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AIBU?

Not getting a gift from SIL

172 replies

Dawnclark · 06/12/2019 00:56

So I may be being completely crazy here but I still feel a little put out.
My husband and I have taken in his older sister as she has lost yet another house share. I won't go into specifics. Its coming up to Christmas and this would have been our first as a newlywed couple. To add to this we have a baby due in March so this was really supposed to be something special.
Now coming from a family that is very festive I like to go big at Christmas and that means lots of gifts from everyone including santa. Plus I love to cook so oddly I actually look forward to cooking Christmas Dinner for the masses.
I have taken the time, effort and money to make sure my SIL feels fully included in the festivities and she knows this.
However, I have just been told that my husband and I are the only people NOT getting a gift to unwrap from her this Christmas. After making sure her stocking will be full and that Santa will leave lots for her to unwrap as well as adding a third wheel to my first married Christmas, is this insulting or is it me just being hormonal?

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Am I being unreasonable?

AIBU

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ShetlandWife · 06/12/2019 09:18

So you'll be cooking for the masses, which is just the three of you?

Did you forget your own story, op?

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Marmablade · 06/12/2019 09:20

What ^ IamtheDevilsAvocado said

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Cryalot2 · 06/12/2019 09:20

I can see both sides, but it depends
What age is she?
What does she contribute for her stay.?
How bad are things with her and is she making any effort to help herself ?
Perhaps she is not into Christmas.
You need a chat with both her and yòur dh
Maybe time for her to move along .

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MummyofTw0 · 06/12/2019 09:22

I'd personally not give her anything

She's very ungrateful

Even if she didn't have much money she could make you something

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Celebelly · 06/12/2019 09:24

Yeah without knowing what your husband actually said... We tell BiL not to buy us presents as he's a bit younger and always between jobs and short of money, so we would rather he didn't get us gifts. We still buy for him as we are able to do so without any financial hardship, and neither me or DP begrudge it. Perhaps she was fretting about money and your husband told her not to worry about gifts?

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pinkyredrose · 06/12/2019 09:26

Why did she have to move in with you?

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CoraPirbright · 06/12/2019 09:28

Of all the family YOU are the family she should be buying for.... As you've rescued her and put her up.

Absolutely agree with Avocado ^^

She is rude. A small box of chocolates or a nice bar of soap doesnt cost much and would show that she is grateful to you for putting her up.

She has lost “yet another house share” - what does that mean? Is she bad at managing money? Difficult to live with? Always the victim or simply unlucky?

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AtrociousCircumstance · 06/12/2019 09:31

Don’t give her the gifts.

Mention casually, “DH heard you don’t want to do gifts this year - good idea!”

When’s she moving out? Waaaaay before March or you’re a complete doormat who prioritises others over your own child.

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Lizzie0869 · 06/12/2019 09:49

In our family this year, we've agreed that there will only be presents for the children. That makes things much easier. However, if I was being put up for a few weeks, I would definitely give my hosts a present, not doing so is the epitome of being selfish and entitled. It's hardly a hardship to buy a box of Belgian chocolates or Miniature Heroes, after all.

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PurpleDaisies · 06/12/2019 09:51

If she isn’t usually unaware of basic social politeness, I would question your brother’s story. I wonder if he’s insisted no presents because she’s in a tight spot. It’s such a bizarre thing to do that unless there’s history, I’d think there was more to this.

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SpongeBobJudgeyPants · 06/12/2019 09:54

Some of the these responses are a bit mean. Yes she should get you a gift, even if it's cheap as chips 🍟. So long as it's thoughtfully chosen. Anything else would just be her being ungrateful and taking you for granted.

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PurpleDaisies · 06/12/2019 09:57

It’s quite hard to do a thoughtfully chosen, cheek gift when you’re down on your arse and living with your brother because you’ve got nowhere else to go. I’d be telling my sister not to buy a present. I can’t imagine she’d announce she wasn’t buying for me. That’s why I think the brother has said something.

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FraglesRock · 06/12/2019 10:00

I'd keep an nag present for her and give the rest to a women's refuge.

I hope she's paying you rent and it has an end date.

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PurpleDaisies · 06/12/2019 10:01

I hope she's paying you rent and it has an end date.

That seems really mean. Do people really treat siblings like that?

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Lizzie0869 · 06/12/2019 10:04

I always think that if you're a guest in a friend's/family member's house, it's the height of bad manners not to buy a gift as a token of appreciation, even if it's NOT Christmas. It's so easy to buy a bottle of wine/chocolates/flowers. You can buy these at any local Tesco Express and they're very cheap.

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FraglesRock · 06/12/2019 10:30

If this isn't the first time she's been thrown out of a house share then it looks like she'd be looking for a cushy family member.
And yes an end date, if I'm having my first baby then I'd like my house guest to leave before.

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tikitent · 06/12/2019 10:46

I would tell her not to buy you a gift as she'll be needing it for a flat deposit before the baby comes.

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AfterSchoolWorry · 06/12/2019 10:50

She sounds like a using freeloader.

Is that why she keeps losing the house shares?

If so, what did you expect?

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Dawnclark · 06/12/2019 10:55

So SIL works full time and she does pay us 300 a month rent but this includes pretty much all bills and shopping as I do 80-90% of it. SIL will buy the odd bit of bread and milk here and there and maybe put a tenner on gas every now and then.
She was kicked out of her last 3 house shares because she is not easy to live with. So much so her own parents didn't want to put her up.
I obviously didn't want her paying out for hotels or sofa surfing over the winter so we told her to come here.
To clarify I am only cooking for three but am used to cooking for a large group at Xmas so her being there for the actual day doesn't cause that much hassle
DH is not one for confrontation or awkward family situations so would rather 'see how it plays out' than cause issues.
I think after reading all of the comments that I do need to accept that it was my choice to include her for Christmas and shouldn't expect her to put in the same effort as I am. However I am still kinda feeling like a last thought.

OP posts:

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MinervaSaidThat · 06/12/2019 10:57

OP, you need to put a deadline on her moving out or she is going to get VERY cosy.

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TellMeWhoTheVilliansAre · 06/12/2019 10:59

You say you have spent a lot of time and money. You mention lots of presents to unwrap, a full stocking etc. Why would you do this for someone who is obviously short on money? It puts pressure on them that they don't need. Someone abkve mentioned giving her all the gifts to "shame her"... Really? Why would anyone deliberately try to belittle anyone at a time that is supposed to be filled with love, happiness etc.

If you like making a huge fuss at Christmas by cooking for the masses the 3 of you and gift giving etc, then that's great for you. But you're so busy planning this extravagant event that you are losing sight of the people who you will be sharing it with.

Your first post was quite telling when you mentioned getting presents from everyone. Rather than giving presents too people.

It sounds like want the picture perfect Christmas to boast about to family and friends. How amazing you are, how amazing all the gifts you received are etc.

I'd say your SIL feels very pressured and upset, especially if you've been letting her know how much time and money you've spent on gifts for her.

You've gone completely over the top. No adult needs loads to unwrap and a full stocking ffs. Your SIL probably mentioned to her brother that she has no idea what to get for you to compare and he told her not to bother.

Dial back your Christmas for the masses. You're pissed off that it's not reciprocated and the people around you are pissed off that they are pressures into conforming to your expectation.

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kjhkj · 06/12/2019 11:03

Just don't give her the gifts you've bought for her and say you agree its a good idea not to do presents for each other given that shes saving for a new place and you have had the extra cost of her being there and have a baby on the way.

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OneDay10 · 06/12/2019 11:07

I would say after the christmas period you both need to give her a deadline on moving out.
If 3 house shares and her own parents not wanting to deal with her, then why are you the mug that has to settle for this?

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BlouseAndSkirt · 06/12/2019 11:20

Yes to deadline for moving out, I would say mid Jan and make that clear now so that she can get geared up and make sure she saves a deposit from her Dec salary.

Be direct: baby coming, time to get baby’s room ready, you to have time on maternity leave. There is no possibility of an extension.

No need to be nasty / vengeful, just clear and businesslike.

Just forget about the whole present issue in your mind. You knew she was difficult, you took a decision to put her up (why did you think you could do this with less upset than her own parents?), she pays rent, use this as a learning opportunity about boundaries in future.

Sounds like she would be better in a studio flat / bed sit.

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NotSuchASmugMarriedNow1 · 06/12/2019 11:27

Ergh! How embarrassing for her not to buy gifts for the people she's staying with at Christmas. Who dragged her up?

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