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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He's made me wait 3 years for 2nd baby

114 replies

Lgp11 · 23/08/2019 17:28

My little boy is now 4 and starts school in September. I discussed baby number 2 with my fiance 3 years ago and he wanted to wait a bit longer. Until our LB was in school he said and we stop paying childcare.

12 months ago I brought it up again as I thought by the time the baby came and I went back to work my LB would be in school. He asked me to wait 12 months again.

Its now 12 months and he is again using the excuse that he thinks we can't afford childcare... We can! I'm going for a promotion in work and started saving this month in preparation... I'm doing my bit because I want this and I have done what he asked... Waited.
If he thinks we can't afford childcare full time for baby 2...what is he going to do about it?!?
I honestly feel like he doesn't care about me! Why is it all on his terms!
It's hard to explain to a man how it feels to have that urge for a baby! He asks me why I cry!

Am I being selfish?

OP posts:
TheRealShatParp · 23/08/2019 17:31

Sounds like he’s been fobbing you off. It’s time he is honest with you.

SleepingStandingUp · 23/08/2019 17:32

I think the biggest issue is his dishonesty. If he doesn't want a baby he needs to tell you so you can make an informed choice. Telling you every year "maybe next year l" is cruel.
I'd trying sitting down calmly and explaining the above, and that you'd rather just a straight answer if he doesn't want more.
How old are you?

EmrysAtticus · 23/08/2019 17:34

He has every right not to want a second but he needs to tell you this and not just string you along as that is cruel and dishonest.

Original poster
Lgp11 · 23/08/2019 17:39

I'm 31 this year.

He just keeps saying to me are you happy putting a 9 month old in full time nursery and paying £600 a month.

I keep saying I don't know that's what we are going to do. I can't plan for 18months away. You can't plan a baby like that otherwise it will never happen.

OP posts:
Purpleartichoke · 23/08/2019 17:39

You haven’t even gotten married yet. Pushing for a second seems odd in that circumstance.

SnuggyBuggy · 23/08/2019 17:42

It sounds like he doesn't want a 2nd but hasn't got the guts to tell you

Windygate · 23/08/2019 17:43

I'm sorry but he doesn't want another baby with you. You have every right to be angry with him for not being honest but you can't force him in to having another child. Time for an honest chat and some difficult decisions.

GladAllOver · 23/08/2019 17:44

I'd wait until I knew whether he wanted to marry me before having another child. But then I would have wanted to know before having the first.
Are you actually planning to marry or is the fiancé bit just to keep you quiet?
Sorry if that sounds harsh, but he doesn't sound committed.

Kungfupanda67 · 23/08/2019 17:44

@Purpleartichoke what’s that got to do with planning a second? Maybe age gap is more important, maybe they’ve booked the wedding and it’s next week, maybe they only got engaged yesterday. Completely irrelevant either way

Conniedescending · 23/08/2019 17:45

It does sound like he's fobbing you off if you genuinely know you can afford childcare?

AnAC12UCOinanOCG · 23/08/2019 17:46

Why does it have to be on YOUR terms?

If you want a baby so badly what are YOU doing about the financial situation?

Please don't cry at him because you aren't getting what you want. He's giving sensible and logical reasons to wait and emotional blackmail isn't pretty.

TeachesOfPeaches · 23/08/2019 17:47

Where do you live where full time nursery is £600pm for a baby?

SarahSinclair · 23/08/2019 17:51

I'm going for a promotion in work and started saving this month in preparation... I'm doing my bit because I want this and I have done what he asked... Waited

@AnAC12UCOinanOCG

Does the above statement help you with your answer?

Original poster
Lgp11 · 23/08/2019 17:52

He proposed after baby 1 and it is our decision to wait until after baby 2. My LB will be there to celebrate the day and so I want baby 2 there too, on the pictures and not missing out. That's the way we want to do it.

I don't conform to other people's opinion of 'normal' regarding marriage and children.

OP posts:
Ginger1982 · 23/08/2019 17:53

You're only 31 so still plenty of time to hopefully conceive. You need to sit down with him and have an open and frank discussion. Maybe he just doesn't want any more kids but if that's true then he needs to be honest with you.

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 23/08/2019 17:56

You need a better convo with him. Is this waiting or has he changed his mind. Does he only want one? If so, what do you think of that. You can’t compromise on having a child - it’s a do or don’t think.

Cleopatrai · 23/08/2019 17:56

Honestly, having a child with someone who doesn’t really want to is a big mistake. They won’t be in it 100 percent. If you split, they’ll happily become a part time dad and not be too invested. The person who doesn’t want to trumps the person who does.

Having a chat might make him realise he wants to but if you sense he’s only doing it to please you ... red flag.

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 23/08/2019 17:56

*thing

LittleFairywren · 23/08/2019 17:56

He proposed after baby 1 and it is our decision to wait until after baby 2. My LB will be there to celebrate the day and so I want baby 2 there too, on the pictures and not missing out. That's the way we want to do it.

Except that he doesn't seem to want another baby.

BackOnceAgainWithABurnerEmail · 23/08/2019 17:56

V much agree with Cleopatrai

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 23/08/2019 17:57

Why does it have to be on YOUR terms

He shouldn’t have to give into your wants to prove he cares. That’s not a healthy relationship whatsoever. He has valid reasons for not currently wanting another and no child should be born where one parent was pressured into it as unfair on the parent and child.

WombOfOnesOwn · 23/08/2019 17:57

Ah, so baby #2 also means getting married afterward?

This "mutual decision" to wait to get married until after a second baby was seen by him as "I can avoid commitment forever as long as we don't conceive again."

This man will not be with you in 10 years. count on it.

CoastalWave · 23/08/2019 17:58

He's fobbing you off. My fiancé '(now ex!!!) did this for about 7 years. There will never be a right time.

Tbh sounds to me like he isn't committing at all and he's keeping his options open.

Looking at his from his viewpoint too, he sounds happy with just one. Two is a LOT harder. Leaving a massive age gap like you have means going back to square one. He doesn't sound like he wants that at all.

You're going to have to decide whether your family unit as you have now is more important than pestering for another baby.

timshelthechoice · 23/08/2019 17:58

He's been stringing you along. He likes his life with just the one. He has unlimited fertility. You do not. He will continue to fob you off. Should have made him come clean 3 years ago. Stop wasting time crying. He doesn't want another baby with you.

Nomoremilk · 23/08/2019 17:58

He proposed after baby 1 and it is our decision to wait until after baby 2. My LB will be there to celebrate the day and so I want baby 2 there too, on the pictures and not missing out. That's the way we want to do it
Baby 2 who doesn't and might not ever exist?