To be angry/embarrassed that there's so many basic things my parents didn't teach me

[Sickoffamilydrama]

This thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3568077-Do-you-have-a-separate-towel
has got me thinking.

There's so many basic things my parents (mostly my mum as my dad was never around) didn't teach me or my siblings.
As an example we always ran out of: bread, milk, loo roll, sanitary wares, shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste.
We were always late it's taken me years to learn about time keeping.
The washing up, cleaning and laundry was never kept on top of.

I understand now that my mum probably had/ has depression and couldn't cope but sometimes it's really embarrassing, stressful to not know many basic life skills innately, especially hygenie things like brushing your teeth am & pm.
It's only as I came into contact with more people I discovered what I grow up with isn't 'normal' It makes me really angry even though I'm a middle aged adult with DC of my own.

So AIBU to be angry that I have to scrabble around and learn how to do these things as an adult rather than having learned them as a child/teen and being second nature?

I once met someone who hadn't been taught to wash, clean her teeth or brush her hair. She had no normal life skills at all. It was shocking to think that this wasn't picked up by anyone.

I look back and wish my parents had been more open about money management and mental health issues but they did ok with me, especially as I was daydreaming or with my head in a book all the time.

I think it's perfectly acceptable to be angry as a part of a process, particularly when you're realising the lack.

I've got another family member, who really, has the least of any member of the family to whinge about, who, everything, but EVERYTHING comes back to being her mother's fault. Then gets aggrieved because they don't have a good relationship. . .

I'm wanting to bellow at her - For God's sake woman, you're past 50, you've got kids that you're actually not doing a crash hot job of raising yourself, LET IT GO!!!! (Oh gosh that was cathartic. How tempting. . . but no, it wouldn't be a good idea to say that to her, would it?!)

YANBU, it's healthy to acknowledge how you feel, by brushing it off your just going to only build up even more resentful. You need to take how you feel and channel it into something positive. You can't go back and change how it happened the best thing you can do now is channel that emotion into raising you DC in a more thoughtful and positive environment.

I don't think you are BU, but having said that, it doesn't get you anywhere (no more than blaming anyone else for anythin does really, does it?)

OTOH I am really grateful for having a family that taught me how to do all sorts of practical things, so IIWU I would now concentrate on passing on what you've learnt to your DC, because it will stand them in good stead no matter what.

My kids are much better at adulting than I am, I don't know who taught them!

I don't think you are BU to be angry that you grew up without the life skills you needed. In my experience the anger with parents for being inadequate can fade quickly once you acknowledge it.

I didn't get taught a lot of these things either but I don't think it's that hard to learn as an adult. You're essentially talking about personal hygiene and organisation

Wow there's to many answers to reply.
Yes I don't think it's healthy to carry the anger, I've had counselling in the past but every so often it hits me I suppose this is part of dealing with it.

Believe me I've taught myself to be timely, my house is tidy (although today not so much as I'm posting on MN instead of the non stop picking up after the kids) and we don't run out of toilet paper or toothpaste ever & I have stocked up with sanitary products for when my teen starts her periods and I'll make dame sure she never runs out.

It's actually really helpful to voice these things and go that was shit, it's hard to get my head round that as people say we were neglected as my parents clearly love us.

You need to work through it and let the anger go. My mum told me nothing about periods, just stuck a pack of sanitary towels in my chest of drawers when i was about 12, literally without saying a word. The whole experience was mortifying.

Other things which seem quite minor but are a big deal growing up... cheap shampoo (no conditioner at all!) which made my hair really stringy and horrid but that was all there was. We could only wash our hair once a week (hot water costs you know)

My mum hated cooking and never taught any of us how to even boil an egg. Other life skills like budgeting, travel - I had to learn all these after leaving home. I had the double disadvantage of going to a pretty shit school too!

Some of it was lack of money, some of it different values from a different era, but all in all I do wonder how I managed to learn anything. The most important lesson it’s taught me is that you have to look forward not back. I expect their own parents had many failings too, so all one can do is try to break the cycle.

We only washed our hair once a week but I think that was normal in the 1970s and earlier and I never used conditioner.

I thnk it just depends on extremes - a chaotic family who cannot do things on time must be awful but cleaning your teeth once a day ( as I do) is not in my view (we all differ) an issue.

I dunno, I feel like I had a normal happy childhood. But I was never taught to
Brush my teeth
Wash properly
Anything about periods
Anything about relationships or sex
Ride a bike
Swim
Drive
My parents never read to me or even put me to bed properly; I basically went when I felt like. I had a TV in my room and watched what I liked, when I liked (I’m 54 so this was unusual). If computer games and the internet had been invented I’d have been all over them.

I had loads of toys and trendy clothes and everyone was kind and happy, so total benign neglect really. They bought me books and took me to museums when I asked them to, they happily waved me off to the uni I’d sorted out for myself, all of which was outside their experience.

I can’t complain, but I do have crap teeth.

Are you really angry about the things you didn't learn, or are you expressing anger at having not been cared for properly as a child? FWIW I think you have every right to feel angry about that. People do have different ways of living and no one way is "normal" but it does sound as if you were neglected.

I feel similar OP

It's not awful when compared to abuse/neglect, not even close, but I do feel a bit cheated.

My mum hated housework and the house would have been a complete shit tip if it hadn't been for my dad who was super-tidy and would wash up etc when he got in from work.

I left home not knowing:
How to cook
How to sew/mend/fix/repair anything
That you had to clean ovens/fridges etc
Timekeeping
How to shop
How to organise anything
That your clothes should kind of look ironed. Especially for work/school
That you would do well to get on top of this shit the day before
Knew nothing about periods, sex, relationships

I was an only child, was loved and close to my parents, but whilst I had a lot of friends and possibly too much freedom, I actually knew little of 'family life'.

And so on and so forth.

Nothing life threatening but I was embarrassed when I realised how little I knew.

I've worked in school and sometimes you do have to wonder why some people have kids when they're not equipped with the skills. You often see multiple generations come through where they have learning difficulties/mental health issues and genetics being the bastard that it is gives them children that also have complex needs but the parent is unable to meet them because of their own difficulties. And they have lots of children. I can think of 2 families like this where each generation has lots of children. What's the answer?

I understand what you're saying OP. I kind of feel the same. It's only really now looking back as an adult with children of my own that I can see now my mum probably has either some mental health problems, learning difficulties or probably both. My childhood was chaotic, we were always late for school, my mum was completely incapable of cooking for us, we frequently ran out of essentials because my mum couldn't get her shit together and go to the shop before it shut. I have a vague recollection of social services involvement when I was young.

I do blame my parents, my dad worked away a lot. But I also feel sorry for my mum especially because I know how bloody hard it is with kids. I've learned how to do lots on my own and it drives me crazy now that there are people out there who aren't as self sufficient as I am. I'm in danger of driving myself insane trying to be the opposite of my parents though. I am obsessive about having a tidy house, anxious about being on time, stressed about making sure we always have enough of the essentials. And always put my kids first to my own detriment.

Sometimes it's the old adage of "If you can't be a good example at least be a terrible warning"

I was left to shift for myself mostly, but I can remember each individual mortification of things that I didn't know/know how to do when everyone else did.

When I had children every single one of those things were taught/explained and I encouraged where I was never encouraged and I supported where I never was.

My parents made me into a much better mother than I would have been.. even if it was unintentional.

As ever this comes back to the selfishness of the baby boomers.

They had kids, but were too busy having their “glamorous” (sic) 70s affairs or otherwise wrapped up in themselves to teach their kids basic skills.

Now (having bought their 4-bedroom houses for £500 in 1975) they don’t sell up to help their kids buy their own home, they pretend to be baffled why their kids can’t afford to buy (“You must be spending all your money on Deliveroo rather than saving like we did!”)

Their message is I’m all right Jack, but also they'll judge you if you can’t do the things they had taught to them by their parents.

I had a similar kind of experience where we were left to sort things for ourselves, mother never really took an interest in her dds so we drifted with no idea what to do about things like deodorants, sanitary protection, shaving legs, etc. She wasn't interested in our academic progress and didn't care that we had no social life - in fact we got shouted at for going to friends' houses as they lived somewhere she didn't approve of (and voiced the fact she thought friend was "common") and we never had a sleepover at anyone's, ever. Brothers had far more notice and support, so it did rankle.

I found that I was filled with resentment regarding hosting, of all things: mum never taught us anything about looking after guests, so many of the things I should have done weren't, because I had no idea I should. But I can't actually blame her for that - much as I'd like to - because I suspect she has Asperger's and a lot of social skills, body language and visual cues are utterly foreign to her. So she could not teach me skills/notions she had no clue of herself. (And with autism myself, I would struggle to learn easily anyway)

I have had to make my own way, find out as much as I can through other avenues, and ultimately find some peace, instead of being roiled up about things that cannot be changed.

YANBU

My mum had depression and money troubles. Only as a teen and young adult did I realise what, clean, ordered lives others lead.

I was never taken to a doctor or dentist, never had a haircut, sex and periods never mentioned- I wasn't parented basically. Those of you saying YABU, it's just a towel are missing the point. The towel is one tiny example, taken together with dozens of other things, that mean OPs mum neglected to teach her societal norms.

Thank you for those that have understood and shared their experiences, it's good to know I'm not alone especially as it wasn't as visible as some food of neglect are.

Yes @MotherOfDragonite It is anger/sadness for the child that didn't have those things that I believe every child has a right too especially the emotional side.

Not to drip feed but emotionally they weren't very good either, I had a plan at about 10 for when my dad killed my mum how I'd escape with my siblings because they argued so much.

As

I think when you have children yourself, it kind of hits you just how crap some aspects of how you were parented were. And there's something of a grieving process - with part of that grieving process being anger, for the child you were, not having experienced what you as a parent come to see as a fundamental basic that a child should be provided by a parent.

OP is sounds like you feel neglected by your parents and that is hard to cope with - even as an adult it can sting. Feeling you don't know how to do basic things can affect your self confidence...but you can teach yourself and the internet has made all that very easy and you will know and understand the importance of teaching your kids how to look after themselves.

As one gets older, other people’s shortcomings and blind spots become increasingly visible, and none more so than those of one’s own parents and more particularly when those shortcomings influenced their multiple parenting decisions.

Parents cannot teach you what they do not themselves know how to do. If they are aware of their own limitations they can employ other people to teach you things they don’t themselves know bit deem important. But if they are not aware of their own limitations there is not much they can do...

I think its too easy to ''remember'' the bad bits , or rather bits we choose to remember

I'm not sure it is common sense to know that sheets get changed if you grow up in an environment where they don't. A lot of parenting is leading by example or modelling the behaviour you want so if no one is modelling that these things happen its hard to pick up.

One remembers the “bad bits” because of the feelings of embarrassment/shame/inadequacy that are provoked by not knowing how to do something that most people do know how to do.