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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To put my foot down over DD sleeping in our bed?

101 replies

HennyPennyHorror · 17/07/2019 12:19

She's ELEVEN!

She's a confident, popular child who is happy in the daytime but almost every single night she asks if she can sleep in my bed. DH can't cope with her in there too as there's no room...she's tall!

Occasionally he's said "Oh ok...I'll sleep in your bed" but he hates doing that as he doesn't sleep well in a bed that's not his own.

He works away one night per week and DD can then share with me but GOD HOW LONG WILL THIS GO ON FOR!??

I don't mind sleeping with DD but she's getting older now...and DH shouldn;t feel like he's being kicked out of his own bloody bed.

What can I do? When she asks I say no and she nags and whines and I still say no but she'll keep on and on until I get angry.

I'm not unreasonable am I? Best ways to deal with it??

OP posts:
StoppinBy · 17/07/2019 13:32

If you are happy to keep allowing her and it's only the space that's an issue, have you tried tip and tailing with her? Our eldest started asking to spend the occasional night in our bed once our youngest was born but she is the worst bed sharer ever... kicks the doona off all night, ends up kicking and punching you in the face etc lol. Tip and tailing has meant we can actually let her do it.

Also no YANBU to insist she sleep in her own bed but maybe give her a night or two that she is allowed to sleep in your bed and the rest are in her bed, make it non negotiable.

sammylady37 · 17/07/2019 13:32

It will go on for as long as you allow it to go on. You’re the parent, time to start acting like it instead of giving in to manipulation and whining.

Aquamarine1029 · 17/07/2019 13:33

Good grief, stop allowing your child to rule the roost. FFS.

Zebedee88 · 17/07/2019 13:33

Okay, so she can get ome night with you when your husband isn't there. But if she likes sleeping in a bed with someone else, maybe get her a cuddle type pillow? Something big and soft to cuddle into?

Isatis · 17/07/2019 13:33

I don't think the confrontational approach suggested by MBonznz is needed. Just a calm conversation during the day when you explain to her that this has gone on too long, it's not fair on your DH and it's not fair on you, and if she wants a cuddle she can get all the cuddles she needs during the day; but from now on this is going to stop, no matter how much she begs, whines or whinges. Then, when she goes to bed, give her a big cuddle and remind her that she's staying in her own bed, and stick to that.

MyCatHatesEverybody · 17/07/2019 13:35

A phased withdrawal? The girl is 11! Plenty old enough to understand that people are entitled to their own space. No wonder so many children have little respect for authority when everything has to be turned into a bloody negotiation.

SooticaTheWitchesCat · 17/07/2019 13:36

My daughter was like this. We eventually said she had to stay in her bed during the week but could come in at the weekend, then we cut it down to once a week.

She now stays in her room. It took a long while but we got there :)

MargotsFlounceyBlouse · 17/07/2019 13:38

My same aged son does this but I sleep on my own so there's enough room!

It does sound like its a habit she's got into, not an indication of upset. Maybe invest in one of those heavy gravity blankets or something for her and then put your foot down.

StoppinBy · 17/07/2019 13:38

I do wonder how many people miss their partners being in the bed when they are away when I see things like this. It's natural that she doesn't want to sleep in a room by herself, yes the parents have a right to say no but surely you can see that sleeping in the same bed as your parents feels safe and comforting?

No need for the harsh replies, she wont be 20 and still wanting to sleep there.

mbosnz · 17/07/2019 13:43

@Isatis

Confrontational? I'd say 'unambiguous' myself. Drawing a line under previously slightly more wishy-washy approaches, and making it clear that going forward, this is the way things are going to be.

But then, I'm not of a particularly enabling mindset.

If you've got a neuro-typical, physically and mentally healthy child, who is happy, secure, and confident, who just happens to prefer sleeping with Mum in Mum and Dad's room, and doesn't really care that Mum and Dad don't happen to prefer it, I think perhaps it's time it's pointed out to them that it's not all about them, and sometimes we don't get our preferences put first!

viques · 17/07/2019 13:50

we can't have sex

That's your answer. Serious talk time. You explain that she is old enough to know that adults share a bed because a) they like to sleep next to each other and b) they like to have sex.

The eugh factor should do it!

HazelBite · 17/07/2019 13:56

Tell her that you will tell her classmates /friends that she still sleeps with Mummy and Daddy, and they will laugh at her BECAUSE IT IS NOT NORMAL WHEN YOU ARE 11!
Get a lock on your door or set a booby trap on top of the door slightly open, so she won't be tempted!

nauseous5000 · 17/07/2019 13:59

OP, odd question but is DH her dad? I'm asking because my DD8 always used to share a bed with me before I met DP. As she was 5 at that point I wanted to wean her into her own bed anyway, but she still asks to sleep with me regularly. I will if DP poorly or away, but not otherwise. Sometimes she says it's not fair that he gets to sleep with me all of the time and I wonder if shes a bit jealous about it. Just wondered if this could be a reason for your DD too? Either way though, she's too old for this now and it's time for things to change. I bet she knows that too

DC3dilemma · 17/07/2019 14:00

My oldest nephew did this, until about 13. In the last few years an agreement was made -he chose one night a week to sleep in with mum. It was that or nothing and he accepted it.

HeadintheiClouds · 17/07/2019 14:18

Just say no. She may want this, but at 11 she really doesn’t need it.

Tighnabruaich · 17/07/2019 14:19

Oh dear, oh dear, oh dear.
I could have written this word for word about my best friend.
Her daughter climbed into the parental bed every night.
Mum couldn't bring herself to be firm about it, gave in every time.
Finally an ultimatum from Dad - which Mum batted away so as not to upset daughter.
Daughter slept in that bed until she was 17 and dating!!! Mum and Dad long estranged, although living in the same house.

Derbee · 17/07/2019 14:22

I personally hate the thought of threatening her with various punishments, or locking her out etc. It’s needlessly harsh. Just treat her with respect, and explain that you’ve enjoyed her sleeping with you as she grows up, but she’s old enough to sleep in her own room now. You and your DH need private adult space, and now is the right time for her to move to her own room.

Explain that you’ve respected her by explaining your reasons, and she must now respect you and your husband by not nagging and whinging. Stand firm, say no to sleeping in your room, ignore the whinging and nagging if/when it happens. Her in her own bed will soon become the new normal. Good luck!

Elvesdontdomagic · 17/07/2019 14:27

Here's another angle-she may have sensory processing disorder. Are there any other signs of sensory issues? Does she twist her hair, suck thumb/fingers, mouth things, dislike loud noises, become stressed
Or clumsy in busy places, any food issues, gagging etc? Is she at all OCD?

My 3yo has SPD (possible Aspergers) and is mega cuddly! Always found my neck, extremely tactile.

Worth a thought?

WhatchaMaCalllit · 17/07/2019 14:28

Be firm with her. If you have plans to do something, make it consequence based. The more she stays in her own bed, the more you can do. If she gets into your bed, the consequence is that you don't get to carry out your plans, whatever they may be.
For example, if you say to her that you'll go to the swimming pool tomorrow for a swim, get her on board by saying that you'll only do that if she stays in her room at bedtime. No coming in to Mum and Dads room.
IF you say that you're going to bring her shopping, same conditions, same consequence. Or the movies or something that she will understand and want to do but will also understand that if she doesn't keep her end of the bargain, it doesn't happen.

Good luck!

fluffiphlox · 17/07/2019 14:30

Wait till her friends knows she sleeps with mummy. 😉

GibbonLover · 17/07/2019 14:33

No need for the harsh replies, she wont be 20 and still wanting to sleep there

No, she won't want to sleep with her DM when she's 20. But if she doesn't get out of this habit, if this need is not addressed, she'll find plenty of other people to take DMs place if she so wishes. Have you ever heard of people having multiple one night stands or short-term unsuitable partners simply because they wanted someone 'there'. Because they didn't want to be alone at night?

flamingjune123 · 17/07/2019 14:34

Mine took turns to sleep with me until they were even older. However the differences were I was single and I also didn't mind. I don't think it's odd in the slightest to want skin to skin contact whether you're 3,11 or 60 but it's clear within our society that we expect children to sleep alone, I've never really understood why ( except for the obvious reasons when both parents are wanting to sleep together without children)
So if you want it to stop, just stop it. I dont think it needs much more than ' you're not sleeping in our bed when Dads home anymore. When he's not here and if you want to then that's a possibility'
Don't enter into any further discussion, just repeat, broken record style

missmoz · 17/07/2019 14:38

Is a getting to sleep thing she's having troubles with? Would an audio book help.

No need to embarrass her, lock out etc. Just

VenusTiger · 17/07/2019 14:41

OP, I’d go with @mbosnz - be kind but firm. At 11 I’m guessing she knows about the birds and the bees and she understands privacy? I’m already teaching my 6yr old DS about knocking doors before entering if they are closed. It might embarrass her when you say that you and her dad need private “cuddle time” and that’s it’s yours and his space, but she needs to grow up a bit and realise this.

Good luck to you.

Bookworm4 · 17/07/2019 14:41

Deary me, the PP who want to pander to their kids, excuse petulant behaviour. Kids need to learn boundaries and not be allowed to dictate to their parents. 11 is far too old to sleep with parents and as for the PP saying the need to be with someone leads to one night stands; get a fuckin grip, she’s an 11 year old that’s been allowed to be a demanding brat.