Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2 3 4 5

Original poster

To not give DC a sibling?

111 replies

Sorbet25 · 17/01/2020 21:52

I have a nearly 3 year old DC, and since she was around 2 I’ve started getting the odd comment here and there about if I was going to have any more children or not.

Recently a friend told me she thinks it’s a bit selfish to only have one child, as they’ll be lonely, and miss out on having a brother/sister to grow up with.

It’s playing on my mind a bit - I grew up with three brothers/sisters and still speak to them frequently. But financially I would struggle to afford another, I had to take a study/career break for DD already and I’m only just getting back into things properly.

So AIBU to not consider having children for the foreseeable future, even if it means my DD will be an only child?

OP posts:

userxx · 18/01/2020 07:51

I'm an only child. Don't have another if you're happy with your set up, it sounds like you've got the right balance.

Ragwort · 18/01/2020 07:59

We have an only child (by choice) I don’t think anyone has asked if we were going to have another or voiced that it’s ‘selfish’ not to give him a sibling. Actually having any children is a very ‘selfish’ thing to do if you really analyse your feelings for why you have children.

He is now 18, confident, self assured and with a wide friendship group.

My DM is an ‘only’ at 86 she too is very confident, huge circle of friendships, and a positive outlook on life ‘no sitting around being a lonely old woman’. Maybe it’s just her personality but she has always been great about meeting new people, getting involved in things.

As everyone else says, having siblings is no guarantee of a support network or having help to care for elderly parents ... in so many cases that causes more problems and arguments about finances, care homes, wills etc etc.

PumpkinPie2016 · 18/01/2020 08:01

We have only one son, he's six now. He is a lovely, happy little boy with lots of friends at school.

I work full time in a busy, demanding job. Dh is semi-retired and has been since DS was 3. We wouldn't be able to do that with another child due to finances. It means that DH can do school drop off/pick up so DS doesn't have to go to wrap around. He now has 3 after school activities- football, swimming and beavers - I couldn't manage to take him to those and also allow another child to do the same.

I have time to focus on his homework and reading from school.

Life is busy but good and he can have a calm home where he can just relax.

PumpkinPie2016 · 18/01/2020 08:02

Posted too soon! Meant to add that there is nothing wrong with having an only child -focus on what you can give them.

It's nobody else's business! Thankfully, now ds is six, people have stopped asking!

Macaroni46 · 18/01/2020 08:05

I think it depends on what extended family you have as when the child gets older clubs and a dog won't be relevant. I am the only child of an only child and it's bloody lonely at times. When my mother got ill I was the only relative she had to look after her and I was juggling this with looking after my two DC.
Now she's gone my family is minimal and I really feel it, especially around Christmas etc. I was also very lonely growing up and feel the lack of siblings meant I didn't experience or develop the social skills such as resilience and sticking up for myself until I was a young adult. And that was through some crass mishandling of relationships on my part which I put down to not having learned how to relate to others on a day to day basis.
However, those are my circumstances and every family is different. If you have siblings yourself and they have children so that your little one will have plenty of their age family around them it could work. Likewise if you ensure they have lots of friends in their life.
But overall I think children are better off with a sibling.

TheGoogleMum · 18/01/2020 08:11

People can be rude about only children, but I think having an only is lovely. The child can get full parents attention without having to complete! Siblings may not get along anyway. My DC is younger than yours and will probably remain an only. We don't really have space or the money or mental capacity for more. I've said I might consider it when DC1 is 4 so old enough to help out a little and go to school but realistically I probably won't. DH says he doesn't mind but I don't think he does want another really. Others have already said about having another but I just say 1 is hard enough!

Planeplane · 18/01/2020 08:17

I think you should never have more kids than you can mentally, emotionally, physically and financially afford. Many people will argue siblings are brilliant and more important that money etc.... but actually kids life chances and happiness are mostly related to the stability and happiness of their parents

I think this sums it up really.

billy1966 · 18/01/2020 08:25

I certainly don't believe it's selfish.

Selfish is having children you cannot afford.

All of my children have close friends that are only children. They are the happiest most loved children and great kids.

The certainly seem extremely well rounded to me.

Ihaveamind · 18/01/2020 08:29

I have a sibling close to me in age who provided only stress and rows in childhood. As adults we try to get along but just don't really understand each other.
I know they would be there for me in any kind of crisis, but on a daily basis we don't communicate.
Also even though close in age we have very different memories from our shared childhood so even that is no comfort.
I think children should be born because they are wanted for themselves, not as a companion for an already existing child.
If our parents had thought like that our childhood would have been devastating for them.
We couldn't be left alone in a room for long in case we started physically fighting until adolescence!

econowifey · 18/01/2020 08:38

Only here and I find it so odd at how negative people find this.

My parents both had siblings and there was precious little / no support when my grandparents and other relatives needed old age support.

FinallyHere · 18/01/2020 08:39

a friend told me she thinks it’s a bit selfish

Paying attention to this sort of input will make your life a lot harder than it needs to be.

Chipmonkeypoopoo · 18/01/2020 08:40

YANBU. I'm an only child and love it. Wouldn't want a sibling. I also have an only child. I just tell people to get stuffed "one and we're done" is our mantra.

NameNumber5 · 18/01/2020 08:45

My DH is one of four and does not have contact with any of his siblings. They were not close growing up and the eldest one was abusive to the younger. He would love to be an only!

ButtonandPickle19 · 18/01/2020 09:13

I think looking at your finances is a very sensible thing to do. If you’re on benefits and want to be off them (very admirable!) and show your DD you can survive and provide for your family then that’s something you should be proud of. I have a 10 year age gap between my DC because I wasn’t in a position to have a second until recently. Practical is a good way to be x

ButtonandPickle19 · 18/01/2020 09:16

Oh and FWIW I have an older sister (7 years older) and a younger sister (8 years younger) and we’re all incredibly close and I’m so glad I had them, the age gap isn’t an issue for us

FiveFarthings · 18/01/2020 09:22

Both I and DH have siblings. Fine growing up as we had someone to play with but during our teens my sister and I hated each other. We get on fine now but we’re not close. FIL is one of six and only sees his siblings once a year at an annual family gathering!

Just because you have a sibling doesn’t mean they will get on or be close or even like each other.

We have one DD and we’re not having any more. She will have the benefit of having all of our love and attention plus financially we will be able to provide so much more for her. Also she has two cousins who are very similar in age so she will have children in the family to play with etc

FiveFarthings · 18/01/2020 09:26

Oh and also for the sake of my mental health I couldn’t go through another pregnancy and birth as it was horrific so there’s that. Sometimes you have to look after yourself in order to be a good parent.

Winterwoollies · 18/01/2020 10:35

Why oh why do people think they have the right to comment on our fertility/bodies/families? Something about kids makes people absolutely mental. I got asked consistently if I was ‘planning any little ones,’ throughout my thirties. Constantly. How did they know that I wasn’t trying and failing? Or couldn’t? Or didn’t want to?! They’d touch my stomach, judge me, ask me invasive questions... I don’t get it.

Just do whatever you want to do and don’t let judgmental ‘friends’ influence you with their unwarranted and uninvited opinions.

Chipmonkeypoopoo · 18/01/2020 10:52

Reminds me of the old "heir and a spare" saying.

BarbaraGordon · 18/01/2020 11:23

I'm an only child, very happy childhood (I may have occasionally asked about a brother or sister but it was only fleeting, probably prompted by someone we know having a baby), still very happy as an adult

Mix56 · 18/01/2020 17:47

I was watching a documentary earlier. Couples having up to 10 kids... in each reportage, one of the parents said, I was a lonely only child, or I wanted my DC to have siblings as I never had any etc...

SD1978 · 18/01/2020 18:11

For me a sibling is t a dog. You either want more children or you don't. To be considering 'taking one for the team' and producing a sibling like a plaything for your already existing child is not a great reason to have one. If you went more children, great, but you don't have to have one because your son needs a plaything.

cologne4711 · 18/01/2020 18:14

You don't "give" your kids siblings, you impose them.

And as we've said on other threads, it's not eco-friendly to have kids at all, never mind more than one or two.

I find it so interesting that so many people on here know adult siblings that don’t get on because, of all my friends and cousins and colleagues and so on, I can only think of one person who doesn’t get on with one sibling

My DH is one of four, and while he doesn't not get on with his siblings, he's not close to them and I don't think he thinks they bring anything to his life that he would have missed if it wasn't there.

amusedbush · 18/01/2020 18:16

DH is an only child and it didn’t affect him negatively at all. He says it never bothered him growing up.

I have one brother who is 6 and a bit years younger than me. He was the bane of my life growing up as he was so much younger, his needs came first and he was forever bugging me and stealing/breaking my stuff. I moved out when he was 14 and now that we’re adults we see each other maybe once a year.

Having a sibling doesn’t guarantee you’ll get on.

Parsley65 · 18/01/2020 18:43

Both my Father and Dh grew up as only children and hated it, but I'm sure there are plenty of others who will say they didn't get on with their brothers and/or sisters growing up.

Siblings bring an extra dimension, but you've got to do what's right for you. If you do have an only child make sure they have plenty of contact with friends and family - however distant.

Listen to everyone and make your own life choices.

Good luck

Flip

1 2 3 4 5