To be hurt and upset by this message?

[Chestermay10]

NC for this as don’t want it linked to other posts.

I was sorting out some old phones to stick online and sell and I was clearing messages etc off them.
There was one my OH had sent a few months back to his mate saying
“Keep this between us mate, she’s pregnant”
His friend replied “Great news mate! So happy for you both”
And my OH put “Not really, don’t want any more kids”

Now what he’s written isn’t what upset me...we had decided together that we didn’t want any more children and that I’d have a termination. It was something I really struggled with at the time and it’s taken me quite a while to get over. We decided at the time that we didn’t want ANYONE to know. I’d have been really upset if it had somehow got back to any of our DC. He completely agreed with this.

So AIBU to be upset that he told his friend in a text message? Probably had a conversation afterwards with him about it and I was never aware.
I’ve seen his friend and his friends wife quite a few times since and I feel so uncomfortable knowing that he (and possibly she) knew.

I don’t know if it’s worth saying anything to my OH about it now? Obviously it’s done and can’t be changed.

Your or others’ decisions about your personal information are for you to make. OP did not want hers to be disclosed.

Disclosure of another person’s sensitive personal information is not a “molehill”. Were this the case we wouldn’t bother with things like data protection law!

But I’m in a committed relationship and I trusted him not to share my private choices about my body. As he’d trusted me not to share it, which I didn’t.

Dolly, “we” didn’t become pregnant, you did. Your decision to share information with your friend about your treatment was for you to share, or not.

Your H’s wish (not a ‘right’) to disclose your personal information didn’t outweigh your wish for privacy. It would have been better IMO if he’d respected your privacy and not lied by omission. Fair enough that you understood his feelings and wishes and feel OK about it - other women would feel/have felt differently.

Your husband obviously needed to talk to someone, why not you I don’t know, I’m not in your marriage , his friend it seems is very important to him and it also sounds like he hasn’t gossiped about it

maybe he thinks you’ve confided in someone else as well, go on nearly any mums night out and at least 2-3 women are talking about their relationship and problems within it

YANBU. He said he wanted it to be private and just between you two, and he told someone else you knew after he'd told you he wanted it to be private.

It is a shame that he told his friend, but you know what, we all need people to talk to about things sometimes.

YABU ... sorry.

@Dozer

Point taken about 'we' getting pregnant - I hate that as a turn of phrase so yes, apologies.

But DH was as much a part of the fertility investigations as I was - both physically and emotionally - and I believe he had as much of a right to discuss them as I did. Whether that's the physical element (the tests themselves) or the emotional element (oh god we might not be able to have children). Why did my needs trump his in something we were going through together?

Yes, the actual abortion itself in the OP's case was hers and hers alone and I stand by the fact that an abortion is 100% about the woman and no one else has a right to make that decision. But the accidental pregnancy/difficult decision emotional side is absolutely something that has been borne by both of them.

We're constantly going on about the need for men to be involved and engaged in the emotional labour that comes with relationships and families but then we're claiming that only the woman has a right to external support to help with that. I can't understand that at all. If you're a partnership, and going through an experience like this together, you are both entitled to seek support.

I reiterate that, as always on here, we don't have the full facts and only OP can determine what his motivations were, but I cannot find it within myself to condemn the actions of a man who (I assume) was seeking support for himself so that he could continue to support his wife in a difficult and emotionally taxing scenario that they were experiencing together as a couple/partnership.

@Dollywilde
I completely agree with everything you’ve said.
Apart from the fact that it was my DH that made it quite clear he didn’t want it being discussed with anyone else.
This would have been a complete non-issue had he come to me and said, “you know what, I’m struggling with this a bit, would you mind if I spoke to Fred about it?” and I would have been more than happy for him to...because at least then I would have known.

Fully understand that fertility issues, treatments, experience etc affect both partners and have experienced that.

But info on our health and any treatment we personally have is our personal info to disclose, or not. The other person’s wish to disclose it isn’t equivalent.

Eg If a man has fertility issues, or a woman is having IVF, it’s not Ok for their partner to tell other people.

@Chestermay10 I totally get your thinking on this . I think in an ideal world he would have done. Being charitable (because I obviously don't know your DH!) I'd wonder if he would have considered that an additional burden on you/didn't want to upset you by bringing it up and by indicating that he needed support

I guess at the crux of the issue is whether you believe that lying by omission is in itself wrong or depends on the context. Personally I can think of times when it's ok to not mention something to your partner if it's in aid of making you a better support for them, but I know there are conflicting views (as this thread shows!).

Hopefully when you speak to him you'll be able to explain why you're unhappy that he spoke to his friend without your knowledge, and he'll be able to reassure you that it's not gone any further, and you'll both get to draw a line under it.

I feel for you that a difficult time has reemerged due to all this. I guess all you can do is recognise that you've both been through the mill a bit and be as kind to each other as you can.

Thankyou. He always tells me everything. We have a very honest relationship and always have done so I think this is part of the reason I’m struggling with this. I do think he probably didn’t want to ‘burden’ me with how he felt because he knew I was finding it all pretty tough going. Like I’ve said before though, I’m not angry with him and certainly won’t go at him all guns blazing but I need him to understand that it doesn’t sit right with me.

Genital warts aren't the same as a pregnancy. Whether we like it or not men have feelings, we expect them to be supportive when we are pregnant because after all we are carrying their baby, we expect support when the baby is born as it is their baby but if we decide to abort well it is none of their business and they certainly have no right to have feelings about it. It is obviously a woman's right to choose but it isn't her right to say the potential father hasn't got a right to have feelings about it.

Should he have gone against the promise, no he shouldn't. Should he need support from a friend, quite possibly.

OP is obviously entitled to privacy, her husband is entitled to support if he needs it. The problem is when the two collide.

Hope you get it sorted OP.

Talk to him. I think he should have told you he was thinking of speaking to a friend or that he had. However it’s probably not been done with bad intentions. I imagine he didn’t intend to tell anyone when he was discussing it with you.

I appreciate he is the father and may want to talk, but he should have found a way to keep it confidential, like he wanted initially.

Every time you tell something to someone, you risk others finding out because you can never 100% trust someone not to tell, especially if it isn't a spouse (where you'd naturally expect to trust). What's the old saying? "A secret is only a secret when one of you is dead."

And in this case OP deserves to have been told before her OH opened his gob. After all, it's her private medical information being shared here, regardless that he's the father.

OP YANBU

What some seem to be missing here is the OP's DH has confided in his friend while simulataneously denying the OP the right to confide in someone she trusted if she felt the need to.

If all he said was what you report in your OP, then your DH didn't actually tell his friend (at least in that exchange) that you were planning an abortion; it is quite possible that his friend thinks you had a miscarriage and is very sorry about it.

This is just as bad, from the point of view of his not having kept his mouth shut -- and worse, not having told you that he hadn't. But it isn't quite as bad as if he had said that you were planning an abortion, is it?

YANBU in the slightest op.

I wonder how many people on here would like their termination being discussed without their knowledge.

YANBU OP.

You agreed something with him, that was private, and involved a medical decision concerning your body.

You have every reason to be very disappointed in him breaking your trust.

You agreed on privacy.
You do not have to justify your wish for privacy.

He broke your trust.
You have every right to be very pissed off with him.
💐💐

I don't understand the hypocrisy being shown by the ones saying the OP is YANBU . If this was true than how would they be able to be part of a Mumsnet- as it has hundreds if not thousands of comments and private information being shared which I would wager over 3/4s of which would not have been gotten permission from their DH.
He shared this information with his closest friend ( and I have no doubt that nearly all the posters would have done the same), you have now shared your post with a group of strangers, if he is guilty than so are you.

That's a serious breach of trust. It's not hard to maintain a confidence. Is he always a gossip?

I can understand the need to confide in a trusted friend, bit on a text? Bluntly worded 'she's pregnant' as if OP had been overspending or something? And not wanting 'more kids', as if kids were a blight? Not, a word that he was careless, or that he is happy with the children they have. Anf all this after enjoining her to silence?

Say they did meet up and have a heart-to-heart: why didn't he tell OP straight away? The two men have met socially with OP both knowing the friend knew while she was trusting his word and had no idea. Without checking the old phone, she still wouldn't. That's awful. A termination isn't shameful but it is private! An agreement about confidentiality must be binding if trust is to survive.

I'd be wondering who else knows now, and what other private matters DH has shared with his buddy and not told OP. DH could have discussed his feeling with the doctor as easily as OP could and if he needed more, why deny her the same?

It's a double betrayal, first in the text itself and second in the secrecy around it. It's an example of one rule for him, another for her. It makes him an untrustworthy leaky vessel. It's hypocritical because he was the one insisting on secrecy and then blabbing.

None of this is good or even OK.

It's never good for the trusting partner to be made to feel a fool for thinking they were on the same page.

Chestermay, 'We have a very honest relationship...'

You thought you had. That is all you need to say to him, really. That you thought you were both always open and honest but now you can only be certain of your side of that.

Cheeseandwin5, MN is anonymous! There's all the difference in the world. I think you get that really.