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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To not give DC a sibling?

111 replies

Sorbet25 · 17/01/2020 21:52

I have a nearly 3 year old DC, and since she was around 2 I’ve started getting the odd comment here and there about if I was going to have any more children or not.

Recently a friend told me she thinks it’s a bit selfish to only have one child, as they’ll be lonely, and miss out on having a brother/sister to grow up with.

It’s playing on my mind a bit - I grew up with three brothers/sisters and still speak to them frequently. But financially I would struggle to afford another, I had to take a study/career break for DD already and I’m only just getting back into things properly.

So AIBU to not consider having children for the foreseeable future, even if it means my DD will be an only child?

OP posts:

DesLynamsMoustache · 17/01/2020 22:36

Of course you're not BU. If you actually look at studies that have been done, not the anecdotes of people on MN, you'll find that only children are just as happy, and in some cases more so, than children with siblings, and benefit in a number of ways. If anecdotes are what we're doing, though, I was an only child and loved it and my DD will be an only child too.

researchaddict.com/only-child-effects/

But a weird number of people get very upset and defensive about people who choose to have one child. I've no idea why.

Fivetillmidnight · 17/01/2020 22:37

My 81 year old mother has never forgiven her mother for being too selfish (her mother's own words) to have another. Career, money, etc didn't matter to her. What mattered was never having a brother or sister.

peachypetite · 17/01/2020 22:38

I can’t believe people make those comments. I have a friend who took 9 years to conceive and it’s v unlikely she will ever be able to have another. It’s so insensitive. You don’t know what people may be going through.

SquigglePigs · 17/01/2020 22:41

I'm an only child and based on how horrific my pregnancy was DD will be an only child unless we adopt. Only have another child if you want one. Your DC does not need a sibling. I was perfectly happy as an only child, and am still happy as a nearly 40 yr old. I am confident my DD will be happy as an only child if that is how it pans out. Do not let misplaced guilt dictate your choices.

FaithInfinity · 17/01/2020 22:43

We have one DC. She would love to have a sibling but we have fertility problems and other health problems (that contribute to the fertility issues) and it’s just not possible for us to have any more. She isn’t a ‘lonely only’ because she’s very close to hers cousins (they are all good friends and live close by). She does ask for a sibling, she pointed out if she remains an only child her children wouldn’t have cousins..but then there’s no guarantee she’ll have kids or that her (imaginary) sibling would!

It’s nice to share the load with my sister, our Dad isn’t well. But I worked as an elderly nurse for a long time and I can confirm that a lot of the time one sibling takes all the responsibility and caring while the others do nothing

DesLynamsMoustache · 17/01/2020 22:44

It's always the same on these MN threads and is at total odds with the world I live in where plenty of people have only children and no one really thinks anything of it because it's not actually anything that needs to be commented on.

As for your mother, @Fivetillmidnight, unfortunately for her, we don't relinquish our own rights to our body and independent lives when we have a child. Your grandmother made a decision that was right for her. The only reason she needed was that one was enough for her. I feel sorry for her if your mother has spent her whole life carrying a grudge for something like that. What a waste of energy.

DesLynamsMoustache · 17/01/2020 22:47

But I worked as an elderly nurse for a long time and I can confirm that a lot of the time one sibling takes all the responsibility and caring while the others do nothing

And this is absolutely correct (and it's usually the woman). My mum had two brothers but she shouldered the vast majority of care for my grandfather. My uncle's sole contribution was to steal money from his bank account as he lay dying in hospital.

crazycatlady7 · 17/01/2020 22:47

I have one (12weeks old) we are 99.9% sure he will be one. I've had odd comments that we will have a 2nd. Um... no! Our reasons are our age... (we are mid 30s), finances- we both have good careers and are happy with our life style and choices. I didn't enjoy being pregnant, I had a traumatic birth so why repeat?

I know we can provide our son with a great life, my friends live all over the world so he will travel- much easier with one. He won't be lonely- I have 2 brothers and 9 cousins- I'm much closer to my cousins than my brothers and hope he will be. We holiday with my cousins and their children... so he has them to grow up with. He has a cousin who he sees weekly and hope this continues. (I had the same, when we started school it became every other weekend and we had so many holidays together)

To be honest it's no ones business our life choices.

AwdBovril · 17/01/2020 22:47

Other people should fuck off with their uninvited comments about your family plans.

This. DH & I had always wanted 2 children. DD has been asking for another baby since she was 2 (she's now 7). We're fortunate she was born healthy. We can't have another because I'm too ill, & just writing this has me in tears about it. We tell people that it's fine, we're happy with 1 lovely child, but I'm not. I never will be & it hurts. People are thoughtless, short sighted, repetitive twats sometimes. I used to be polite, & skirt round the issue. I'm not any more, & people tend not to keep asking, strangely.

FrankRattlesnake · 17/01/2020 22:47

I’m a one and only and totally don’t understand the dynamic of siblings. I can be far too independent and unable to ask for help but I also am comfortable meeting new people and making first introductions.

My LO will be an only child - this has been a choice, one that is often criticised as selfish. One reason for our decision is that you cannot guarantee any bond with siblings.

My biggest concern as with my parents is what happens when we get old and need help. THere will be no expectation our lo will be expected to care for us, we will make all the provisions necessary, but hope they come visit for hugs and chats!

saffronshawty · 17/01/2020 22:47

Following because I'm in the same situation. I'm so happy with one child and she's only 21 months but I also feel like my family should be a family of 4 and I have those dreams, but I'm also loving the idea of a only child life lol.

me and my brother (18 months apart) do not speak we are NC. Me and my sister (10 years apart) now we are both 26 and 16 get on amazing! So I'm all for big age gaps too.

midnightmisssuki · 17/01/2020 22:48

Look Op - you only want one child, you have one child. End of story. I wanted two children, I have two, end of story. Why are you letting what someone who is not an integral part of you like, make you re-evaluate a serious life choice - unless it was already on your mind.

hungrywalrus · 17/01/2020 22:48

Only you know what’s right for you. No one else is going to be pitching in elbow deep into the incredible, yet exhausting journey that a new child brings. The buck stops with you. Opinions of other people are frankly not relevant as they can’t see things through the prism of your life. You have your reasons for whatever you do and that’s more than enough.

whattodo2019 · 17/01/2020 22:48

I'm a very happy and well adjusted only child. It's no one else's business if you decide to have another child or not.

Only children can and go have wonderfully happy lives!

TheReef · 17/01/2020 22:51

I had a sibling and we absolutely hated each other, no redeeming feature to our relationship.

I had two because 'it was the done thing' i now wish I'd stuck with one. The argue all the time, it ruins family days out, Christmas, birthdays, you name it, trust me op, stick with one and ignore the comments

GreenTulips · 17/01/2020 22:51

This is odd

We holiday with my cousins and their children... so he has them to grow up with. He has a cousin who he sees weekly and hope this continues

Your grandchildren should they appear wound have cousins though.

gobbynorthernbird · 17/01/2020 22:56

I don't think a sibling is necessary. As PP have pointed out, there is nothing to say that siblings will get along, or muck in to help. We see thread after thread on here about very serious sibling disagreements, or someone having to care for elderly parents with no help from their brothers or sisters.

howwillthispanout · 17/01/2020 22:56

I am an only child, as is my DM and my DD - never ever felt that we weren’t a family. Never ever wanted siblings either.

DeRigueurMortis · 17/01/2020 22:59

I'm an only, so is DH so was my DM.

Whilst I'm a step mother to DH's first born I only have one biological child.

None of us feel hard done to by not having siblings.

All of us have/had a fantastic and very close relationship with our parents.

We all benefitted from having opportunities that our parents might not have been able to provide had their time/financial resources been split between siblings.

None of us grew up lonely. In part, being an only meant we've all formed close and loyal friendship circles that have lasted for decades.

Of my friends I know of only one who has a close and loving relationship with their sibling. The rest have either cool but cordial set up or a very negative/acrimonious situation that largely stems from childhood "slights" or bullying.

The simple fact is that like any individuals, siblings aren't guaranteed to become friends in childhood and equally adulthood.

The only downside I've ever felt about being an only is not having anyone to share the support of my parents as they age and ultimately family memories when they die.

However, having seen a friend go through the loss of both parents to dementia to find her brother offer zero practical and emotional support - rather be actively obstructive and utterly focused on protecting his inheritance even if it was to the detriment of his parents welfare (wanting them cheapest care homes located hours away from his sister so she would find it difficult to visit for example), I've come to the conclusion that even the idea of pulling together in those circumstances isn't guaranteed.

Upshot is I'm not knocking people having multiple children but I do get utterly pissed off at the reason being touted that only children are being disadvantaged/lonely. People have more than one child because as parents they want to. That's fine. It's also fine to just want one child and it's shitty to make people feel guilty about it.

NoWayNoHow · 17/01/2020 23:04

I find it so weird when people suggest that you might wish to birth and raise to adulthood a whole separate human just to amuse the child you already have, or to look after you in your twilight years. As though that child won't be an individual in the own right for all the time in between.

OP, if you don't want more kids, don't have one just so your current DC has a play thing.

DartmoorChef · 17/01/2020 23:07

I'm an only. I hate it. Both parents passed away before I was 40. It was hard having no family support. It's hard now as I get older.

reluctantbrit · 17/01/2020 23:07

I have an 8 year old sister who hates my mum and I have very low contact.

DH is a single child and doesn’t have any cousins close to his age.

DD is a single child as well. This is more due to our age whenshe was born, my PND and the need to work and advantages financially to just have one.

My friends are closer than my sister, while I do think DD may be at a disadvantage I think having a sibling does not mean the solution to all problems,

Regarding caring about parents, luckily both of our parents are realistic enough knowing that we are unable to do anything as we are too far away and they don’t want us to come back. My mum actually said that she would never think a child should put her life on hold to care for a parent, she did it for several months and remembers too well how it affected the family.

Boobiliboobiliboo · 17/01/2020 23:12

Recently a friend told me she thinks it’s a bit selfish to only have one child, as they’ll be lonely, and miss out on having a brother/sister to grow up with.

My parents gave me a sibling. We hated each other pretty much from the word go. DD is an only. She’s 9 now, has a lovely life and —ignorant— people have pretty much stopped asking.

shiningstar2 · 17/01/2020 23:12

It isn't all sweetness and light having siblings. You only have to read these boards to come across sibling jealousy and resentment ranging from perceived differences in childhood to being resentful of siblings who are seen as having better lives. There is also the golden child/scapegoat child thing. There is no guarantee that having siblings will make it easier when parents get older either. How often do we read threads where one child does all the work and feels under appreciated. Sometimes siblings live miles away or in other countries and are hardly in touch. There are resentments when parents look after one siblings children saving them thousands and not the other siblings. These are all off the top of my head without having to think at all, just from threads on Mumsnets.

I was lucky with my siblings and my daughter is a happy only child. Do what is best for you and your family op and others can do the same. As others have said there are advantages and disadvantages to both scenarios as well as things which might or might not happen in the future which you can't possibly factor in. One which comes immediately to mind is when siblings marry and dynamics change almost overnight. Good luck with whatever you eventually decide

AlexaShutUp · 17/01/2020 23:14

I have one dc and she loves being an only child. Don't have another one unless you actually want one.

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