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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To be hurt and upset by this message?

105 replies

Chestermay10 · 14/01/2020 08:16

NC for this as don’t want it linked to other posts.

I was sorting out some old phones to stick online and sell and I was clearing messages etc off them.
There was one my OH had sent a few months back to his mate saying
“Keep this between us mate, she’s pregnant”
His friend replied “Great news mate! So happy for you both”
And my OH put “Not really, don’t want any more kids”

Now what he’s written isn’t what upset me...we had decided together that we didn’t want any more children and that I’d have a termination. It was something I really struggled with at the time and it’s taken me quite a while to get over. We decided at the time that we didn’t want ANYONE to know. I’d have been really upset if it had somehow got back to any of our DC. He completely agreed with this.

So AIBU to be upset that he told his friend in a text message? Probably had a conversation afterwards with him about it and I was never aware.
I’ve seen his friend and his friends wife quite a few times since and I feel so uncomfortable knowing that he (and possibly she) knew.

I don’t know if it’s worth saying anything to my OH about it now? Obviously it’s done and can’t be changed.

OP posts:

1forsorrow · 14/01/2020 11:41

It was the husband who wanted to keep it quiet. If a couple agree to keep something private he doesn't have a right to confide in a friend because it means betraying a promise made to his wife, We don't know if the message was before or after the promise, as I suggested earlier if it was before he could have just followed up by saying it was a false alarm so friend doesn't know there actually was a pregnancy let alone an abortion.

OP talk to him about the timeline as that will make a difference.

aintnothinbutagstring · 14/01/2020 11:50

So everyone saying it's ok, you'd want everyone knowing you'd had an abortion right? There is still so much stigma attached to abortion too. Hope you're ok OP You can always seek more counselling, it's such a hard thing to go through.

Dozer · 14/01/2020 11:55

Horrified that of 260 votes so far 49% have voted that OP is U.

Implies that those voters think that a man’s wish to tell people outweighs a woman’s to have privacy.

gamerchick · 14/01/2020 11:55

Just feel a bit let down really because he was the one that didn’t want us saying anything to anyone. We live in a very small village and everyone knows everyone and things have a habit of getting passed on...
I think he was concerned about how it would look to other people and didn’t want anyone else knowing

See you need to talk to him about it as it looks as if he just wanted you not to share because of how it looks. These things have a habit of eating away at us.

It's such a shame abortions have such a stigma attached. You deserve some support as well OP.

frazzledasarock · 14/01/2020 12:03

@1forsorrow if he’s already discussed it with friends then why did he subsequently want to keep it quiet?

OP I do think you need to discuss this with your H but you also need to talk to someone it’s clearly still a very raw issue for you and you do need an outlet to air how you feel.

Original poster

Chestermay10 · 14/01/2020 12:04

Thanks again to everyone that’s replied.
He text his friend AFTER we’d had the discussion about having a termination and keeping it between just us. As I’d said previously, it was him that wanted it kept quiet (not that it would have been something I’d have told everyone anyway)
To the pp that said he had a right to discuss this with someone as I’d discussed it with the dr....
That is ridiculous. He came with me to all of the appointments and had as much opportunity to discuss it with the dr as I did.
He lost his right, imo, to discuss it with other people, when we agreed not to discuss it with other people.

OP posts:

Aderyn19 · 14/01/2020 12:05

Agree that the timeline is important but even if he told his friend before they agreed not to discuss with outsiders, he owed it to his wife to tell her he'd already spoken to his friend. It's horrible that the OP was put in the position of seeing people who knew her most personal information and she didn't know that they knew.
I'd be feeling horribly betrayed. What if OP had needed outside support but didn't seek it because of a promise she'd made to her dh? Meanwhile he's told people they socialise with and hasn't even given her a heads up.

Dozer · 14/01/2020 12:07

Timeline not important. It’s natural to assume that one’s partner won’t disclose sensitive personal information to family/friends without consent.

Dozer · 14/01/2020 12:08

OP, you say you’re not angry with him. Is that really true? If so, why not? It’s a big let down and deceit

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 14/01/2020 12:08

So everyone saying it's ok, you'd want everyone knowing you'd had an abortion right?

Now come on that’s not what happened here. Her DH told 1 friend, he confided in 1 friend. Yes I’d be happy for my adult DH to decide he need to talk to a friend about it.

Also maybe if more people were open the stigma wouldn’t exist. OP choose to abort, she wanted to abort so what’s with the shame anyway

1forsorrow · 14/01/2020 12:10

Horrible of him to do it after you'd both agreed not to discuss it. You do need to talk about it, it isn't something you can just forget.

Dozer · 14/01/2020 12:15

Pink and pretty username, pinkheartlovescake but not so pretty views.

Disclosing someone else’s private info to one person risks lots more people finding out.

The privacy of women who are pregnant and have an abortion or indeed a miscarriage or health issue outweighs a man’s wish to disclose her info to others.

to the idea that women telling all and sundry would reduce social disapproval of abortion.

Original poster

Chestermay10 · 14/01/2020 12:21

@P1nkHeartLovesCake

I have no ‘shame’ thankyou.
I had an abortion as it was the right thing for us and our family.
That still doesn’t mean I want other people knowing about it. It was MY private business. To do with MY body.

@Dozer
I’m honestly not angry with him. The friend he told has been his best friend for years (before I’d even met DH) and they’ve supported each other through a lot. I don’t feel it would be beneficial to be angry with him now anyway. I do feel let down though. He may trust his friend 100% not to tell anyone else but I don’t know him well enough to have that much trust in him iyswim.
It just doesn’t sit right with me that people (or 1 other person) knows something about me that I thought nobody else...but me and DH knew.

OP posts:

misspiggy19 · 14/01/2020 12:21

So everyone saying it's ok, you'd want everyone knowing you'd had an abortion right?

^Er it is 1 person! And yes I wouldn’t have an issue or be so precious that my partner felt he needed to speak to someone else about it.

thepeopleversuswork · 14/01/2020 12:22

I can understand why you'd feel upset at a kneejerk level -- you're only human.

But I think you have to keep it in context and understand that he essentially only felt as you (more or less) did and needed to vent to someone.

I would discuss it with him to clear the air and to establish rules for dealing with things like this in the future... but I'd keep it fairly non-confrontational

MorganKitten · 14/01/2020 12:24

Maybe he needed to talk about it, men are allowed to feel things too. But on here they are always the bad one.

IntermittentParps · 14/01/2020 12:24

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

Chestermay10 · 14/01/2020 12:26

@P1nkHeartLovesCake

So if you, for instance, were in a LTR with someone and found out you’d caught genital warts from them because they’d been sleeping around behind your back, you’d be comfortable with that information being passed around without your knowledge?
Because after all, it would have been your fault. There’s no shame in catching an STD from a partner that was cheating on you.
Perhaps if we all spoke about our STD’s there’d be less stigma attached to it!

OP posts:

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 14/01/2020 12:28

Well thanks for your biscuit.

No I don’t think women should tell all and sundry, but I also don’t think women should sit at home ashamed of an abortion. As an adult they make a choice to abort a child for whatever reason, and I see no reason to hide it. I’m not saying shout from the roof tops but you don’t need to sit in silent shame either. Yes I think of more people spoke about it the social disapproval would slowly be less.

Her DH told 1 friend, 1 not all and sundry. It was his child too and if he needed to confide in a trusted friend I see no problem with that.

But of course my views are un pretty because they are different to yours. OP posted, I replied it’s not only me that thinks her DH was ok in what he did, just check the vote.....

mummyway · 14/01/2020 12:30

So you agreed not to say anything to anyone, then your husband went and broke your trust and you've had to face these people with them knowing about it all. I'd say your husband owes you an apology

perfectstorm · 14/01/2020 12:30

@P1nkHeartLovesCake God, you're horrible.

OP.

perfectstorm · 14/01/2020 12:35

@misspiggy19 is the horrible one, apologies.

@P1nkHeartLovesCake is just bloody insensitive.

Dozer · 14/01/2020 12:35

‘ I see no reason to hide it‘ Share whatever information you like about yourself! Respect that others have different wishes and reasons.

Yes, lots of voters apparently think that a man’s wish to share his partner’s personal info outweighs hers for privacy.

P1nkHeartLovesCake · 14/01/2020 12:39

No if someone gets an STD from being cheated on, of course I wouldn’t judge. No that person shouldn’t be ashamed at the end of the day they trusted someone, in a committed relationship and were cheated on. All out of there control. Honestly I am comfortable enough in myself to not care what information people have about me and if it was because I was cheated on, not sure where the stigma is as it wouldn’t be like I was out having unprotected sex all the time, being irresponsible.

With abortion it’s an active choice, one you made. Your were in control. I don’t get the silent shame no and this message is a molehill some are trying to make in to a mountain

Dollywilde · 14/01/2020 12:47

I'm with the 'yanbu to find it a shock, but he has a right to get support from a friend' camp.

DH and I had been having difficulties conceiving and had an appointment at the fertility clinic as we were coming up to a year with no joy. We had previously agreed to keep it between ourselves. As it was we fell pregnant naturally around that time. We were talking the other day though, and he admitted that he'd talked to his best friend in the lead up to the appointment about our issues (his best friend and wife had their child through IVF). I then shamefacedly admitted I'd also told my best friend a week before the appointment as I was finding it difficult and was worried, and I didn't want to lean on DH as I knew he was finding it just as hard as me.

In that scenario we were lucky in that we'd both reached out to a trusted friend for support. Only you know your DH and his motivations but if his friend is a good one and you think DH needed someone to speak to (and understandably didn't feel he could lean on you, when you were going through not only the emotional situation but also the physical one too) then I wouldn't jump to label this as a betrayal.

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