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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

He's made me wait 3 years for 2nd baby

114 replies

Lgp11 · 23/08/2019 17:28

My little boy is now 4 and starts school in September. I discussed baby number 2 with my fiance 3 years ago and he wanted to wait a bit longer. Until our LB was in school he said and we stop paying childcare.

12 months ago I brought it up again as I thought by the time the baby came and I went back to work my LB would be in school. He asked me to wait 12 months again.

Its now 12 months and he is again using the excuse that he thinks we can't afford childcare... We can! I'm going for a promotion in work and started saving this month in preparation... I'm doing my bit because I want this and I have done what he asked... Waited.
If he thinks we can't afford childcare full time for baby 2...what is he going to do about it?!?
I honestly feel like he doesn't care about me! Why is it all on his terms!
It's hard to explain to a man how it feels to have that urge for a baby! He asks me why I cry!

Am I being selfish?

OP posts:

KT2019 · 23/08/2019 21:53

@ElleDubloo personally I think it has become a fashion though, so many I know rushed down the isle so they could keep up with the jones' and got themselves into £££ debt to have a big party, better than the last one they attended etc. Its lost its purpose in so many ways. I also think the idea that it's for protection etc is old fashioned as it assumes the female as the subordinate, which is commonly not the case now.

So many marriages fail so I don't think it can be viewed as a sure way to bring children into a stable home, and equally if both partners are truly committed then I honestly don't see why a piece of paper is required to prove that for the sake of children.

In this context though, a lot of people seem to be suggesting to OP that by getting married sooner, she'll effectively trap him in and therefore guarantee a 2nd baby, which in my opinion is not a good way to start a marriage and shouldn't be the purpose of doing so. Just my opinion though, I can see I'm in the minority

mathanxiety · 23/08/2019 21:55

If he was committed to this relationship you would be a married mother of two today.

Long talk long overdue with this man.

TheBadCop · 23/08/2019 21:58

he doesn't want a second baby. and chances are, he doesn't want marriage either.

It take two to agree to have a DC but only one to veto it. If you really really want a DC2, find another partner. it won't happen with your current one.

BlueBilledBeatboxingBird · 23/08/2019 22:01

That’s not why posters are suggesting that OP push for marriage.

OP and partner have decided to marry after DC2. Partner is able to come up with lots of v practical reasons why it isn’t the right time for said DC, which conveniently allows him also to shelve the idea of marriage. It is the perfect excuse.If OP were to reverse her decision and ask her partner for marriage sooner she would very soon know if the problem really is the practicality of affording childcare, or whether there is in fact a deeper issue around her partner’s willingness to commit.

Northernlurker · 23/08/2019 22:01

Was baby number 1 planned op? I'm guessing not.....

user1473878824 · 23/08/2019 22:08

Am I the only one who thinks it’s weird OP is worried about her second baby “missing out” on being in photos of a day? OP, do you actually want to marry him? The wedding is one day. The photos are just that.

Skittlenommer · 23/08/2019 22:25

He doesn’t want another child. Lots of men get cold feet for more children after the stark reality of parenting the first child hits them like a ton of bricks.

MerryChristmasHarry · 23/08/2019 22:26

I dont think people are telling OP to try and 'trap' him. The reason for suggesting they marry now is to see how he responds. If he actually does want to marry her now and is ok with it, she'll know it's the baby not the marriage he doesn't want and can make her decision accordingly. At the moment it's impossible for her to separate the two.

Also yeah, 2nd child missing out by not being in wedding photos? That's not a thing.

tobedtoMNandfart · 23/08/2019 22:40

@KT2019 have you read ANY of the MANY threads on here where unmarried mothers lose everything when the relationship breaks down.
It has nothing to do with being old fashioned or judgemental FFS.

GladAllOver · 23/08/2019 22:49

^^
How can anyone not understand this?

CalmAndQuiet · 23/08/2019 22:59

I earn way more than my DH. I didn’t marry for financial security. This is a very outdated notion and rather insulting to assume women are always the lower earner. Many mothers work and earn enough not to get married for these reasons.

tobedtoMNandfart · 23/08/2019 23:04

Of course they can. Statistically many more mothers than fathers choose to be the SAHP. That's not an assumption.

PoppingOneOutIn2020 · 23/08/2019 23:09

DP said by 30, got to thirty, said not yet, 31 came along and I asked, I started mentioning it actively.. still no.

I eventually sat down and ask for a goal post date that we could begin trying. Was November, November came. Tries once and DP got cold feet and said to wait until the new year. I was so upset, I felt like a baby having its sweets snatched away.

I asked what would change in a few months that would make him want to start trying, he didnt know.

After various chats about his friends telling him his life will be over, hell never have a holiday again, he wont be able to do what hobbies he wants to do because he will be too busy looking after a baby.. and me explaining he can do what he likes in his spare time and I expect the same level of respect, and that kids usually travel free for holidays so it's still an option.

He genuinely did have cold feet.

I'm now 19 weeks pregnant and hes ecstatic. He was very emotional when we found out were having a little girl, he keeps talking about what she will look like and what kind of personality she will have.

If the relationship is on the same page then just talk it out until you've come to a conclusion. But also dont assume it will be the conclusion you want. He may not want a second child now at all, or just at the moment.

Purpleartichoke · 25/08/2019 21:23

Perfectly reasonable to simply not want to get married, but oP mentioned a fiancé, not a life partner, therefore we have to assume this is a couple that believes in marriage and therefore it becomes a factor in considering children.

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