more firm in our choice, she is all we need. We probably couldn't comfortably afford a second anyway. I had a lovely childhood, holidays and everything I needed and husband had the opposite.
I want to give our child a similar childhood to me and he wants to give our child the oposite of his childhood, we probably couldn't do that with two. Also, me and my husband have a sibling each that we don't have a lot to do with, we get on but we aren't these super close friends that people always say siblings will be. The truth is, you could have a second child and the two of them may or may not get on, you won't know. You have to do whats best for you as a family and if that is having one child then that is what it is and don't let anyone make you feel selfish for that.

[Y0ubetterwerk]

I swing from desperate for another one for DS (6) and thinking it's the worst idea in the world. I'm edging towards 40 so I reckon it's the last ditch attempt by my body to get the ball rolling before it's too late.

I'd need a bigger house, I'd be crippled by childcare fees again, I may get demon baby (again), my career has stalled being a single parent and doing all the childcare and I'm looking forward to it getting back on track..

But ds wants a sibling. I try to rationalise that having a sibling doesn't necessarily make you less alone in adulthood. I have two older DB who emigrated and left me with aging parents. They left before I could and I couldn't do that to my parents knowing there would be no one left. I'm essentially alone and do everything but get the grief that it's not the right approach (must be nice to have an opinion when you don't have to follow through).

Right now, life is ticking along OK. A baby would be a blessing but I don't think it's for us.

You're right at that 'good gap for sibling' age for endless questions. In a few more years, folk just stop asking!

[mondaywine]

I find it frustrating when people paint this is as such a black and white issue. Having a sibling does not mea that you will have an adult support network or share care of elderly parents. My husband and his sister have no relationship. His sister does not help with his DM. I am an only child and was always very happy with this situation.

[Ginger1982]

@Frazzled2207 I'm an only with an only and DH is one of three. I totally don't understand the dynamic between him and his siblings. I just don't get it because I've never had it. I think being an only forces you to be independent though. I would love another child but it looks unlikely.

There are definitely pros and cons to both situations in my opinion.

[Frazzled2207]

I am an only and had a broadly very happy childhood. Being an only child definitely helped my parents financially. I never wanted for anything and had a good relationships with my cousins which looking back was very important.

My dh is one of three and they have a relationship which makes me jealous sometimes. They had to deal collectively with the illness and death of their father a few years ago which was very sad but at least they had each other which I know gave them great comfort. It worries me a lot the responsibility that will fall on me when my own parents become ill/die.

We made the decision to have 2 children and I'm really happy with that. My own kids have a lovely dynamic that feels very odd to me (but not my dh). They squabble but are basically two peas in a pod.

I think it's absolutely fine to have just one child if that's what you want, and certainly if you can only afford one. But there are definite disadvantages of not having siblings imo.
That said as pp have said, there is never any guarantee that siblings will get on.

[TheTrollFairy]

Just to add though, you should only have another if it’s right for you and you can afford another child.
I’m sure a child would rather a place to sleep and food than a sibling

[TheTrollFairy]

I know a few people who have lost their parents and as adults, the ones with siblings have found it easier in terms of having someone else there to help with the remaining parent and sorting through possessions etc.

Saying that, we are yet to have a second one and DD has just turned 4. Not right for us right now but we will have 2nd one when we are paying out less for DD

[Montythemooseisatitagain]

Also you should only have another child if you want another child.

Having another child just to give your older child a sibling isn’t a good enough reason.

I don’t understand why your friend thinks it’s selfish it’s better for the planet for a start

[Montythemooseisatitagain]

I have two siblings, both of whom have SN. Growing up still felt pretty lonely at times

[Cherrysoup]

I’m pretty sure if you did a poll, you’d have a decent split of opinions of who likes and who doesn’t like their sibling. I hated mine growing up, he used to hit me and worse. 😢 I’d far rather have been an only child, lonely or whatever.

I know plenty of people who would rather have been single children. When people ask you about having more, I’d just tell them it’s none of their damned business. How bloody rude are they!

[ArthurMorgan]

I have a dd who's 5, I can't have more, I suffer from severe hg in pregnancy and lost my last child because of it. The sheer amount of comments from people telling me i should "give it a go anyway" or I'm selfish etc is unreal. People don't have any right to an opinion on things like this.

[Parsley65]

Both my Father and Dh grew up as only children and hated it, but I'm sure there are plenty of others who will say they didn't get on with their brothers and/or sisters growing up.

Siblings bring an extra dimension, but you've got to do what's right for you. If you do have an only child make sure they have plenty of contact with friends and family - however distant.

Listen to everyone and make your own life choices.

Good luck

[amusedbush]

DH is an only child and it didn’t affect him negatively at all. He says it never bothered him growing up.

I have one brother who is 6 and a bit years younger than me. He was the bane of my life growing up as he was so much younger, his needs came first and he was forever bugging me and stealing/breaking my stuff. I moved out when he was 14 and now that we’re adults we see each other maybe once a year.

Having a sibling doesn’t guarantee you’ll get on.

[cologne4711]

You don't "give" your kids siblings, you impose them.

And as we've said on other threads, it's not eco-friendly to have kids at all, never mind more than one or two.

I find it so interesting that so many people on here know adult siblings that don’t get on because, of all my friends and cousins and colleagues and so on, I can only think of one person who doesn’t get on with one sibling

My DH is one of four, and while he doesn't not get on with his siblings, he's not close to them and I don't think he thinks they bring anything to his life that he would have missed if it wasn't there.

[SD1978]

For me a sibling is t a dog. You either want more children or you don't. To be considering 'taking one for the team' and producing a sibling like a plaything for your already existing child is not a great reason to have one. If you went more children, great, but you don't have to have one because your son needs a plaything.

[Mix56]

I was watching a documentary earlier. Couples having up to 10 kids... in each reportage, one of the parents said, I was a lonely only child, or I wanted my DC to have siblings as I never had any etc...

[BarbaraGordon]

I'm an only child, very happy childhood (I may have occasionally asked about a brother or sister but it was only fleeting, probably prompted by someone we know having a baby), still very happy as an adult

[Chipmonkeypoopoo]

Reminds me of the old "heir and a spare" saying.

[Winterwoollies]

Why oh why do people think they have the right to comment on our fertility/bodies/families? Something about kids makes people absolutely mental. I got asked consistently if I was ‘planning any little ones,’ throughout my thirties. Constantly. How did they know that I wasn’t trying and failing? Or couldn’t? Or didn’t want to?! They’d touch my stomach, judge me, ask me invasive questions... I don’t get it.

Just do whatever you want to do and don’t let judgmental ‘friends’ influence you with their unwarranted and uninvited opinions.

[FiveFarthings]

Oh and also for the sake of my mental health I couldn’t go through another pregnancy and birth as it was horrific so there’s that. Sometimes you have to look after yourself in order to be a good parent.

[FiveFarthings]

Both I and DH have siblings. Fine growing up as we had someone to play with but during our teens my sister and I hated each other. We get on fine now but we’re not close. FIL is one of six and only sees his siblings once a year at an annual family gathering!

Just because you have a sibling doesn’t mean they will get on or be close or even like each other.

We have one DD and we’re not having any more. She will have the benefit of having all of our love and attention plus financially we will be able to provide so much more for her. Also she has two cousins who are very similar in age so she will have children in the family to play with etc

[ButtonandPickle19]

Oh and FWIW I have an older sister (7 years older) and a younger sister (8 years younger) and we’re all incredibly close and I’m so glad I had them, the age gap isn’t an issue for us

[ButtonandPickle19]

I think looking at your finances is a very sensible thing to do. If you’re on benefits and want to be off them (very admirable!) and show your DD you can survive and provide for your family then that’s something you should be proud of. I have a 10 year age gap between my DC because I wasn’t in a position to have a second until recently. Practical is a good way to be x

[NameNumber5]

My DH is one of four and does not have contact with any of his siblings. They were not close growing up and the eldest one was abusive to the younger. He would love to be an only!

[Chipmonkeypoopoo]

YANBU. I'm an only child and love it. Wouldn't want a sibling. I also have an only child. I just tell people to get stuffed "one and we're done" is our mantra.