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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He's made me wait 3 years for 2nd baby

114 replies

Lgp11 · 23/08/2019 17:28

My little boy is now 4 and starts school in September. I discussed baby number 2 with my fiance 3 years ago and he wanted to wait a bit longer. Until our LB was in school he said and we stop paying childcare.

12 months ago I brought it up again as I thought by the time the baby came and I went back to work my LB would be in school. He asked me to wait 12 months again.

Its now 12 months and he is again using the excuse that he thinks we can't afford childcare... We can! I'm going for a promotion in work and started saving this month in preparation... I'm doing my bit because I want this and I have done what he asked... Waited.
If he thinks we can't afford childcare full time for baby 2...what is he going to do about it?!?
I honestly feel like he doesn't care about me! Why is it all on his terms!
It's hard to explain to a man how it feels to have that urge for a baby! He asks me why I cry!

Am I being selfish?

OP posts:

JinglingHellsBells · 23/08/2019 19:57

How things change in 30 yrs. When I had my first then you would be ashamed to be pregnant before being married. Now women want their children at their wedding and in the photos.

I guess I am old fashioned. Commitment first then babies is my view.You need the commitment of marriage first and the protection it gives you financially,

If you think having a 2nd will tie you to a man you are wrong. FGS don't bring another child into what seems like a fragile relationship.

LottieLou90 · 23/08/2019 20:01

You both need to sit down and TALK like adults here.
If he isn’t in the same place as you are then he needs and should tell you, just like you need to tell him.
It does sound like he is stringing you along rather than telling you how he actually feels.
Until you both talk it through then you are both sat in limbo (you in particular) you have made it clear from the offset from you OP, it’s time he now makes himself clear. for you xx

Witchinaditch · 23/08/2019 20:14

Have you asked him outright if he wants another baby?

ChristinaMarlowe · 23/08/2019 20:21

Agree with other posters, you're being fobbed off OP. My DH wanted a child (second for me, DD1 is nearly 7 and not his but he's a brilliant dad to her and has been since she was 3) and I said I wasn't ready as wanted a promotion and the gap between them was already big, wanted to save more, travel more, etc. I had to come off the pill after dragging my feet for another 12 months as I knew I was being unfair - we'd discussed it and I'd agreed a time limit, I then wanted to change the goal posts, much like your BF. Bottom line is that it's not fair to do that to someone, it's bad enough wriggling out of it for X amount of time but you have to be fair. He's already changed his mind enough. DD2 is 5 weeks old and I'm on maternity leave and loving my little bundle and my time with both children. It's never easy or ideal. It would be different if he's said you should wait longer from the get go, but he's now fobbing you off with later, later. Personally I'd push for marriage rather than a second baby as a first move - if he won't do it then you have your answer and it's just as well you found out. If he will then give it 12 months and focus on the wedding and your other child. You're very young (biological clock wise - I'm 38) and can afford another year or two. Any longer and it's a blatant disregard for your previous mutual decision and your own life choices. Good luck

Kittypillar · 23/08/2019 20:24

Sorry to say OP but I think @viques is on to something here...

Ask to move the wedding forward and organise that then, if baby no 2 is a no-go for a while. His reaction will be telling...

1stmonkey · 23/08/2019 20:24

He's being pretty clear that he doesn't want another baby. Why haven't you asked him outright if that's the issue so you can discuss it?
Don't people ever talk properly??

sounfairso · 23/08/2019 20:27

@ChristinaMarlowe very honest post. Congratulations on your new baby

ElleDubloo · 23/08/2019 20:27

Agree that marriage should come before babies, if you choose to get married at all. If you don’t want to be married, that’s another issue. But if you do want to get married, it’s better to do it before having children. Marriage is a public declaration of commitment, and children deserve to be born into a committed relationship.

whattodowith · 23/08/2019 20:29

He’s fobbing you off because he doesn’t want a second child but doesn’t have the heart to tell you. Sorry OP, you need to have an honest chat with him.

whattodowith · 23/08/2019 20:30

Also it’s fine to get married after children but I highly recommend anyone who is a SAHM to get married. You need to protect yourself.

ChanklyBore · 23/08/2019 20:33

I take issue with the posters who assume that marriage improves a woman’s position. Without knowing that woman’s position or finances at all. Sure, in many cases marriage or civil partnership protects the lower earner or more vulnerable financial partner, I resent the assumption that this is the woman.

OP, if you want to get married, get married. If you want a baby, have a baby. If he doesn’t want those things.....you know what you have to do.

INeedAFlerken · 23/08/2019 20:35

I would tell him you'd like to get married quietly at Christmas, with just close family and friends. Doesn't have to cost much; registry office, nice dinner to celebrate.

See if this is about another baby or not making the legal commitment.

Thegirlhasnoname · 23/08/2019 20:37

I also want to know where you live that full time nursery places cost £600 a month for a 9 month old? My DD is a similar age and only in 3 days a week yet it costs more than that!

(Misses point of thread completely...)

sounfairso · 23/08/2019 20:38

@ElleDubloo OP already has a child, your post is not relevant and it's 2019!

ElleDubloo · 23/08/2019 20:46

@sounfairso Yes, I know. But the decision to marry only occurred after the first was born. Then it was delayed for 4 years while they waited for the second. To me that doesn’t make sense. They’re either committed or they’re not. They either want to get married or they don’t. My point is that this should all be decided before bringing another baby into the world.

ElleDubloo · 23/08/2019 20:47

@JinglingHellsBells How things change in 30 yrs. hmm When I had my first then you would be ashamed to be pregnant before being married. Now women want their children at their wedding and in the photos.

I’m in my early 30s and I’d be ashamed to get pregnant before being married. But I know I’m old fashioned

Bluthbanana · 23/08/2019 20:55

I resent the assumption that this is the woman.

You can resent it all you like. Resentment doesn't change that it's the case for more women than men for a variety of reasons, not least because women are more likely to take on caring responsibilities at the expense of paid work.

Dragongirl10 · 23/08/2019 20:58

Op stop being a passenger in your life and letting him be the driver.

Take a couple of days away and really think about what YOU want in every aspect of your life, and what you are and are not willing to compromise on, then tell him. Don't ask...... tell him.

If he loves you and sees a future then he will want you to be happy and meet you halfway at least.

Be aware of the risk to you and your childrens financial security being unmarried.

KT2019 · 23/08/2019 21:03

Wow the number of judgemental and old fashioned women on this thread re the marriage element is unreal! It is 2019 isn't it?!

For those suggesting getting married as a way of testing his commitment - what happens when they are then legally married but still haven't communicated clearly regarding baby no 2 and then have a potentially messy divorce to sort out?!

You do not need to be married to be committed. You also shouldn't want to rush a wedding in order to test your other half, if you are going to do it at all it should surely be for the right reasons?

OP I think you just need to bite the bullet and have it out with him properly, don't let him fob you off without fully explaining himself. But before hand I think you need to be really honest with yourself about how important baby no 2 is - if he doesn't want another, are you willing to give the idea up for the status quo or would you be prepared to move on/break up the family unit in search of baby 2? Tough conversations and decisions but you need to know

INeedAFlerken · 23/08/2019 21:19

It is old-fashioned to some degree, but in the UK marriage brings with it protections that mrerely co-habitating does not.

Other wesern countries have more protections for nonmarried couples.

And he hasn't explained or been honest so far, and marriage has been tied to having a second child ... a child he is thus far unwilling to have or truly discuss. It is one potential way to make him start talking about what's really going on.

MerryChristmasHarry · 23/08/2019 21:34

I agree, tell him you want to get married before having baby no 2 and see what he says.

Wonkybanana · 23/08/2019 21:42

He just keeps saying to me are you happy putting a 9 month old in full time nursery and paying £600 a month.

I keep saying I don't know that's what we are going to do. I can't plan for 18months away. You can't plan a baby like that otherwise it will never happen.

I think perhaps you should come up with a concrete plan, figures and all (even if in the end it doesn't work out like that, life doesn't always). Have everything written down, making sure that all your numbers add up and are realistic. Then have the conversation one last time. If you can prove it's doable and you have thought about it and planned for it, and he still makes excuses, it's time to say to him, looking him straight in the eye, that if he doesn't want another child he should be honest. It's then up to you whether you add 'and give me time to move on with someone who will'.

ElleDubloo · 23/08/2019 21:42

@KT2019 Yes I know what year it is :) Marriage isn’t a fashion though. There’s a reason why marriage exists and I personally have a very high regard for it. I think (if treated correctly) it brings stability and security, and is the best context in which to bring up children. And the emotional security is even more important than the financial security.

It’s not a popular view nowadays, but I think the view nowadays is an anomaly, whereas marriage has existed for centuries and is a crucial part of the fabric of human life.

heartburn888 · 23/08/2019 21:44

Sounds like he doesn’t want a baby I’m afraid. My ex was the same. Said lets wait and plan for the baby so I waited and planned and when I said maybe it’s time to try he said you don’t plan these things, they just happen - but refused any intercourse with me bar once a month when he was pissed. And claimed this was ‘trying’. Some men are dicks love.

mathanxiety · 23/08/2019 21:51

So the wedding is contingent on having baby number 2 and he is dragging his feet about baby number 2?

Well, well, well...

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