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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To be angry/embarrassed that there's so many basic things my parents didn't teach me

140 replies

Sickoffamilydrama · 24/04/2019 14:22

This thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3568077-Do-you-have-a-separate-towel
has got me thinking.

There's so many basic things my parents (mostly my mum as my dad was never around) didn't teach me or my siblings.
As an example we always ran out of: bread, milk, loo roll, sanitary wares, shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste.
We were always late it's taken me years to learn about time keeping.
The washing up, cleaning and laundry was never kept on top of.

I understand now that my mum probably had/ has depression and couldn't cope but sometimes it's really embarrassing, stressful to not know many basic life skills innately, especially hygenie things like brushing your teeth am & pm.
It's only as I came into contact with more people I discovered what I grow up with isn't 'normal' It makes me really angry even though I'm a middle aged adult with DC of my own.

So AIBU to be angry that I have to scrabble around and learn how to do these things as an adult rather than having learned them as a child/teen and being second nature?

OP posts:
sueelleker · 24/04/2019 18:16

mum2three0
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LuluBellaBlue · 24/04/2019 18:18

I think it’s more that, to paraphrase Carrie Fisher, “Resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die”. Much more mentally healthy to try and let it go and move on.

FFS! So the OP isn’t allowed to have these feelings, discuss them and move on? Is she just meant to keep quiet about them?
Resentment / anger / disappointment/ frustration ARE GOOD things to acknowledge, feel and then release!

Writing this down and exploring this is clearly a therapeutic way of doing this otherwise what is the point on Mumsnet!!! Confused

Springwalk · 24/04/2019 18:20

OP you were pretty neglected, forget about learning anything! So you are most definitely not U at all.

I think what you are really saying is in addition to getting an education (with no help whatsoever with home work, and very little if any interest in your attainment) that you started out defenceless, having to gather life skills very quickly and haphazardly before the lack of them could ruin your life. It is a setback we can do without. We are already it feels, at a massive disadvantage to those that were raised carefully and properly with all the life skills they needed. Those children tend to be able to avoid what should be obvious mistakes too....

I intend to do the following before my dds are 18, and have started on a good many of them already, because I hope I can give them the best chance possible to eat well, know how to dress and self care and look after themselves. After all I have got this far in caring for them, I see it as finishing the job of motherhood. Equipping them with the best toolkit possible:

Teach them to care for their bodies, and the meaning of a loving relationship (and more to the point what isn't) To know what first dates are best done during the day at lunch/coffee/etc in public places. Wait for a good long while before committing in any way.

To drive

Cook healthy food and know how to follow a basic recipe (I still can't!)

Sew buttons and repair clothes (I am hopeless, I need to rope in DH on this)

First Aid - advanced.

To ask for second opinions, if needed, especially with doctors if something does not feel right

Be assertive

Self defence and managing city life, and not to smile sweetly at everyone on the tube :) (we live in the country)

Budget and financial responsibility

Good organisation skills for time keeping, appointments, health checks and lists.

A routine for food shopping, housekeeping, house maintenance and bill paying - it truly works wonders. It took me ten years to master this!

How to dress properly for different events and occasions such as weddings, parties, garden parties, office wear and nights out. Make up variations if they want to wear it, neither do currently. Importance of good hair conditioners, skin care routine, clean razors, hair cuts and dental apps.

How to do the laundry, what to iron and what does not need to be. How to iron properly.

Health checks. Smears can never be missed. How to do a breast check in the shower every day.

Good mental health using meditation and relaxation. Know when to ask for help, and how.

Ability to say no, and mean it.

How to apologise (and when not to)

Men, the good, the bad and the bloody downright psychos and how to spot them!

If you really consider the volume of information needed, it is mind boggling, but over a few years certainly not impossible. Breaking it down from age ten upwards.

My grandmother taught my mother everything from cooking to housekeeping, for some reason only known to herself, my mother didn't teach me a thing. She simply left me to it.

I don't hold a grudge, at all, but I do wish she had considered helping me. She seemed to take quiet delight in my failings when I was fledgling, which in itself is not that kind in hindsight. I think she still wanted to feel needed, but really a good parent gives her dc every chance to succeed in life, without falling flat on their faces jumping the smallest of hurdles (using a washing machine with the interview shirt for the following day for instance) If we can just do some of those things we will have helped our dc no end when the time comes for them to leave us.

Broadbrimmedhat · 24/04/2019 18:23

My mother and father always had enough money for the priorities - booze and fags but didn't have enough money for example - to buy my sister a extra pair of knickers - ie more than one and they didn't have enough money for me to own more than one pair of trousers - but they think they were great parents - too drunk to remember the shit they put us through and when confronted by my sister about it, went into full blown denial - they accused my sister of having mental health issues.

I blow hot and cold on the whole forgiveness thing - I'd like to but it's so bloody hard especially as they are sober now and have rewritten the story in their heads and are now convinced they were amazing parents!

Marilynmansonsthermos · 24/04/2019 18:24

I know exactly what you mean op. My parents weren't abusive, just really lazy..? Uninvolved..not sure how to describe it. Mum never showed me or talked to me about periods, never gave me Sanitary wear, took me to buy bra etc. I just seemed to be forgotten. One of many kids. We were never taught anything really just left to our own devices from age 12. I did get a shock when I grew up and realised how many skills people around me had learned from their parents.. cooking, washing etc. I am very capable now but everything I've learned is self taught.

Preggosaurus9 · 24/04/2019 18:27

I envy people with tidy clean houses. I have no sense of what's normal as far as tidying and cleaning goes. DM lives in grubby chaos. I hate it and hate my house being like that but feel helpless. It should be so easy and obvious how to make sure kitchen counters are clear for example. But there's always piles of stuff, bank statements, swimming stuff, fruit, pens... I go through phases of blitzing and getting in control and phases of just giving up because I don't know where to put everything. Doing the Marie Kondo method helped but after 3 months it was back to square one and I felt even more depressed than before. It doesn't help that I feel my house isn't very nice and quite small.

That was a bit of a ramble but I get it, OP. It's frustration. Things that other people take for granted that just seem impossible. The slightly awkward look they give you if you try to talk about it. It wears you down.

Marilynmansonsthermos · 24/04/2019 18:35

Interesting that alot of us had parents with issues like alcohol and depression. It was same for me. Hippy parents who smoked too much weed. They didn't have the energy to teach us things..unless you've had that kind of childhood you can't really understand!

TinklyLittleLaugh · 24/04/2019 18:39

We are obviously on the same page here Lulu . But I don’t think that people are minimising what the OP is saying, I think most posters are listening, but then encouraging her to move on.

Venting and discussing is healthy, but at some point you say, “It is what it is” and move on. Accepting what you cannot change.

StroppyWoman · 24/04/2019 18:57

I'm sorry you had a tough time, OP.

I think it's perfectly reasonable and normal to feel anger. As an adult you're discovering gaps, information you feel "everybody knows", skill shortfalls you weren't aware of.

I also know from experience that once you've expressed that anger and addressed why you feel hurt about aspects of your past, it's important to let it go and move forward. Once you've let go of that anger you can accept them as the flawed parents they were, not the parents you wish they had been. It's a lot better for your mental health, believe me.

I'm sure you're doing fine. We all muddle along as best we can (and my 6 year old asked my mother what she was holding because he's never seen one. It was an iron. Oops. I'd rather read than do laundry)

notangelinajolie · 24/04/2019 19:07

I do understand you OP but ...

As an example we always ran out of: bread, milk, loo roll, sanitary wares, shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste.
We were always late it's taken me years to learn about time keeping.
The washing up, cleaning and laundry was never kept on top of

Non of these things are really important in the grand scheme of things. In a perfectly orderly stepford housewife world they would be but in mine they aren't top of my list. We have a happy home with lots of laughter, tea is ready when it's ready, beds aren't always made but the sheets are clean. We always run out of something (usually toilet paper) and someone in this house uses half a bottle of shampoo every time they wash their hair. I don't hoover daily but we're generally tidy ish

I wouldn't call any of those things signs that you had a bad upbringing. I think we all make our mind up how we want to live our lives and as long as we don't hurt anyone along the way then we're good to go.

LittleAndOften · 24/04/2019 19:18

I suffered with clinical depression at university and throughout my 20s (still have blips from time to time, and I'm much older now). Much of this (but not all) came from my inability to cope after I left home, which left me feeling hopelessly overwhelmed. I had absolutely no idea how to take care of myself, I discovered I was clueless about basic domestic things, organisation, money management, even personal hygiene. It caused huge problems with housemates in shared accommodation. My parents discussed none of these life skills with me, just the basics like keeping on top of laundry and washing up caused me huge difficulties.

Even now they are laid back to the point that they live in a pretty filthy, messy house and seem to shower only once a week. It wasn't until DH drew attention to how they lived that I even began to notice an issue, as I had nothing to compare it to.

These domestic problems weren't the cause of my depression, that was more to do with chronic low self esteem and a belief that my worth was based solely on my achievements (thanks CBT), plus a guilt-ridden Christian indoctrination. However whenever I feel low the domestic stuff is always the first thing to go, even now, and it's a cause of problems in my relationship.

I have forgiven my parents because they have given me many gifts, and they are essentially kind and well-meaning. However all of my mental health issues stem from they way they brought me up, and my poor preparation for adult life.

PinguDance · 24/04/2019 19:24

“beds aren't always made but the sheets are clean”

I think this is pretty normal and not the sort of - leaving used sanitary towels in the laundry basket for weeks due to genuinely not realising that was gross- level of unpreparedness some young adults unfortunately experience. That was a girl who I shared a flag with on a year abroad - in retrospect I think she must have really lacked basic life skills but at the time I just thought she was gross.

BethanyGilbert · 24/04/2019 19:27

My mum was a fabulous mum. The best there is but I still had to teach myself how to budget etc. I could ask her for advice but she didn’t specifically teach it.

HermioneWeasley · 24/04/2019 19:30

You are not unreasonable- the things you describe are part of a parent’s job and responsibilities.

Prequelle · 24/04/2019 19:30

My parents didn't teach me these things either, my mum was depressed and suicidal and my dad had to work 3 jobs so nothing was done and the house was a shit hole.

I didn't get taught, but I knew instinctively that things needed doing so stepped up and did them. Thats followed me into adult hood.

Tinkobell · 24/04/2019 19:32

This thread is making me feel very ill at ease about whether or not I've taught MY own DC's anything at all about self sufficiency .....it does sound like the OP's parents were verging on neglectful though.

Nofilter101 · 24/04/2019 19:32

I think some of these replies are harsh. It's very difficult when you haven't been taught the basics, but you do have to take responsibility and teach your self. The first step is recognising ut and the second is working on it.

Bookworm4 · 24/04/2019 19:59

I think we are heading to a generation of kids completely unprepared for life; not through neglect but through over invested clingy parents. My DD13 is very self sufficient but has friends who aren't allowed to touch anything in the kitchen, have no idea of the price of anything, do not know how to get themselves anywhere i.e. into town on a bus.

Shrewbie · 24/04/2019 20:10

Well done for coping and learning though. Human development is always pinned on improving for our children what we experienced if possible, we are programmed to do better for our children. YANBU. I feel like this with feminine activities. My nails have always been a state as my DM bit hers to shreds so I never got taught how to look after them, but I did learn not to bite as I was so repulsed by hers! I still forget to keep on top of them but wish I had habits taught earlier so it'd be second nature to me now. DM also never got rid of body hair, I was told to buy my own razors as a teenager as she wouldn't start buying them for me!!! Tbh she really didnt have any body care routine (e.g. regular moisturising etc) so I've had to teach myself but you learn as you go. I'm annoyed as I've had friends who've had this through better relationships with their mothers and I feel slightly left out on that front. So in terms of not being brought up in a traditionally run household being annoying that's all it is just make sure you do better for your kids.

Shrewbie · 24/04/2019 20:13

Remember even in the animal kingdom some mother's just forget they have kids and don't mother as they should.

ethelfleda · 24/04/2019 20:31

I have absolutely no nice memories of time with my mother.
Every memory I have is of her either ignoring me, emotionally blackmailing me or hitting me over the head and telling me I was stupid.
As soon as I was in high school she stopped cooking dinner for me. Sent me in to school with £1 for lunch (we needed £1.50 when I was in high school) which I spent on chocolate... every single day. Never made sure I had breakfast. I washed and ironed my own clothes. Never took any interest in my school work or home work or what I would do when I finished.
Once when I was about 6, my parents let me wonder off on my own at a very busy water park and I nearly drowned. Another time when I was 10, they let me lie in the sun with no cream all day. I got terrible sunburn and also got heatstroke - had the shakes and was dizzy etc - they left me alone in the hotel room that night and went out anyway.
I only realised all this stuff wasn’t normal when I fell pregnant with DS just over 2 years ago. I am still trying to come to terms with it.

ethelfleda · 24/04/2019 20:34

To this day, if I do something wrong I will see red and hit myself over the head and tell myself what a stupid bitch I am etc.
I can’t seem to stop hating myself!!

Sickoffamilydrama · 24/04/2019 21:00

Ok so whilst I've been busy with the kids everyone's been busy replying to me.

Thank you to everyone even the negative stop whining brigade, don't worry I definitely don't use my upbringing as an excuse to fail my children or for my failings.

As some have recognised it's really helpful to express these feelings and I'm glad that it appears I've triggered other people to question or reflect on their childhood.

I certainly thought I'd processed this a few years ago but clearly I haven't although it could be because I'm now experiencing some health problems that a probably due to an underlying condition that I've had problems with since early teens and frankly my parents should have got me support for it then. I know I would have pushed for some explanation of it was one of my children.

Part of the health condition means I experience frequent episodes of pain and recently I had an epiphany of why the hell have I put up with this for so long and not sought help, partially this will be because as a child/teen I was just left in pain and expected to just get on with it. I'm not talking about minor things either each time it involved a hospital visit.

I'd be interested to know how people do get past the anger apart from acknowledging it?

OP posts:
Sickoffamilydrama · 24/04/2019 21:12

@ethelfleda I hadn't seen your post when I did mine.
Reading it made me tearful for the little girl you were I wish I could go back and hold you tight, you must have been so scared Flowers

I hope talking about it helps, it definitely is for me.

OP posts:
EmeraldShamrock · 24/04/2019 21:59

I think DC are better looked after, though they have much more self awareness. I also chat with my DC about why I like to give them an organised supported upbringing, mainly so the little farts learn, life skills don't just happen.

Excellent list breakdown from Springwalk

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