To be angry/embarrassed that there's so many basic things my parents didn't teach me

[Sickoffamilydrama]

This thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3568077-Do-you-have-a-separate-towel
has got me thinking.

There's so many basic things my parents (mostly my mum as my dad was never around) didn't teach me or my siblings.
As an example we always ran out of: bread, milk, loo roll, sanitary wares, shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste.
We were always late it's taken me years to learn about time keeping.
The washing up, cleaning and laundry was never kept on top of.

I understand now that my mum probably had/ has depression and couldn't cope but sometimes it's really embarrassing, stressful to not know many basic life skills innately, especially hygenie things like brushing your teeth am & pm.
It's only as I came into contact with more people I discovered what I grow up with isn't 'normal' It makes me really angry even though I'm a middle aged adult with DC of my own.

So AIBU to be angry that I have to scrabble around and learn how to do these things as an adult rather than having learned them as a child/teen and being second nature?

Mine meant well, I was well loved but it was down to a lack of education on my parent's part, and some of it was passed on through the generations. So DM didn't know that children should brush their teeth. She assumed that baby teeth were unimportant to clean as they only fell out anyway. She herself had terrible dental hygiene - brought about by her childhood of poverty and poor nutrition and no dental hygeine because nobody showed her. She was wearing dentures by her thirties. Her mother, my grandmother was from a wealthy background but it was a distant widowed father that reared her so it's a good chance her personal hygiene was left to herself to figure out.
These days we are luckier in that we have the internet to read up on for rearing our children. We can google videos to show kids how to brush their teeth, or collect nutritional recipes for weaning or lunches rather than just relying on what we remember from our own childhoods and advice.

.. ah posted too soon... and remind myself that not everyone gets taught the basics.

I kind of get what you’re saying OP.
My parents didn’t teach me about oral hygiene and I didn’t learn that I was supposed to brush my teeth twice a day until much older than I should have been. Have had terrible teeth as a result.
They also didn’t teach me to wash my hands after going to the toilet! Obviously I do this stuff now but shouldn’t have learned when much younger!

YANBU. You're saying your mum was depressed and perhaps didn't care enough about herself to do the things we do for ourselves and each other to nurture ourselves and show we are valued. I get what you're saying. I did no housework etc when I was a kid - both parents had been members of large families where they were put upon and didn't want their kids to do anything like that. But I found it very easy to cook, clean for myself when I left home, have a routine, budget etc, because I'd been brought up knowing those are things you do for yourself and each other as self-care. My best friend's mum was chaotic and it didn't come from a good place. So friend had to take care of herself from young age, but still, in her 50s, finds it hard to cook for herself or look after herself when ill because of those early experiences. Well done for being angry, it has taken her 30 years to do so. It isn't about saying your mum was at fault, but it is about saying you deserved more and you can be angry about that.
Now start setting alarms, work out a daily timetable, tick stuff off a daily list - you feel great! - and treat yourself to a nice hot meal at the end of every day.

My ten year old googled “how to run a bath” the first time I asked her to run one for herself. I’m not joking. It made me realise that I was neglecting teaching her practical stuff and I have since remedied that. It wasn’t purposely done, the bath thing was because both children would bath on the same night so her brother would always start running her one once his had drained, she’d never had to do it in her life.

My Mum had me doing all housework and childcare from age 8 onwards so I found it very easy to run a home. I’m terrible with money though and they couldn’t have cared less about school so I had no support and just fell further and further behind and left to get a job at 16. They didn’t care.

Important to find a balance.

yabu many of these things are self taught and others learned in school. When we reach a certain age we decide what we need/want to learn and go do it. You can be shown how to do something but you are still responsible for learning how to yourself.

Yanbu

I've had a similar experience and yeah learning how to do basic life things as an adult while everyone else is just getting on with it is embarrassing and exhausting!

Often I feel like a teenager when I look around and see how things are done badly or kept poorly but that is the only way I know how to do it.

You can still have love for your parents and feel short-changed in areas of life that they didn't prepare you for.
That being said one day my children will probably look back and say the same in some ways but I hope things like doing the bins or why personal hygiene is important are things I have taught them

I don't remember ever being taught those things, I just picked it up as I went along. Most of them are just common sense. My mum was no cook, she worked full time and we didn't have much money.

How to read between the lines and critically analyze information and not believe everything they read or hear. How to form their beliefs by a process of logical deduction from facts and not jump to conclusions.

Sorry wrong thread! Thought it was the things teenagers should be taught thread

You're an adult/parent yourself now and it is your responsibility to raise your kids, whining oh my mother never taught me this doesn't wash with me. I had a really shitty childhood and determined to put it behind me and do better for my DC. You had the benefit of a good education and I'm sure at school as with most; you learn about hygiene and general every day skills.
As an adult you are the person you choose to be.

YABU

It's struck a serious nerve with me!
We run out of bread all the time. My kids complain there's never enough juice. I've resorted to long life milk. The last day or two before a shop, my fridge is seriously sad looking.
I worry constantly that I've not taught my children enough. I became a single parent 10 years ago, and I've done the absolute best I can do.

I think many of us parent in reaction to the parenting we had.
My mum was horrifically abused, which included being left to go hungry. She feels she did a great job because we always had food to eat and a safe place to sleep.
She did the best we can.

So, I was fed and sheltered, but was unloved, and unwanted. It's had an effect, but she did the best she could.

My kids are fed, sheltered, and they know that they are loved and so so wanted. I mess up, but I try and make sure they know that that my f ups are not their fault.
I'm doing the best I can, but I do worry that I've not taught them enough.

We all just do the very best we can.

Just remembering how much personal hygiene drilling DD2 needed in her mid teen depressed emo stage. I was determined she wouldn’t be the smelly girl and hounded her into the shower and clean clothes every day. My parents would have left me to rot if I wanted to rot.

You feel what you feel. Mine were abusive, not just neglectful. My view is I'm an adult and soon as I got out then I was responsible and it was down to me. Which was beyond fantastic.

So I do feel you're unreasonable,I know for a fact you can learn to do these things. And quite easily. Your mother was mentally ill. Not simply malicious. But as said, you feel what you feel and you need to do you.

We had plenty of talks at school about hygiene and cleaning your teeth twice a day-I’m quite surprised you didn’t have that drummed into you then. Did you mention your age?

I’m seriously shocked by the YABU responses on here!!

If the OP wrote:
There’s some young children I know.
They don’t have toilet paper for days on end.
No toothpaste to brush their teeth.
No clean clothes.

You would all be shouting that’s neglect!
But because it’s AIBU you want to have a dig at the OP for her natural feelings of anger and disappointment at her upbringing.

OP YADNBU!

I understand OP. My parents utterly adore my DD and nothing is too much trouble for her. However they neglected me and would shout and slap to just about the line of abuse. I didnt have clothes that fit well and only ever 2 outfits to interchange washed every other day, they resented taking me to the doctors and only did when it was a serious accident. I had several untreated chest infections and asthma until the school asked for me to be taken to the GP. We werent taught to brush our teeth at night, how to dress well, socialise, budget or eat/cook healthy food. My DM brought us microwave chips and pizzas for breakfast because it was easier. I now understand that as childminders (I know right) they were so heavily invested in other people's children they were too busy to notice us. We may as well have had 10 siblings. This also required a high level of work on my part so I really struggle work life balance now and making my own decisions but there werent time for discussions about what I wanted or needed. It makes me angry but at least I can find some acceptance and vow never to fall into that trap with DD. Both me and my DB have accessed therapy.

I know what you mean OP. My mum had severe mental health issues and is an alcoholic so we didn’t stand a chance really. But we did go into decent foster care which made a massive difference.
As a result I’m quite paranoid at ensuring the dcs are well cared for although the house is a shit tip! (It’s clean and tidy mostly)

Your post OP has caused a lot of people on here to examine their own parenting and they don't like the idea of their kids criticising their parenting...

I feel most sad that my parents taught me nothing about sex or relationships. It was always "you're too young for that" or "you'll be too busy working for that" until I left home. School sex education was almost non-existent, and I wasn't allowed to go to some of it, again because it was deemed unsuitable.

It took me some terrible relationships and issues around my body before I finally found out the stuff that I feel I should have at least been allowed to read about, as part of emotional development.

I don't feel bitter. But it just would have saved a lot of time and given me so much more confidence, so I'm making sure to do the opposite as a parent, give books and be open and approachable about it before adulthood, rather than treat it like something shameful and wrong.

We often ran out of basics too but my mother always had wine, fags & luxury food items. I had to have 4 teeth removed at 13 due to decay, not sure why SS didn’t step in then! Sorry you feel this way OP

because it’s AIBU you want to have a dig at the OP for her natural feelings of anger and disappointment at her upbringing.

I think it’s more that, to paraphrase Carrie Fisher, “Resentment is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die”. Much more mentally healthy to try and let it go and move on.

The one thing that really gets me is I was never taught how to use a tin opener!
I've tried to Google it but just can't get it.
This is the state of the tin, usually I just bash it until it gives in but tonight I just cba.
I was never taught about periods or about sex. Everything I've learnt has come from the internet.

I also don't know how to iron, sow, change a tire or put water or oil into a car (nor does my mum tbh she goes to a garage for those things!!)

yabu many of these things are self taught and others learned in school

They’re self taught when you see them happening around you and it sinks in via osmosis. But if your parents aren’t doing the basic care for you (or themselves), then actually how can you absorb it?

It’s hard to explain unless you’ve experienced a shit childhood.

It's totally understandable you're angry. I wasn't taught making mistakes is normal. Perfect was the expectation. Nothing less would do. Every single normal life mistake children & teens make, however minor was a huge and I mean huge drama. So I learnt no coping strategy except blame myself & grovel for 'failing' . Which isn't healthy. It anihilates you because you feel everyone else knows this stuff & you don't. The reality is other people have 'stuff' missing too.