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AIBU?

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Original poster

To put my foot down over DD sleeping in our bed?

101 replies

HennyPennyHorror · 17/07/2019 12:19

She's ELEVEN!

She's a confident, popular child who is happy in the daytime but almost every single night she asks if she can sleep in my bed. DH can't cope with her in there too as there's no room...she's tall!

Occasionally he's said "Oh ok...I'll sleep in your bed" but he hates doing that as he doesn't sleep well in a bed that's not his own.

He works away one night per week and DD can then share with me but GOD HOW LONG WILL THIS GO ON FOR!??

I don't mind sleeping with DD but she's getting older now...and DH shouldn;t feel like he's being kicked out of his own bloody bed.

What can I do? When she asks I say no and she nags and whines and I still say no but she'll keep on and on until I get angry.

I'm not unreasonable am I? Best ways to deal with it??

OP posts:
SomewhereInbetween1 · 17/07/2019 12:56

When do you and DH get a chance to have sex? Is her presence starting to affect the relationship at all? 11 is plenty old enough to be in her own bed, but more than that, you and DH deserve a space that is private and just for you two! Hope she settles into her own room soon!

SolsticeBabyMaybe · 17/07/2019 12:57

Just say no.
And don't let her in on the night he's away, either.
Get her a massive teddy to cuddle!!!

Original poster
HennyPennyHorror · 17/07/2019 12:59

Somewhere we get plenty of opportunities for sex. She's not actually IN our bed every night.

And we also work for ourselves so have the odd daytime rendezvous too.

OP posts:
SolsticeBabyMaybe · 17/07/2019 12:59

Talk to her about it in the daytime so she knows the rules and it isn't some night time struggle.

Sexnotgender · 17/07/2019 12:59

I bed shared with my daughter for a few weeks after she had spinal surgery as she had a cabin bed and couldn’t climb the stairs. She was 12 I think?
She was a bloody nightmare bed companion! It’s amazing how much room a small child can take up.

Confrontayshunme · 17/07/2019 12:59

I read a great article about this recently which said the bedsharing/cosleeping only works if it works for everyone. So if it isn't working for DH, then he needs to say that the bed is his and he needs some privacy. It was a question from a dad who felt uncomfortable with his 11yo daughter who was going through puberty and he got into bed to find her masturbating. Confused When it doesn't work for one person, it doesn't work at all.

Original poster
HennyPennyHorror · 17/07/2019 13:00

Baby I've tried that. She's the most stubborn try-hard ever!

SexNotGender I know right! And DD is the second tallest kid in her class...she's more like a 13 year old in height! And she scoots over till I'm on the edge of the bed!

OP posts:
GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 17/07/2019 13:02

As others have said, you need to explain to her that it's not fair that DH gets turfed out of his own bed. And you BOTH need to explain this to her, not just you.

She's old enough to sleep in her own bed now; ask her if any of her friends still sleep with their parents. I guarantee they won't.

feistymumma · 17/07/2019 13:03

My DD sleeps in my bed every single night and every single night she promises it will be the last time. I have given up.

nokidshere · 17/07/2019 13:07

The thing is, she whines and whinges until you get angry, and then you give in. "But mummy i like cuddling you" is emotional blackmail and it works, so she has no reason to stop.

Just say no and mean it. You have checked she's fine, she's happy and thriving, and she likes her room so it just needs to stop. But the only people who can stop it is you and DH. You don't need to punish her, you just need to say no and put or send her back to her room, every single time.

FawnDrench · 17/07/2019 13:09

A phased withdrawal??
Every other night, then every 3rd night etc
until she is totally in her own room.

She could plan this with you so she has some control over it, perhaps decide on an overall timescale with specific goals, points etc.

Whatever happens it's not in her or your interests to continue the stays quo.

Rachelover40 · 17/07/2019 13:09

I wonder if she is nervous. I remember being quite scared when I was a lot older than your daughter. My fears were irrational but very real to me. Of course I didn't sleep with my parents once I was past a certain age but I wish I'd found a solution to being scared.

My son was the same, he used to come into our bed in the night very quietly, sliding down between us, trying not to wake us. He had a lovely bedroom at the back of the house but was afraid of 'garden noises' (good for a mick take now), plus he had a great imagination as I did.

As Confrontashunme says, co sleeping is fine if it works for everyone.

Having her door open, light on on the landing, night light in room and a radio (listened to with ear piece or headphones), might be helpful. I very much enjoyed listening to the radio in bed, especially music, but there are many interesting radio programmes nowadays.

You were right to tell her that her parents need privacy in their bedroom but at the same time, she can't help how she feels.

Jemima232 · 17/07/2019 13:09

OP, you need to be firmer.

Tell her she cannot continue to do this and if she whines about it you will dock her pocket money and remove devices.

And do it. She'll soon learn. You need to set boundaries with children, especially with pre-teens.

You've said she's a happy child with a nice bedroom. So tell her that's where she sleeps.

Get tough, Mama.

mbosnz · 17/07/2019 13:10

Good on you. Sometimes they need reminding that their actions impact other people, and that other people have wants and feelings and needs that have to be respected too!

FawnDrench · 17/07/2019 13:11

Status quo fgs Blush

Jemima232 · 17/07/2019 13:13

My DD sleeps in my bed every single night and every single night she promises it will be the last time. I have given up

Of course she promises every time that it will be the last. She knows that will get you to give in.

If you're fed up with it, tell her it isn't happening any more and punish her if she keeps on trying.

cakeandchampagne · 17/07/2019 13:16

Maybe she needs a fan or other white noise in her room- or blackout curtains- or a little light- or some large pillows/large stuffed animals to snuggle.

gamerchick · 17/07/2019 13:17

Mines 12 and a few months ago we put an end to the bedsharing. It was a simple conversation during the day that it wasn't happening anymore and stuck to it. Any amount of whining doesn't make a difference. Just stand firm and dont give in for as long as it takes.

amusedbush · 17/07/2019 13:18

I know someone who still co-sleeps with her 9yo son and I find it really weird, to be honest!

The whining and sulking would really, really piss me off. Just quit cold turkey and don't give an inch. She's too bloody big to be sleeping in your bed, especially if your DH is being kicked out to accommodate it.

81Byerley · 17/07/2019 13:18

Just say "No, you're too big to be sharing our bed"....and be consistent, don't allow it when your husband isn't there either.

BlueSkiesLies · 17/07/2019 13:18

Normally I would think, let her, but at 11..... you need your space!

Has she got a special teddy or anything?

Maybe a challenge to sleep in her own bed every night over the summer holidays and an awesome prize at the end?

Bookworm4 · 17/07/2019 13:21

Stand your ground and keep saying no, your DD knows she can manipulate you, Lock the door and tell the little madam to go to her own bed.

justilou1 · 17/07/2019 13:23

Nope - You've had your cuddles on the couch. It's our time now. GO TO YOUR OWN ROOM!

diddl · 17/07/2019 13:31

It's difficult isn't it explaining to a kid that they have to sleep alone whilst two adults don't.

But at 11 I would think that she knows why adults share beds!

Fontofnoknowledge · 17/07/2019 13:31

Yep some serious grown up parenting required here. Ignore all tantrums and sulks. The answer is No. End Of. The reason she keeps on is because ' keeping on' has achieved her wish to keep sharing the bed. .. She has been conditioned to 'keep on' until you give in because you always do.

Just tell her it isn't going to happen anymore. The lack of good sleep is impacting you and her father and she has no right to do that.

No doubt there will be the usual apologists for crappy child behaviour coming along to tell you that you must allow this until she's at least 34 due to obvious underlying mental health insecurities.. (that you have clearly stated don't exist - but what do you know you are only her mother !)

Put your foot down OP. It's that simple.