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Not getting a gift from SIL

172 replies

Dawnclark · 06/12/2019 00:56

So I may be being completely crazy here but I still feel a little put out.
My husband and I have taken in his older sister as she has lost yet another house share. I won't go into specifics. Its coming up to Christmas and this would have been our first as a newlywed couple. To add to this we have a baby due in March so this was really supposed to be something special.
Now coming from a family that is very festive I like to go big at Christmas and that means lots of gifts from everyone including santa. Plus I love to cook so oddly I actually look forward to cooking Christmas Dinner for the masses.
I have taken the time, effort and money to make sure my SIL feels fully included in the festivities and she knows this.
However, I have just been told that my husband and I are the only people NOT getting a gift to unwrap from her this Christmas. After making sure her stocking will be full and that Santa will leave lots for her to unwrap as well as adding a third wheel to my first married Christmas, is this insulting or is it me just being hormonal?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


You have one vote. All votes are anonymous.

Courtney555 · 06/12/2019 07:30

DH has told her not to bother (probably realised she's strapped for cash) and doesn't want to admit it.

fedup21 · 06/12/2019 07:38

I’m presuming she isn’t very keen on you or the whole living situation if she’s buying presents for everyone else but not you two.

The shops are still open for another 3 weeks so she would have plenty of time to get gifts but is clearly making a point. I would want to find out what that point is.

If it’s just the 3 of you in Xmas day (I thought you were going to say you had a houseful!)-I wouldn’t be doing her a stocking at all. She’s a grown woman and you’re not her mum!

Buy her one small present and try to get to the bottom of what her gripe is with you.

KaptainKaveman · 06/12/2019 07:42

Why will 'her stocking be full' ? she's an adult !

My DB is like this: spends huge sums of money over-buying for everyone and leaves everyone else perpetually embarrassed that they have 'only' bought one or two gifts for him.

SunniDay · 06/12/2019 07:43


"Don’t rise above shit.
Stop making her feel comfortable.
She’s a grown ass woman.
Ask her when she’s leaving."

Let's hope you never get made homeless just before Christmas then.

Reminds me of a certain Christmas story - you might have heard it?

LEELULUMPKIN · 06/12/2019 07:44

Even if I wasn't related to the person who had kindly helped me out with a roof over my head, the very least I would do is get a small token of appreciation.

She is being a cow.

eddielizzard · 06/12/2019 07:45

Well she's not being very good is she? So Santa may have to fly straight past her stocking this year.

msflibble · 06/12/2019 07:50

YANBU. This is crazy. It's clear she takes your support for granted. It's now awkward because it would feel a bit juvenile to demand a gift from her but I'm shocked that a person could be so unappreciative and thoughtless. If I were in her position you two would be first on the xmas list!

Beautiful3 · 06/12/2019 07:53

Christmas isn't about gifts of monetary value, it's spending time with family. I would return her presents or regift them, she doesnt need a stocking filled by santa. Just enjoy dinner and each others company. Perhaps buy a game to enjoy together afterwards?

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 06/12/2019 07:54

Just ask her straight-if she says no then just don’t give her yours-keep them/regift/sell or take back!

TimeForNewStart · 06/12/2019 08:10

Talk to her about it. Definitely do not give her a load of gifts then act the martyr when she doesn’t reciprocate.

phoenixrosehere · 06/12/2019 08:10

Going against the grain here, but I think yabu and should ask your sil what’s going on.

You choose to go overboard for Christmas, fair enough, but you’re here complaining weeks before Christmas that she hasn’t or may not get you and your husband
a present knowing she has lost out on a home share and is staying with you temporarily so she can move out. She is not exactly in a great place.

I may not be that fussed about Christmas, but I wouldn’t expect someone who is obviously struggling to get me a gift whether they are staying with me or not. As another poster has said she may had bought the others gifts before money became tight.

If she is not helping out or doing her share, that’s one thing, but if she is, you’re expecting her to spend money she may not have so you and her brother (who obviously can afford to ) can receive presents? If she just got you something under £10 or £5, would you be satisfied or would you be annoyed? Christmas isn’t just about presents.

pinkdelight · 06/12/2019 08:11

You're looking forward to cooking Christmas Dinner for the masses.... of three people? Makes me think this big haul of gifts you've got for her mightn't be so vast after all. Honestly OP, if you love Christmas so much, you're doing all this because you want to, not because SIL requires any of it. She could go to family to give them their gifts on Xmas day and you could cook for th masses of both of you instead.

SourAndSnippy · 06/12/2019 08:13

All sounds a bit weird.

The bit that sounded especially odd was
I have taken the time, effort and money to make sure my SIL feels fully included in the festivities and she knows this It’s only the 6th December what on earth are you saying and doing to make her feel fully included. It’s seems very full on. Maybe she isn’t in to Xmas.
She might not want to be swamped with Xmas presents from you and ‘Santa’
All sounds OTT and odd.

RhiWrites · 06/12/2019 08:20

After making sure her stocking will be full and that Santa will leave lots for her to unwrap

Dial it back. She’s an adult, she doesn’t need a stocking Santa presents, and you will only resent her more of you go all out for someone who gets you nothing. Give her one small present if you must and save or donate or return the rest.

NewName73 · 06/12/2019 08:28

Op, if she did give you a "gift to unwrap" - and wtf does that mean, is she giving you something or not? - you would probably think it isn't good enough.

Just remember Christmas is supposed to be a time of goodwill to all ...

Horehound · 06/12/2019 08:29

I just wouldn't give her so many gifts. Just give her one and not go to any extra effort for her in future.

PurpleDaisies · 06/12/2019 08:47

This is a really odd situation. How much extra effort is it to include one person in Christmas dinner? Why are you buying lots for her to unwrap? She’s a relative, not a child. Confused

Pinkyyy · 06/12/2019 08:49

Sounds to me like you give to receive. If you don't want her there then you should have said something. Also why are you doing a stocking from 'santa' for a grown woman?

fedup21 · 06/12/2019 08:50

I actually look forward to cooking Christmas Dinner for the masses.

Hardly the masses though, is it?!

I can’t imagine getting up on Christmas morning and doing stockings for me, DH and his sister!!

I think your DH and his sister are not quite as into Christmas as you

CeCeLaine66 · 06/12/2019 08:53

This all sounds a bit odd.
Why are you still doing ‘santa’ for the adults?
Who are the masses you are cooking for if there are only 3 of you?
Dhs explanation does not make sense, what is the real reason she’s not buying you a present?

Is there a back story here that you’ve not mentioned?

PurpleDaisies · 06/12/2019 08:54

To add to this we have a baby due in March so this was really supposed to be something special.

What would you actually have done differently?

BlouseAndSkirt · 06/12/2019 08:55

Oh just give her the gifts you have, in the spirit of Christmas.

It might shame her.

But it won’t make you feel better about your real resentment over her being there.

You say you like a crowd and cooking for the masses etc so I’m not quite sure why you don’t want her there. Though it is wearing having house guests for extended periods.

Make sure you have some time to yourselves. We have always done presents between us first thing, in bed with a cup if coffee.

sonjadog · 06/12/2019 09:01

My guess is she confided in her brother that she doesn't have much money at the moment and is finding buying presents difficult to finance and her brother told her not to bother about the two of you. Which is exactly what a kind and thoughtful person should say in this circumstance.

Cut back on the masses of presents as that will just make her feel crap. Don't make her a Santa stocking because she is not a small child. Give her one or two nice presents from the two of you and then forget about it.

LakieLady · 06/12/2019 09:04

Chirstmas should be about giving, not receiving imo.

You've bought her gifts, give them to her and do it graciously.

This expectation of reciprocity and "I bought X a cashmere sweater and all they got me was a pair of socks and a tin of Quality Street" gets right on my tits, frankly.

And if it turns out that DH has told her not to bother because she's skint or whatever, think yourself lucky that you married such a decent and sensible man.

IamtheDevilsAvocado · 06/12/2019 09:12

Really bad manners... If this is the case... Rather than yout partner shape shifting... 'No you're skint please don't buy for us..' . And it's got lost in translation....

Of all the family YOU are the family she should be buying for.... As you've rescued her and put her up.

Giving her bed and board is present enough tell her this.... And take all her gifts back... /re gift them.

I've come across these people before... Utterly miserly about gifts both emotionally and physically but have no issue accepting lovely gifts.

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