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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put my foot down over DD sleeping in our bed?

101 replies

HennyPennyHorror · 17/07/2019 12:19

She's ELEVEN!

She's a confident, popular child who is happy in the daytime but almost every single night she asks if she can sleep in my bed. DH can't cope with her in there too as there's no room...she's tall!

Occasionally he's said "Oh ok...I'll sleep in your bed" but he hates doing that as he doesn't sleep well in a bed that's not his own.

He works away one night per week and DD can then share with me but GOD HOW LONG WILL THIS GO ON FOR!??

I don't mind sleeping with DD but she's getting older now...and DH shouldn;t feel like he's being kicked out of his own bloody bed.

What can I do? When she asks I say no and she nags and whines and I still say no but she'll keep on and on until I get angry.

I'm not unreasonable am I? Best ways to deal with it??

OP posts:
UtterlyUnimaginativeUsername · 17/07/2019 12:20

Just keep saying no. She'll give up eventually.

Jemima232 · 17/07/2019 12:21

Keep returning her to her own bed.

Ignore the whining.

MRex · 17/07/2019 12:24

Have you asked why she wants to, maybe a cuddle on the sofa in the evening would give her the physical comfort she wants? Can you try a compromise that she's allowed in the bed for a cuddle from 6am?

Original poster
HennyPennyHorror · 17/07/2019 12:27

Mrex she has more cuddles than she knows what to do with. Plenty. I or DH often sit next to her on the sofa cuddling etc. She's very physically affectionate and has always had plenty of that.

OP posts:
greenwaterbottle · 17/07/2019 12:27

Starting over the summer holidays will be great re timing.
Does she sulk if you say no, how does it go.
Has she always slept with you.
Can you redo her room to make it more grown up

Original poster
HennyPennyHorror · 17/07/2019 12:28

In relation to why she wants to she just says she likes it better. No issues with her room in general.

OP posts:
Original poster
HennyPennyHorror · 17/07/2019 12:29

green we're in Oz, it's winter here. She sulks for a while but not long. She's always had the desire to get in my bed...since she was tiny.

Her room has been redone and is more tweenage now.

OP posts:
MRex · 17/07/2019 12:30

Ok, then now I'm worried this is my future with DS (it's hard to peel him off us at 16 months). So, much sympathy. Watching for solutions.

Sexnotgender · 17/07/2019 12:30

Definitely put your foot down. I thought you were going to say she was a toddler!

greenwaterbottle · 17/07/2019 12:30

Then yep, just say no. She's a happy well adjusted child who gets plenty of attention.
Tell her she's too big to share and it's ruining your sleep pattern. So no more!

hellsbellsmelons · 17/07/2019 12:30

Is the room how she wants it?
When was the last time you decorated?
My friend had this and once she had decorated her room she hardly saw her.
She loves her now room and wants to be in it.

I would let her know that the bed is yours and dads.
When dad is away she can stay in it but cannot otherwise.
And stick to it!

Yeahnahmum · 17/07/2019 12:30

Eleven? Are you kidding?
I like the idea iof redoing her room. And then explain to her that there is no more sleeping in your bedroom anymore. And if that doesnt help: start locking your door.

She is eleven. Not 3.
She'll be allright ;)

madcatladyforever · 17/07/2019 12:31

You are the parent here. Children don't call the shots or they will grow up thinking they can behave any way they want.
It never fails to amaze me how much crap people on here will take from their kids.
When I said no to my son he knew I meant no and there was no argument.
You are not doing her any favours at all.

justasking111 · 17/07/2019 12:31

I would have to say no at that age unless they were ill.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 17/07/2019 12:32

What else does she like? Does she have a phone or a tablet? If so, use that.

"DD you are only allowed to sleep in the bed when dad is away. If you come into our room and whine about it, then even that will go. Every night you whine and moan you will lose the use of phone/tablet the next day and every day until you stop".

Breathlessness · 17/07/2019 12:33

Would a hot water bottle/microwave pad and a big snuggle cushion help?

TriSkiRun99 · 17/07/2019 12:36

Make an alternative bed on the floor next to yours but makes sure it’s not as “comfy/soft” as her own bed. Then there’s two clear options if she’s struggling to be independent in her own bed the floor option is there. My sister did this with her son (who is ASD) but it meant she was firm about not being in her physical bed so everyone could get some sleep. He prefers his own comfy bed but occasionally needs the re-assurance of being close. Be very firm for a week though to try get new rules in place. Gd luck

mbosnz · 17/07/2019 12:38

I'd sit down with her, and say something along the lines of 'this ends now. You are not sleeping in our bed any longer. At all. You are not being fair. You might prefer this bed, but this is DH's bed, and he prefers it too. His preference for his bed trumps your preference for his bed. You have a nice bed, in a nice bedroom, and that is where you sleep. There is no further discussion, no debate, and you can sulk until the cows come home dear, but you will be sleeping in your bed. If need be, I will be getting a lock for DH's and my bedroom door, and you will not be allowed in our room at all. I don't want to have to go there, so please don't push the issue.'

daisyjgrey · 17/07/2019 12:40

I would want to know the reason why she still wants to be in there.
My partner is away five nights a week and my almost 9 year old sleeps in with me when he's not there, but has no issues being in her own bed he is.

Sit her down and ask her calmly why she wants to be in with you all the time, there might be things going on that need figuring out.

Fundays12 · 17/07/2019 12:44

Just say no she is 11 not a toddler. My 2 year old knows he can’t sleep in our bed and no is no. She is too old to sleep in your bed especially if your dh has to sleep elsewhere.

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 17/07/2019 12:48

Time to put your foot down, calmly but consistently. Just tell her she needs to sleep in her own bed now. She'll be fine

Or else buy an 8 foot bed.

Original poster
HennyPennyHorror · 17/07/2019 12:50

God thanks for all the decent suggestions but I've already said that her room HAS been redone recently.

Ski I'm not making her a bed in our room! We can't bloody have sex then! Grin

Daisy from what I can gather, the only reason she wants to be in there is that she likes cuddling me! As I mentioned, she's very affectionate. But she's not insecure...she's got loads of mates, very outgoing!

She doesn't have nightmares either!

OP posts:
Original poster
HennyPennyHorror · 17/07/2019 12:51

MBoznz Thanks....I have done that this evening...reaching the end of my patience with her now. We're a very chilled household in general...but this is doing my nut in and poor DH feels like the bad guy!

OP posts:
MRex · 17/07/2019 12:53

Can you get a pet for her to share with? I used to have a cat who wanted cuddles all night long.

Original poster
HennyPennyHorror · 17/07/2019 12:53

And I LIKE sleeping with DH! We've said "Daddy and I are partners...grown ups like to share a bed when they're married or in love and that's that! Kids get their cuddles but bedtime is special for us and we like sharing together"

She just looks at me like Hmm

OP posts:
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