To put my foot down over DD sleeping in our bed?

[HennyPennyHorror]

She's ELEVEN!

She's a confident, popular child who is happy in the daytime but almost every single night she asks if she can sleep in my bed. DH can't cope with her in there too as there's no room...she's tall!

Occasionally he's said "Oh ok...I'll sleep in your bed" but he hates doing that as he doesn't sleep well in a bed that's not his own.

He works away one night per week and DD can then share with me but GOD HOW LONG WILL THIS GO ON FOR!??

I don't mind sleeping with DD but she's getting older now...and DH shouldn;t feel like he's being kicked out of his own bloody bed.

What can I do? When she asks I say no and she nags and whines and I still say no but she'll keep on and on until I get angry.

I'm not unreasonable am I? Best ways to deal with it??

You are doing her a huge favor to say no.

In relation to why she wants to she just says she likes it better
Maybe point out that you and DH like it better when you have the bed to yourselves

DD “but mummy I LIKE cuddling into you in your bed”
OP “but DD, dad and I LIKE having sex in our bed”

Mike drop

I used to be her. I used to sleep with my mum till I was a tween. My parents didn't share a room so dad wasn't kicked out. For me it was at first that I didn't like my bed. But I think it became a habit. But then I just grew out of it. I just started to go to my own bed. It was just never talked about.

@Youseethethingis
Well said, that should stop her 🤣🤣

It would be a very firm NO from me. The child does not get to dictate.

Say no and mean it. If she comes in then send her back to her own room. Barricade the door if necessary until she gets the message.

I assume she is just about to transfer to secondary school? If her peers there find out that she still sleeps in Mum and Dad's bed with them they will probably rip into her and take the kids.

Put a stop to it now.

my ds2 is 12. He occasionally goes through phases of wanting to sleep in with me. At one point recently he was on a mat on the floor every night as that was my compromise, but if its an occasional thing, i just let him. He wont be doing it at 15, and its not something you have to train a child out of. They do it when theyre developmentally ready to, and some people never do like sleeping alone even as adults.
It will pass.
Do you have any pets he could sleep with

I'm not sure about the '...you're not sleeping in our bed when Dads home anymore. When he's not here and if you want to then that's a possibility...' as that's potentially divisive between DD and her Dad.

I also don't agree with 'treats if you're a good girl' approach either - she's 11 not two!!!

Have a talk with her if you feel that would be effective, in whatever terms you feel are right for her but don't apologise or blame your DH in any way - 'I would but your Dad says you can't' is also potential trouble between him and her.

I like mbosnz's approach, keep it short, straightforward and factual rather than emotion led. Upbeat and positive and then move on to something nice - making cakes or whatever she's into.

And then, when the inevitable happens, just say no and mean it and don't give in, at all. You can start with 'Darling, we have a new rule on this don't we' for the first request and, with no more chat get her back to her room, after that just "No darling" and take her back to her room without chatting further.

And if she whines or whinges during the day about it don't get into a huge discussion, you are not wrong to want this so don't feel guilty! Good luck!

Winbly. The op states that she's not that bothered but her DH is. It sounded as if it was for that reason she'd decided that things needed to change. What i suggested was to tell the child concrete facts. One of these would need to be 'you won't be sleeping in our bed when your Dad is home' this isn't Dad blaming its telling it as it is

I'm also a little surprised that the DD hasn't realised that her parents want to have sex.

I vividly remember as a child pre/early teens in my bedroom late at night, wanting my mum nearby, couldn't sleep for hours, mind going into overdrive, scared of patterns in curtains, imagined things in the room moving, getting more and more upset but knowing I couldn't wake my parents (dad was very strict). Eventually stopped telling my mum about it too as there was no point, they didn't (appear to) care.

ds was the same between 11ish and 13ish, couldn't sleep for hours, but if someone was in the same bed/room as him he would fall asleep within 10-15mins. I think it is a growing/hormone thing at this age, I've heard the same from a few parents, and not wanting to put ds through the same as I experienced we treated it as such and let him in if he needed to and never made him fell bad about it, sometimes even knowing he could come in if he wanted to helped him stay in his own room. We got him a double bed at 13 and would go in with him occasionally for 30 mins until he dropped off. It lasted a couple of years, sometimes twice a week, sometimes weeks without coming through then it all tailed off and stopped.

Think about how you feel when you have to sleep alone, everyone is away and you are in the house yourself and it is windy outside and your mind is imaging noises, now image the feeling being amplified because you are only 11 and feel alone. Rationalising doesn't work when you are 11 and in your room alone and cant sleep, it's natural to seek out comfort from your parents.

I’m quite shocked at some of the stuff on here.

My dd was diagnosed with severe anxiety at 9. She was terrified to sleep alone. No one got any sleep. I clearly remember her saying she ‘ wanted to feel protected’ at night

We just put a bed in our room and she slept her in there. She’s 13 now and flits between our room and hers.
It’s quite common and they do grow out of it.

And l know a lot of adults who were like this. Including myself

And telling her she would be ok or whatever, just made it worse. She needed to be with an adult to feel safe

Well said, TheEmoji. Telling a child not to be so silly doesn't help either, I've actually heard people say that to a nervous child.

The op's daughter will outgrow this eventually and there are ways that she can amuse and distract herself when she's alone in her room, she just has to realise that. As I said earlier, I was the same but found the radio extremely helpful, I became engrossed in radio programmes and learned a lot too.

I’m shocked at some of these posts. Sometimes a child needs comfort and 11 isn’t that old. Go with the flow and she’ll probably stop coming in of her own accord.

As a compromise, maybe say she can sleep on the floor??

I think there comes a point where you have to just say no, she is old enough to deal with it now. Friend of mine still has her DS coming into her bed when he's feeling ill and he's 15!

My 12 yr old dd sleeps with me every night. My partner works away a lot!!!! I absolutely LOVE having her in there.

She's 11!!!! I would have been saying no for at least the last 10 years. Just tell her, OP. And make it clear that the answer is always going to be no from now on even when your DH is away.

I think first you need to talk to her bc she's worried/frightened about something.

There is probably something underlying going on. Don't be defensive or confrontational; be kind.

Instead of being angry, trying to understand her reasons is better.

For everyone who is so adamant that children have no place in the SEX bed; if your child sleeping alone is so OBVIOUSLY unreasonable, think about yourself.

You're not sleeping alone; you have your dp.

I am old and find comfort that my dh is in our bed. (If he's out of town, i sleep with my cat.)

When I was a young child, my parents absolutely didn't give me any kindness if I was frightened. I was told to stay in my room. I was too old to seek comfort.

I still remember having a nightmare and laying in bed, terrified, trying to calm down.

Just bc your child isn't bothering you doesn't mean that everything is ok. It could just mean that you've failed to be kind or perceptive.

No need for the harsh replies, she wont be 20 and still wanting to sleep there

Well maybe. I was very surprised to find out recently that an acquaintance (that I was getting to know better) had her daughter sleeping in her bed every night of her life until she went to uni at 19 and still sleeps with her when she's home on holidays.

@nokidshere .... well I hope I can convince my kids to climb in to my bed for a cuddle and a good chat when they are that age . I still sleep in my friends beds when I stay with them and we spend all night chatting together.

@GibbonLover plenty of people have run from unstable homes into the likes of one night stands seeking love and comfort too.....

Have you tried asking her for a solution target than telling her? Also, praying t is not recent, but had been going on all hey life so far?

its pretty harsh to not allow your child comfort when they are anxious in the night. Noone ever got over an anxiety by being told to not be anxious and to stay in a room alone while everyone else sleeps with someone.
I get its annoying, but you have to deal with the child youve got, not your fantasy child.
My son was sleeping in with me at 11, but at 12, hes not, but he knows full well that if he needs me, he can come in, because if im not going to meet his needs, then who is?

For posters who say they are surprised that the DD hasn’t realised her parents want to have sex, maybe that’s the actual problem. My sister admitted to me a few years back that she had overheard our parents a few times and that she hated it so much and got so scared to sleep. So she used to sleep in there every night because she knew it wouldn’t happen anymore whilst she was in there.