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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt and upset by this message?

105 replies

Chestermay10 · 14/01/2020 08:16

NC for this as don’t want it linked to other posts.

I was sorting out some old phones to stick online and sell and I was clearing messages etc off them.
There was one my OH had sent a few months back to his mate saying
“Keep this between us mate, she’s pregnant”
His friend replied “Great news mate! So happy for you both”
And my OH put “Not really, don’t want any more kids”

Now what he’s written isn’t what upset me...we had decided together that we didn’t want any more children and that I’d have a termination. It was something I really struggled with at the time and it’s taken me quite a while to get over. We decided at the time that we didn’t want ANYONE to know. I’d have been really upset if it had somehow got back to any of our DC. He completely agreed with this.

So AIBU to be upset that he told his friend in a text message? Probably had a conversation afterwards with him about it and I was never aware.
I’ve seen his friend and his friends wife quite a few times since and I feel so uncomfortable knowing that he (and possibly she) knew.

I don’t know if it’s worth saying anything to my OH about it now? Obviously it’s done and can’t be changed.

OP posts:
Ariadnepersephonecloud · 14/01/2020 08:18

I wouldn't say anything, it's his friend and I'm sure we've all vented to our friends about things. Try to forget about it xxx

Mumdiva99 · 14/01/2020 08:18

It's a shame that he didn't tell you he told his friend. But have you ever discussed something without telling your OH? Put it in perspective of your whole relationship.... it's probably not worth getting upset about now.

misspiggy19 · 14/01/2020 08:20

YABU- is he not allowed to vent to his friend? I don’t see the issue here at all.

Original poster
Chestermay10 · 14/01/2020 08:22

Yea I guess so....
I think my judgement might be slightly clouded because it’s still quite raw and although it was something we both decided was for the best, it was still horrible and affected me quite badly.
Thanks for your thoughts.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 14/01/2020 08:24

I agree with others, I’d talk to a friend in confidence in a situation like that.

user1493413286 · 14/01/2020 08:25

I think it would have been right for him to say to you that he’d spoken about it with his friend but I’d leave it. We all react to things differently and he hasn’t said anything bad.

soapboxqueen · 14/01/2020 08:30

I'd feel quite upset by that and I'd probably be discussing with Dh about how I felt. Mainly because if I didn't, it would build a wedge and I'd feel I couldn't trust him.

To me, if someone says 'this is a secret' or 'don't tell anyone' then it doesn't go any further.

Sirzy · 14/01/2020 08:33

I agree with others sometimes you need someone slightly outside the situation to support you. When your both struggling sometimes it’s hard to be 100% honest with the other party about your own feelings because you don’t want to hurt them more or open old wounds so to have a safe venting point makes more sense than bottling things

Theroigne · 14/01/2020 08:36

I think you may find that ‘we decided’ actually meant ‘I decided’, op.

I’m sorry for what you’ve been through, but you can’t really control what is said between friends. Your dh had a right to confide in his friend if it helped him to get through it. I do understand why you’re upset and feel as if your trust has been compromised though Flowers

Scarlettpixie · 14/01/2020 08:37

It would have been better if he had told you he had spoken to his friend but I guess he felt the need to talk to someone outside the situation and didn’t want to upset you. You have no need to be embarrassed.

StillSurviving · 14/01/2020 08:37

Look at it as your DH needing support and someone to talk to because he also found it a hard situation. Men are often criticised for not opening up, and although not done in the same way that women often do it , that text message exchange could have been a huge support to him. Yes, you’d agreed to keep it private, but don’t be angry with him that he needed the support.

SilverPinkDaisies · 14/01/2020 08:37

I’d be furious, half the village will know something very private by now.

Cheeserton · 14/01/2020 08:39

You really told nobody at all yourself? In confidence?

PurpleDaisies · 14/01/2020 08:39

half the village will know something very private by now.

That’s not necessarily true. I would never share something my best friend told me in confidence. There’s no reason to think the husband’s friend is any different.

Palavah · 14/01/2020 08:39

Did you tell noone apart from your DH?

frazzledasarock · 14/01/2020 08:40

Igbo you both discussed it and both agreed not to tell anyone, your reaction is understandable.

I’d talk to DH about it anyway as it’s clearly upset you.

This all sounds very raw for you still and your emotions over the abortion may also be affecting your feelings about your DH confiding in his friend whilst you feel you kept your end of the agreement.

Have you spoken to anyone about it? It sounds like you need to.

LigPatin · 14/01/2020 08:45

It would have been better if he had told you he had spoken to his friend but I guess he felt the need to talk to someone outside the situation and didn’t want to upset you. You have no need to be embarrassed.

this

Original poster
Chestermay10 · 14/01/2020 08:47

I didn’t discuss it with anyone at all other than my DH. As that was what we’d agreed. If he’d have said to me that he felt he wanted to discuss it with his friend I would have been ok with it. It just felt a bit sneaky I guess.

OP posts:
FoamingAtTheUterus · 14/01/2020 08:52

It sounds like he needed some outside support. That's very normal.

Original poster
Chestermay10 · 14/01/2020 08:57

Just to clarify, I’m not angry with him about it. Just feel a bit let down really because he was the one that didn’t want us saying anything to anyone. We live in a very small village and everyone knows everyone and things have a habit of getting passed on...
I think he was concerned about how it would look to other people and didn’t want anyone else knowing.
It’s not that I have a problem with him talking to his friend, I’d never have wanted him to bottle things up if he felt he needed to talk. I just wish he’d given me a heads up that he’d told him.

OP posts:
christmastreewithhairyfairy · 14/01/2020 08:58

YANBU - I'd be upset in your situation. He is not BU for needing to talk to someone but he should have been honest with you that he needed that. It's a very sensitive issue and in your position I'd like to know who knew about it.

deydododatdodontdeydo · 14/01/2020 09:02

Depends on your relationship and personalities. I never share anything personal with friends, I'm pretty sure DH doesn't either.
But I know a lot of people do, especially women.
Some of my friends over share (in my opinion) personal details of their relationships.

imaflutteringkite · 14/01/2020 09:02

I think I can see why you're upset but perhaps your DH wasn't coping as well as he appeared to be and needed to discuss it with someone who wasn't so close to the situation.

Original poster
Chestermay10 · 14/01/2020 09:06

Thanks everyone. I think I am going to mention it to him. I don’t want it bubbling away inside me and causing friction between us without giving him the chance to explain.
I want him to know I don’t ever mind him confiding in a friend about things but in future I’d like to know-If it’s something we’d both previously agreed not to discuss with others.

OP posts:
AnuvvaMuvva · 14/01/2020 09:09

Do old messages really stay on old phones if you haven't put the SIM in? 🤔

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