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AIBU?

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Original poster

Not getting a gift from SIL

172 replies

Dawnclark · 06/12/2019 00:56

So I may be being completely crazy here but I still feel a little put out.
My husband and I have taken in his older sister as she has lost yet another house share. I won't go into specifics. Its coming up to Christmas and this would have been our first as a newlywed couple. To add to this we have a baby due in March so this was really supposed to be something special.
Now coming from a family that is very festive I like to go big at Christmas and that means lots of gifts from everyone including santa. Plus I love to cook so oddly I actually look forward to cooking Christmas Dinner for the masses.
I have taken the time, effort and money to make sure my SIL feels fully included in the festivities and she knows this.
However, I have just been told that my husband and I are the only people NOT getting a gift to unwrap from her this Christmas. After making sure her stocking will be full and that Santa will leave lots for her to unwrap as well as adding a third wheel to my first married Christmas, is this insulting or is it me just being hormonal?

OP posts:
Crunched · 06/12/2019 00:59

Certainly sounds insulting. What is her reasoning for no present to you and her DB/your DH?

Yarboosucks · 06/12/2019 00:59

Why is she not getting you a present? Is it financial? Does it REALLY matter? Christmas gets built up so much that small matters get blown up out of all proportion, don't fall into that trap.

Just repeat, it is more important to give than to receive, suck it up and be the better person.

minesagin37 · 06/12/2019 01:01

You buy Santa gifts? Odd. Equally odd that she's living with you but not getting the pair of you a gift. Did she say that directly? Or are you speculating? If she doesn't I would think she's taking advantage of the pair of you. It's more likely you are just mistaken.

PurpleDaisies · 06/12/2019 01:03

Why is Santa leaving her a stocking? Confused

GertiMJN · 06/12/2019 01:05

Could you clarify if you are having a big family Christmas with lots of presnts being exchanged or a Christmas just the 3 of you as you describe your sil as a "3rd wheel".

And what did sil actually say about presents.

Leeds2 · 06/12/2019 01:06

Why isn't she getting you and DH a gift?

Personally, I don''t like gifts and would prefer not to buy, and receive, them. But I would certainly buy something for the people I was living with. Does she pay rent/make a contribution to household expenses?

I wouldn't give her the gifts you have bought. Take them back and get a refund, or give them to someone else.

zigzagbetty · 06/12/2019 01:08

Just dont buy her anything either, at least you know now and not finding out on the day

HeddaGarbled · 06/12/2019 01:09

You both are. It’s way OTT to do a stocking and “gifts from Santa” for an adult. It’s rude and ungrateful of her not to buy you and her brother a Christmas present when you’re doing her a massive favour.

Original poster
Dawnclark · 06/12/2019 01:14

This has come from my husband who she told this afternoon. He said it was because she has already got gifts for the rest of the family. He didn't want to dicuss it much more. Christmas will be just the 3 of us and we will all be visiting the rest of the family after the 25th.
Now obviously I'm not fussed about gifts really, it's more about the fact she has been such a prominent thought in my mind but myself and husband seem to have been an afterthought.

Also I'm sorry if I have not answered directly I'm very new to this.

OP posts:
TotalRecall · 06/12/2019 01:15

I’m completely fine with not receiving any gifts, as long as they don’t expect me to buy them any either.

At least you know now so you don’t have to get her anything.

GrumpyHoonMain · 06/12/2019 01:18

Don’t give her the gifts you bought.

MutedUser · 06/12/2019 01:22

You did not need to fill her a stocking from “Santa” so I’m not sure you can be upset she never bought u a present. You don’t give to receive .

KC225 · 06/12/2019 01:37

Has there been some history between the two of you? That seems particularly mean, given you are letting her stay at yours. Is there a massive back story are you charging her a huge rent?

Why didn't your DH sort it out there and then - instead of telling you, your DH should have said - there is almost three weeks to go - she has made a lot of effort and this will hurt her feelings. If the issue is financial he could have subbed her a tenner or twenty. A tenner gets you a book and a small box of chocolates.

You need to scale back your gifts to her - one gift from you and DH. Otherwise it's going to be really cringe if she is opening a pile of gifts and a stocking.

katewhinesalot · 06/12/2019 01:45

Does she pay rent?

Is she jealous?

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 06/12/2019 01:46

This has come from my husband who she told this afternoon. He said it was because she has already got gifts for the rest of the family.

Well that's easily solved then - she's in luck!! Christmas day is officially on the 25th December this year, so she still has more than two weeks to buy the remaining gifts that she needs, whether in shops or online - and I daresay significantly better ones than she's already bought for the others who haven't provided her with free accommodation in spite of already challenging circumstances.

cheesemongery · 06/12/2019 01:48

Do you think maybe it is a financial reason? We only buy for the children in our family, so anything wrapped up from an adult is a bonus! It doesn't sound like she is doing it out of choice, I suspect she'll probably feel mortified on the day at all the effort you have gone to and she hasn't gifted anything.

Could your husband have a word with her, brother to sister to see if that is a problem, and then maybe she could make a desert or something for the day.

I don't know, I just know what it is like to be penniless and receiving gifts when you don't have anything to gift yourself. It doesn't sound like she's just being greedy (I hope!)

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 06/12/2019 01:49

You need to scale back your gifts to her - one gift from you and DH. Otherwise it's going to be really cringe if she is opening a pile of gifts and a stocking.

That really depends on how entitled she might be. Often, if people already have the 'poor little me' attitude and are used to relying on others as if they were a small child, it often wouldn't occur to them that there was anything amiss about them receiving a big Santa sackful and the actual adults getting nothing.

JennyWoodentop · 06/12/2019 01:59

Is there a back story?

If she is living with you because she is completely broke then presumably you would know that & would not expect gifts from her but want her to save her money to get back on her feet & into her own place again.

If she is not broke, then given that you are doing a huge favour by letting her stay, even if she is contributing to costs - is she ? - then it seems extremely mean of her to not even bother with a bottle of wine or box of nice biscuits for you.

I would be looking at giving her a deadline to leave frankly. Personally I don't care about gifts, I would prefer not to bother, but the message she is giving by getting gifts for all the family except you two is very rude, ungrateful & unpleasant & I would not want someone like that living in my house. It's worse in that you're expectng a baby so could do without the extra work of having someone staying and also that she's intruding on your first Christmas as a married couple.

dalmatianmad · 06/12/2019 02:04

You're doing a big dinner for everyone? But then say it's just the 3 of you? Xmas Hmm

StoppinBy · 06/12/2019 02:27

The fact that she has gotten other family members presents and only left you two out speaks volumes to me about how much she appreciates what you are giving her (roof over her head). I am surprised your DH doesn't see it as an issue that needs addressing.

Bluerussian · 06/12/2019 02:28

She may just not have bought your gift yet, she says she's for other family members whom you will all see after Christmas and I think she will give something then (though she might give to you on the day as she'll be eating with you). I have a feeling your husband misunderstood.

Bluerussian · 06/12/2019 02:29

should be...she says she's bought for other family members....

KickAssAngel · 06/12/2019 02:33

Take her gifts back, or keep the ones you like for yourself.

On Christmas Eve pop a note under her door saying that you're sure she'll understand that you want this Christmas to be special for the two of you, so she can stay in her room if she hasn't arranged to go out.

OK - that's mean. But she's being very rude. A gift to say thank you for housing her is the absolute least she should be doing.

Astella22 · 06/12/2019 02:40

Maybe your DH told her not to bother with presents. Why does he not want to discuss it? Something sounds off here

LagunaBubbles · 06/12/2019 02:48

Just repeat, it is more important to give than to receive, suck it up and be the better person

Ah yes the good old "be the better person" advice. Which generally leads to resentment and letting people walk all over you.