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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be hurt and upset by this message?

105 replies

Chestermay10 · 14/01/2020 08:16

NC for this as don’t want it linked to other posts.

I was sorting out some old phones to stick online and sell and I was clearing messages etc off them.
There was one my OH had sent a few months back to his mate saying
“Keep this between us mate, she’s pregnant”
His friend replied “Great news mate! So happy for you both”
And my OH put “Not really, don’t want any more kids”

Now what he’s written isn’t what upset me...we had decided together that we didn’t want any more children and that I’d have a termination. It was something I really struggled with at the time and it’s taken me quite a while to get over. We decided at the time that we didn’t want ANYONE to know. I’d have been really upset if it had somehow got back to any of our DC. He completely agreed with this.

So AIBU to be upset that he told his friend in a text message? Probably had a conversation afterwards with him about it and I was never aware.
I’ve seen his friend and his friends wife quite a few times since and I feel so uncomfortable knowing that he (and possibly she) knew.

I don’t know if it’s worth saying anything to my OH about it now? Obviously it’s done and can’t be changed.

OP posts:
AllergicToAMop · 14/01/2020 09:10

The thing is that you did discuss it with someone else. With the doctors, didn't you. The other partner doesn't really get this chance. He probably didn't tell you so you wouldn't worry about things being awkward

AllergicToAMop · 14/01/2020 09:11

@AnuvvaMuvva yes. Sim has a limited memory. You will have some contacts on it that's it. Take your sim out and see

AnuvvaMuvva · 14/01/2020 09:13

@AllergicToAMop I will try this on my DS's old phone! 😆 Never knew that. Thanks.

flouncyfanny · 14/01/2020 09:13

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ittakes2 · 14/01/2020 09:16

It sounds like he told him before you decided what to do about it and had the conversation about not telling anyone? It’s likely he then did not want to upset you.

Clevererthanyou · 14/01/2020 09:18

Er why does your DH need someone to talk to about this? He didn’t want another child but he was as responsible as you to take precautions and avoid an unwanted pregnancy. He didn’t have to go through the process or deal with the emotional fallout so he should have shut his mouth and said nothing. This wasn’t his business to share with anyone.

Yika · 14/01/2020 09:19

I would be very upset. Agreeing not to tell anyone means exactly that.

IncrediblySadToo · 14/01/2020 09:22

I’d be very hurt if it was something we had agreed to keep between us.

His word clearly means nothing, so he’s destroying the trust.

I’m sorry you went through a termination. Has he been for the snip now if neither of you want anymore kids?

Zaphodsotherhead · 14/01/2020 09:27

You are clearly also feeling the effects of not being able to talk about it - that way depression can lie. Were you offered post-termination counselling at all? Because bottling things up in a very 'stiff upper lip, don't want to talk about it, all over now' way is really not good for either of you.

You, and he, need to feel you can talk about how the whole thing made you feel, so maybe some joint counselling where you can talk about it, in private, with a third party, could be a good thing?

BorissGiantJohnson · 14/01/2020 09:34

I'd feel betrayed and let down too. He wasn't the pregnant one, he wasn't the one who actually had to go through it all. He said he wouldn't say anything and he lied and he sought support outside the marriage, while op thought they were both just leaning on each other. That's shitty. My trust in him would really be damaged by this.

BillHadersNewWife · 14/01/2020 09:34

People can act weird around babies and impending babies OP. My best friend and her DH had suffered from infertility and were about to go through IVF when she discovered she was pregnant. Who did she call to tell? ME! Not her DH!

I was Shock but that had been her first instinct...of course I didn't question her reasoning...I just whooped with her and then she went off to find her DH who was at the pub!

MulticolourMophead · 14/01/2020 10:14

I agree with BorissGiantJohnson. If the OH needed to talk, he had OP, or he could have had confidential counselling. Now, I'd bet it's gone beyond the friend (and his wife). Becsuse unless the OH specifically said it was private it'll have been mentioned elsewhere.

Aderyn19 · 14/01/2020 10:19

I'd be very upset too. If a couple decide to keep something to themselves, then neither should be blabbing to friends.
I think his friend will have told his wife.

Urkiddingright · 14/01/2020 10:24

I understand OP, I would be hurt too. You both agreed to keep this a secret between yourselves and it’s incredibly personal, you didn’t break your side of the deal but he did his.

Wereallsquare · 14/01/2020 10:39

I have been in this situation. It was not DH, but brother who felt the need to "confide" private family news to a so-called friend, who proceeded to tell everyone she knew. And I found out that the news was all over the village because the private family news got to someone who, instead of spreading the news further, called to let me know that it was out there. It was embarrassing because everyone was talking about me behind my back and I had no idea. There was absolutely NO need for my brother to share that extremely personal information with anyone. Your DH was also wrong. What business is your pregnancy to his friend? How could his friend have any advice or information to contribute to that situation? Our family have never forgotten what brother did -- confidential info is no longer shared with him. I would definitely be talking to DH about family boundaries, confidentiality and anonymous avenues for "venting" in the future. I really feel for you, OP.

1forsorrow · 14/01/2020 11:14

I think the timeline is important, did he offload to his friend before you discussed abortion and not telling anyone? If he did he might have felt it was OK as he could just say to friend it was a false alarm.

Sorry if I missed details about the timeline.

DrivingMsCrazy · 14/01/2020 11:15

Was that text message definitely sent after you had had the discussion about not telling anyone? Or was it before, when you'd found out you were pregnant but not yet decided to terminate? That's vital to know.
If after then yes, I would be upset he had broken our agreement and worried about who else now knows private info. I would need to discuss that with him and point out his friend/wife may not be as discreet as you would have wanted! (I also live in a rural village and am well aware of what gossip is like!)

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 14/01/2020 11:19

Why can’t an adult confide in a friend if they need too? This abortion isn’t something that only effected op, so why isn’t he allowed to talk about it.

All this oh he didn’t tell me, “we” agreed not to tell anyone (more likely op decided) I mean what a fucker talking to someone in confidence, the bastard.

I wouldn’t even mention it.

Yabu

IntermittentParps · 14/01/2020 11:20

I really don't get those saying YABU. You decided together at the time that you didn’t want anyone to know. Does 'anyone' not include friends? Confused
YANBU OP.

Dozer · 14/01/2020 11:24

If you’d agreed to keep it private it was a breach of your privacy and trust to discuss the pregnancy and termination with a friend.

Having done that, it would’ve been best for him to tell you. Lying by omission put you in the dark when spending time with the friend and his wife. Unkind / disrespectful, at best.

Aderyn19 · 14/01/2020 11:35

P1nk rtft. It was the husband who wanted to keep it quiet. If a couple agree to keep something private he doesn't have a right to confide in a friend because it means betraying a promise made to his wife.

Untrained · 14/01/2020 11:36

Please, please OP dont let this fester; talk to your OH about it. I found some incredibly hurtful comments on my husbands phone about me and our life together to his friend/s. Honestly they shook my world; I didnt know he felt like that and I was devastated that he had said such things to anyone outside our marriage. I will never get the chance to find out if he was just venting after we'd had an argument or whether he really felt like that, as I only found them after the police gave me his phone with the rest of his personal effects after he died in an accident. I wish with all my heart I could've talked to him about those messages so we (I) could have tried to put things right.

Aderyn19 · 14/01/2020 11:37

And since the OP was the one actually having a termination, even if it was her sole decision to keep it private, that's her prerogative. It might affect him too, but he wasn't the one who had to actually have the procedure

Aderyn19 · 14/01/2020 11:38

Untrained, that's awful. So sorry Flowers

1forsorrow · 14/01/2020 11:39

Untrained that is so sad. So hard when you can't resolve it.