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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

He's made me wait 3 years for 2nd baby

114 replies

Lgp11 · 23/08/2019 17:28

My little boy is now 4 and starts school in September. I discussed baby number 2 with my fiance 3 years ago and he wanted to wait a bit longer. Until our LB was in school he said and we stop paying childcare.

12 months ago I brought it up again as I thought by the time the baby came and I went back to work my LB would be in school. He asked me to wait 12 months again.

Its now 12 months and he is again using the excuse that he thinks we can't afford childcare... We can! I'm going for a promotion in work and started saving this month in preparation... I'm doing my bit because I want this and I have done what he asked... Waited.
If he thinks we can't afford childcare full time for baby 2...what is he going to do about it?!?
I honestly feel like he doesn't care about me! Why is it all on his terms!
It's hard to explain to a man how it feels to have that urge for a baby! He asks me why I cry!

Am I being selfish?

OP posts:
CoastalWave · 23/08/2019 17:59

oh and echo the poster above mine. He realises that is baby 2 comes he's going to have to marry you. He doesn't want to.

Viebienremplie · 23/08/2019 17:59

So he wants to get married after a baby that he hasn’t agreed to have yet? This comes across as flaky, I agree with pp, time to have a very honest chat

Shoxfordian · 23/08/2019 18:00

He wants to marry you when you have another baby that he doesn't want. Doesn't seem very committed

Original poster
Lgp11 · 23/08/2019 18:02

I do feel very secure and loved in my relationship. I do not doubt his commitment at all.

I agree with the first comments. I'm hurt about his dishonesty.

I now just need to decide what I want to do.

Has anyone else gone through this and have you had a baby or still waiting?

OP posts:
MrsApplepants · 23/08/2019 18:03

I don’t think he wants baby number 2. If he did, you’d have had it by now. Sorry.

hammeringinmyhead · 23/08/2019 18:03

I don't get it. Didn't you pay childcare for your child when he was a baby? Why could you afford it then and not now in his opinion?

Starfish28 · 23/08/2019 18:09

I agree with others saying he doesn’t seem to want another baby. So you have decide what is your red time? Are you okay with just one child? But it is obviously time for a heart to heart about his illogical arguments against another baby and get to the bottom of his misgivings.

Alsohuman · 23/08/2019 18:11

@AnAC12UCOinanOCG, the OP states quite clearly the financial provision she’s already making. Maybe read the post properly before you start being nasty.

timshelthechoice · 23/08/2019 18:13

Waiting for a baby is a decision on your part to potentially end up with only one. He's lied to you and strung you along and fobbed you off, you have fallen for it. He continues to do so, he doesn't care if you cry, he knows damn well that you do, it's not as important as what he wants - which is to carry on as you are until he decides it no longer suits him. He doesn't want to get married to you or have a second child with you. All of his actions demonstrate this so that is the bottom line.

ElleDubloo · 23/08/2019 18:15

What does marriage mean to you, OP? I can’t understand why you’d delay a marriage so that your second baby (who isn’t conceived yet) could be in the photos.

BlueBilledBeatboxingBird · 23/08/2019 18:15

I’m sorry, OP. It doesn’t sound like he wants a second child. It’s time for some very frank conversations and potentially some difficult decisions.

timshelthechoice · 23/08/2019 18:16

I was once married to a man who indeed loved me. He never wanted any children and in truth when we married we were both very young and children didn't come up. But here's how I know he loved me: when it came to having a serious discussion about having kids, he was truthful with me, knowing it meant I may well leave him (which I did). See the difference?

TSSDNCOP · 23/08/2019 18:17

I don't conform to other people's opinion of 'normal' regarding marriage and children.

The problem is you have confirmed to your boyfriend's. He's running the table with absolutely no real incentive to change.

Unless you can persuade him that leaves you with two choices. Stay or go.

marriedwithhounds · 23/08/2019 18:19

I don't understand why some posters are being so mean spirited about it... there's a difference between straight talking and just lacking compassion.

OP my advice would be to schedule a time with no distractions (get a babysitter) when you and your partner can sit down together and go through this. Go through finances together so they you don't have preconceived arguments that are 'ready' on either side. It shouldn't be approached as an argument where one person tries to get the upper hand.

Hopefully he will be honest about his feelings and you'll be able to move forward in a way you're both happy with.

Ilikethisone · 23/08/2019 18:22

I do feel very secure and loved in my relationship

In your op you said you feel he doesnt care about you.

So either you are that desperate for baby no. 2, you are sinking to emotional manipulation (if you cared about me you would have a baby).

Or you are that desperate for baby no. 2, you are ignoring the glaringly obvious fact that he doesnt want a 2nd child. Probably doesnt want to get married either.

HeadintheiClouds · 23/08/2019 18:24

I’m sorry to say it sounds like he really doesn’t want to get married, op. Neither does he particularly want dc2, although who knows if it would be different if he didn’t see it as being the gateway to marriage?
Who knows.

SirJamesTalbotAndHisSpeculum · 23/08/2019 18:28

You need to get the marriage out of the way, OP, before you have a second baby.

It's really important to have the legal protection of marriage when you have DC.

It's nothing to do with cultural/societal norms.

YouJustDoYou · 23/08/2019 18:30

Well, he's allowed to not want another child - however, not actually TELLING you this, and rather fobbing you off, is a different matter.

thetwinkles · 23/08/2019 18:31

If you want your children to remember your marriage you'll have to wait until your youngest (yet to be here) is about 7. Even then it'll be sketchy. Marriage is about you and your partner don't wait.

WorraLiberty · 23/08/2019 18:34

He doesn't sound as though he wants another baby

And if the marriage is to come after another baby, then it's pretty clear he doesn't want that either.

Or at least that's how it's coming across.

AlexaAmbidextra · 23/08/2019 18:36

Completely irrelevant either way.

Marriage isn’t irrelevant. As we see so often on here, women having children without the security of marriage can be very vulnerable when it all goes wrong. They have no rights at all.

rubyroot · 23/08/2019 18:44

Ugh I hate spunk witholders

sounfairso · 23/08/2019 18:48

@AnAC12UCOinanOCG but it's ok for the OH to string her along? How is she emotionally blackmailing him? She's got a promotion and has a plan.

@Purpleartichoke what an odd comment, what's the relevance?

@Lgp11 I'd be giving him a bloody ultimatum about not being strung along. His dare he treat you like that!

Bluthbanana · 23/08/2019 18:53

Ugh I hate spunk witholders Gross.

There's nothing wrong with a man deciding that he doesn't want to father a child/any more children. What isn't on is the lack of honesty between that man and his partner.

HeadintheiClouds · 23/08/2019 18:53

Spunk withholders?? 🤢 🤢🤢 It seems he doesn’t want another child, which is totally his choice. He absolutely should be honest and upfront about his choice, but “spunk withholder” is ridiculously glib (and grim).