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Not getting a gift from SIL

172 replies

Dawnclark · 06/12/2019 00:56

So I may be being completely crazy here but I still feel a little put out.
My husband and I have taken in his older sister as she has lost yet another house share. I won't go into specifics. Its coming up to Christmas and this would have been our first as a newlywed couple. To add to this we have a baby due in March so this was really supposed to be something special.
Now coming from a family that is very festive I like to go big at Christmas and that means lots of gifts from everyone including santa. Plus I love to cook so oddly I actually look forward to cooking Christmas Dinner for the masses.
I have taken the time, effort and money to make sure my SIL feels fully included in the festivities and she knows this.
However, I have just been told that my husband and I are the only people NOT getting a gift to unwrap from her this Christmas. After making sure her stocking will be full and that Santa will leave lots for her to unwrap as well as adding a third wheel to my first married Christmas, is this insulting or is it me just being hormonal?

OP posts:

Am I being unreasonable?


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IHateBlueLights · 06/12/2019 06:20

Don't give her the presents. If she isn't paying rent then start charging and get her out ASAP. She's taking the piss.

And your DH needs to step up and tell her she's taking the piss.

notnowmaybelater · 06/12/2019 06:28

Did she actually say to your DH:

I've bought presents for mum, dad, sister Sue and brother Bob, great aunt Gwen and cousin Kurt, Bob's wife and their little daughter and Sue's dog Fido, but I'm specifically not buying Dawnclark and you, my brother, husband of Dawnclark, whom I have moved in with over Christmas, anything because I have now finished shopping?

Is that really what happened?

Or did your DH say to her not to bother with presents as she's in debt/ struggling with money and he'd rather she saved up a new rental deposit asap and she replied that that was kind but she couldn't not get other family members anything as they haven't made the same offer, so hoped it wouldn't be awkward if you were the only ones not getting anything?

LotteLupin · 06/12/2019 06:30

Sounds like a weird explanation from your husband. Did he maybe tell her not to feel she must, as has no money??

MinervaSaidThat · 06/12/2019 06:31

What a bitch. She needs to leave, DH should tell her to go to parents.

AlwaysCheddar · 06/12/2019 06:31

Take back her gifts, give her a moving out date instead. Let her stay somewhere else as she’s not appreciative. But getting gifts from Santa is odd when you don’t have kids....

Aridane · 06/12/2019 06:35

Even if it weren't Christmas she should be getting you a gift!

zen1 · 06/12/2019 06:37

The whole thing sounds weird.

Hanab · 06/12/2019 06:40

Long shot ... Did your hubby take her gift shopping for everyone else perhaps? As in did he pay for it all? I just find this totally weird as she is staying with you! You should be given priority over everyone else🤷🏻‍♀️

I would be hinting not so subtly she needs to move out..

BasiliskStare · 06/12/2019 06:43

See how it works out - if on Christmas day she gives you a nice bottle of wine ( for example ) to go with the meal - I would count that as a result. Better than unwrapping stuff which will go in a cupboard and eventually binned / charity shop.

Other than that - forget it is Christmas - it's two or three days - is she a nice houseguest , is she helpful around the place - that to me is the real point

Apolloanddaphne · 06/12/2019 06:43

Seems very odd, not to mention, mean, to not buy gifts for people who have taken you in and who you are spending Christmas Day with.

IdiotInDisguise · 06/12/2019 06:59

She may be trying to tell you not to spend money on her because she can hardly reciprocate.

On our first Christmas together, my boyfriend got me mostly everything I pointed to say “I like that” during the year, all very thoughtful presents that showed he really cared and was paying attention, probably worth about £500. I was mortified... I had only got him a book and pyjamas, but that was incidentally, all what I could afford.

He obviously comes from a family where making a big fuss and spending lots of money is the norm, but as much as you like to do this, you need to ensure you are not forcing people into your “kind of Christmas” inadvertently.

AG29 · 06/12/2019 07:01

You and your hubby took her in but are the only two people not getting a present from her? Very insulting. If she had no money to buy anyone a present I wouldn’t mind but if it’s just you and hubby? That’s just odd.

puds11 · 06/12/2019 07:03

@KC225 sure, yeah it’s not about the presents. Why mention them then?

If this isn’t a drip feed I’ll faint.

JourneyToThePlacentaOfTheEarth · 06/12/2019 07:06

Take all her presents back to the shop.

Aria2015 · 06/12/2019 07:06

I'd scale back her gifts to something small so she has something to unwrap. I'm assuming she's an adult and you've shown her kindness taking her in. The least she could do would be to show some appreciation and give you both something even if it was cinema tickets so you and your dh could have a date night. It's not about money or an actual gift but more about using Christmas as a way of showing she appreciates you both. You'll feel worse if you give her loads and get nothing back so as I said, scale back her gifts and either keep some for yourself or keep them back to give someone else for birthdays etc...

TidyDancer · 06/12/2019 07:08

I would hold back the presents in case this is some kind of weird double bluff but if she produces nothing on the day then she gets nothing from you. This isn't about the presents themselves, it's her attitude.

Soontobe60 · 06/12/2019 07:12

Here's what I think. You've already made it obvious to her that you've bought her many gifts. She's panicked and told her brother that she's no money left to buy any more, and he's told her not to worry. He's then told you she's bought for others but won't be buying for you two -because he's told her not to.
Personally I wouldn't give her all the gifts you've bought her because, if my explanation is correct, she will be mortified at you spending so much on her whilst she's not able to buy you anything.
Just not giving them to her because you're annoyed at her is mean and petty, and makes you look very childish.
You need to speak to your DH again to get him to clarify what actually was said. Did she say she's no money left to buy you gifts and he's told her not to worry?

billybagpuss · 06/12/2019 07:17

The words used are ‘not getting a gift to unwrap’

Are you sure he means ‘no gift at all’

Maybe is something not physical that she’s got you like an experience, or arranged a birthing pool or something. Could your DH have got the wrong end of the stick?

SunniDay · 06/12/2019 07:18

Hi OP,
I think you need to rise above any pettiness and see keeping the spirit of Christmas as your challenge here.

Your husband's sister has lost a house share and had to move in with her brother. She probably isn't in a great place mentally. You on the other hand are going to enjoy Xmas with your partner and look forward to your baby. You have the head space to be "festive". She may not. You need to be charitable of heart and mind this year (and not just of gifts). Rise above anything she throws at you. Do your best to all have a great Christmas and then in the new year you can offer her emotional support to move on with her life (and out of your home!)

Happy Christmas!

20viona · 06/12/2019 07:21

She's a rude cow. Give her an empty plate at Xmas dinner!

7yo7yo · 06/12/2019 07:22

Don’t rise above shit.
Stop making her feel comfortable.
She’s a grown ass woman.
Ask her when she’s leaving.

Cherrysoup · 06/12/2019 07:23

I’d be directing her presents elsewhere. Is she broke?

thebadcop · 06/12/2019 07:25

and I thought Christmas was about giving.

you sound about 12 OP. Pressies from Santa when there are only adults in the house. Good grief Xmas Shock

Pateontheback · 06/12/2019 07:26

I find it weird that adults get so worked up over presents. Who cares.
This . And no I’m not the sil .
I just don’t understand all the angst amongst adults over gifts, and from Santa !
Just give the gifts you’ve bought for her to yourself

Letthemysterybe · 06/12/2019 07:30

I tend to think the best of people. So what imagine happened is that your husband had a talk with her about money/living situation/being a responsible adult and the result was not to spend any more money on Christmas so that she can save for deposit/bills. Things obviously aren’t going great for her if she’s having to live with your but you are much more fortunate -married with a child on the way, your own home etc. I’d try to remember at Christmas how lucky you are and still try and retain your generous spirit. I’m sure she will be very aware that she is a third wheel, and will appreciate the efforts that you go to to make her feel included.

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