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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To be angry/embarrassed that there's so many basic things my parents didn't teach me

140 replies

Sickoffamilydrama · 24/04/2019 14:22

This thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3568077-Do-you-have-a-separate-towel
has got me thinking.

There's so many basic things my parents (mostly my mum as my dad was never around) didn't teach me or my siblings.
As an example we always ran out of: bread, milk, loo roll, sanitary wares, shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste.
We were always late it's taken me years to learn about time keeping.
The washing up, cleaning and laundry was never kept on top of.

I understand now that my mum probably had/ has depression and couldn't cope but sometimes it's really embarrassing, stressful to not know many basic life skills innately, especially hygenie things like brushing your teeth am & pm.
It's only as I came into contact with more people I discovered what I grow up with isn't 'normal' It makes me really angry even though I'm a middle aged adult with DC of my own.

So AIBU to be angry that I have to scrabble around and learn how to do these things as an adult rather than having learned them as a child/teen and being second nature?

OP posts:
AnchorDownDeepBreath · 24/04/2019 14:25

A little bit, possibly.

My parents were awful, leaving abuse aside I don't think taught any of us anything. They died when I was 11 and I was moved around foster care until I was an adult.

I've had to learn everything from scratch. Time keeping, how to fry an egg, how to chop things, systems to keep on top of laundry and shopping... everything. I had to figure periods out myself. Working. Relationships.

There's a lot of us that weren't taught anything. I made it my mission to learn as much as I can, and when/if I have kids, I'll pass as much of it to them as I can. It's the rougher ride, sure, but plenty of people have to teach this stuff to themselves. Resenting your parents for it isn't going to teach you what you don't know, or make you feel any better, really.

Original poster
Sickoffamilydrama · 24/04/2019 14:33

I get anchor what your saying and there are plenty who had worse than me.

My thinking is that it's good to acknowledge the feelings and that as long as I don't let the anger consume me, it's fine to have them.

I'm doing a typical AIBU poster of not agreeing that I'm BU Wink

OP posts:
stayathomer · 24/04/2019 14:39

Sorry but yabu, and I shudder to think what my kids will think of me when they're older!!I'm pretty rubbish around the house and a terrible cook, we are trying to get all of them swimming and rising bikes and I am trying to teach them timekeeping but I don't have a clue show to teach e.g. about money cos everything seems to go in one ear and out the other! I had hoped they'd just remember I was always there when they needed me tbh!!

stayathomer · 24/04/2019 14:42

OP the thread you linked to ... I wouldn't regard not knowing that sort of thing as being an important life lesson? Is that what you mean?

Mamalicious16 · 24/04/2019 14:43

List of things my parents taught me :

Can't remember. They must've helped me to walk obviously. Anything else I cannot remember AT ALL. Mum was always living off credit cards - i don't have one and hate credits loans ( apart from mortgage). Mum was a terrible cook so I went to college and learnt there. Really struggling to remember ANYTHING my parents taught me tbh. Vivid memories of being on my own a lot and babysitting when I was 10........

mummmy2017 · 24/04/2019 14:44

You could change is you wanted, but it is far easier to blame the past.

ProserpinaPontypridd · 24/04/2019 14:49

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

HennyPennyHorror · 24/04/2019 14:53

YABVU. Running out of basics is often linked to lack of money!

mummmy2017 · 24/04/2019 14:54

ProserpinaPontypridd take pride in all the things you have learnt to do .
We should all try to learn something new everyday...

cakecakecheese · 24/04/2019 14:55

That sounds awful but it sounds like the best lesson you've learned is how to be a good parent. It won't undo your childhood but you can give your kids everything you never had. Have you had any councelling? As I think you could probably benefit from talking through your feelings with someone.

Secondstartothergt · 24/04/2019 14:57

I don’t think the things you’ve listed are things to be taught, but rather common sense. I wasn’t specifically taught any of those things, but I still do them without thinking.

If it’s things like riding a bike, learning to swim, tying shoe laces then I think those are more valid basic skills that parents ought to try to teach. All thing being equal of course - things like mental health, difficult circumstances or finances can have an impact.

cakecakecheese · 24/04/2019 14:58

I'm baffled by some of these responses. Surely you teach your kids to clean their teeth?? And if you can't even provide loo roll for your kids then there's something massively wrong there.

Original poster
Sickoffamilydrama · 24/04/2019 14:59

@stayathomer yes it's life lessons.

@HennyPennyHorror yes if that was the case we had money my siblings and I went to private school.

Maybe the resentment is more tied in with the emotional support I didn't receive @stayathomer so if your supporting them in that way then I'm sure they'll be fine.

OP posts:
boringlyboring · 24/04/2019 15:00

I agree with you. I didn’t even know it was normal to shower regularly until I got to secondary school and started stopping at friends houses. I don’t know how to ride a bike. Most other stuff I’ve managed to teach myself.

It’s part of a bigger picture of neglect, and the main reason it frustrates me now is when she has chastised me for not knowing things I ‘should’, but doesn’t think it relevant that she didn’t teach me.

I do know roughly how to look after a baby as I learned at 9 through being left most nights with my sibling when he was a few months old.

stayathomer · 24/04/2019 15:02

OP Flowers and Cake Sorry I'm no help, hopefully you remember some lovely t ghings that help x

BigusBumus · 24/04/2019 15:02

Wow I dread to think of what my children would say about me in the future! We are not all perfect, but sometimes you don't need to be "taught" how to do things like be on time, you just do it. So very easy to blame your mum for where you are failing all by yourself!

I could blame my mum for loads if I felt like it, but I don't as I take responsibility for my own actions as an adult.

RedBerryTea · 24/04/2019 15:03

I've always tried to teach my children life's essentials on a "need to know" basis; brushing teeth when they were little, talking about periods before they started having them, teaching them to drive when they were old enough, teaching them how to budget and how to cook before they left for university, teaching them about mortgages when they were looking to buy a house, etc. My mother didn't teach me anything; never mentioned teeth or periods, never asked if I had sufficient sanitary products (I didn't), she can't cook so didn't teach us, etc. etc. I didn't really think much about what my mother didn't do until I had my own children. She thinks she was a brilliant mum because none of us ended up in prison!

bigcomfypants · 24/04/2019 15:03

I was taught nothing, there were far to many of us and DM was 17 when she had me, and I am not the first. I didn't know about wiping my bum until my reception teacher told me - I remember the mortification and worry that these days teachers wouldn't get involved. I didn't know to brush my teeth, wash, change bedding etc. I had no table manners and no grooming etc. I still can't apply;y make up and struggle with eating politely. But she did teach me to read when I was 3 and she read to and with me for hours every day, and she loved me passionately and fought for my right to an exception education, she did her best. She grew up in a slum with too many siblings and drunken parents so she didn't know better, it wasn't her fault.

As a result I am fastidious and we run out of nothing, as a result DC are cavalier and tease me "OMG we only have 1 bottle of washing up liquid, around the klaxon" etc.

We all love each other, it is all we can do. I am sometimes irritated that she didn't make an effort with 'normality' but maybe I wouldn't have had the things I did in that case? I don't know.

If you have a good relationship with your mum now try to be kind, she probably tried her best.

MardyBra · 24/04/2019 15:04

I once started this thread with life skills for teenagers. www.mumsnet.com/Talk/mumsnet_classics/1806578-Life-skills-for-teenagers-what-have-I-forgotten?pg=1

HomeMadeMadness · 24/04/2019 15:04

I agree that ideally these habits would have been instilled in you as you were growing up but I don't think it's very helpful as an adult to continue to blame your mum if you struggle to keep on top of things. Lots of adults choose to have different standards to their parents.

I do think perhaps this was part of a larger pattern of neglect where you didn't feel like your needs were being met. Perhaps you didn't feel like there was an adult at home who could be relied upon if you had a problem or just to help with the everyday things that can seem overwhelming when you're young. I can totally understand having lingering feelings of resentment over that.

mbosnz · 24/04/2019 15:05

I think you're not unreasonable at all.

I have a younger family member that thinks so many things are normal - things like drunken parties with the kids around with the adults smashing things and each other up, then passing out, being given the bash by a family member and expected to take it, because they're faaaaamily, who has had to bring herself up, and teach herself the basics (I've only just found out about this, otherwise we'd never have allowed this to be happening - they lived overseas).

She's having to learn on the job, how to keep her house in a good state, how to budget, meal plan and cook, how to bring up her children well, and keep them physically and emotionally safe. How to respect herself, and look after and value herself.

I think she has every right to be furious about just how let down she was by her parents.

Her parents had no excuse. They were brought up well and provided for, and educated well by their parents. This was just how they chose to live their lives.

VladmirsPoutine · 24/04/2019 15:06

It's understandable to feel bitterness and resentful but it wouldn't be at all healthy to remain in that state. Remember that life is one long journey of learning new things. See this as an opportunity to learn and grow and become more confident in your skills and abilities. I've learned, or attempted to, learn many things from e.g. Youtube and Google.
It's not all lost.

AmphetamineGazelle · 24/04/2019 15:07

You aren't being U at all, but the positive is you are aware and are fixing things or have already done so.

outpinked · 24/04/2019 15:08

It’s too easy to blame your parents or your past generally for things. My Mum did everything for me growing up, she was very much a martyr (and still is). I had a shock when I left home and had to learn to do everything from scratch but I just got on with it.

I could have sat around blaming her for the fact I had no idea how to change bedding or a lightbulb or I could just have cracked on with learning. I chose the latter and now am very efficient at running a household.

You need to just get on with things in life and quit making excuses.

PositiveVibez · 24/04/2019 15:09

I do think yabu to blame your mum for you not 'knowing' how to keep on top of the washing and not needing to buy things when they run out.

As a pp said - these things are common sense.

I feel sorry for your mum. It sounds like she had to do everything. No wonder it got on top of her.