To be angry/embarrassed that there's so many basic things my parents didn't teach me

[Sickoffamilydrama]

This thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/_chat/3568077-Do-you-have-a-separate-towel
has got me thinking.

There's so many basic things my parents (mostly my mum as my dad was never around) didn't teach me or my siblings.
As an example we always ran out of: bread, milk, loo roll, sanitary wares, shampoo, conditioner, toothpaste.
We were always late it's taken me years to learn about time keeping.
The washing up, cleaning and laundry was never kept on top of.

I understand now that my mum probably had/ has depression and couldn't cope but sometimes it's really embarrassing, stressful to not know many basic life skills innately, especially hygenie things like brushing your teeth am & pm.
It's only as I came into contact with more people I discovered what I grow up with isn't 'normal' It makes me really angry even though I'm a middle aged adult with DC of my own.

So AIBU to be angry that I have to scrabble around and learn how to do these things as an adult rather than having learned them as a child/teen and being second nature?

For fuck’s sake ADrop I’m a boomer myself. My neglectful parents are preboomers.

Sorry to spoil your bitter little narrative.

Like other people on the thread I’ve possibly over parented my crew. I’ve been obsessive about bedtime reading and teeth cleaning and about them having all the right skills; swimming and cycling and the rest.

I was with young adult DS1 the other day for a formal sort of appointment and when he was introduced to the professional who was dealing with us he stepped forward, looked him in the eye, shook his hand, smiled and said, “Pleased to meet you.” Probably seems a small thing to you middle class mumsnetters but the socially inept little kid that’s buried deep inside me just about burst with pride. I said to DH that our work here is done now.

Parents cannot teach you what they do not themselves know how to do. If they are aware of their own limitations they can employ other people to teach you things they don’t themselves know bit deem important. But if they are not aware of their own limitations there is not much they can do.

I do get where you're coming from.

My parents did an awful lot in the way of the classic stately homes and Greek and Roman literature etc etc. I had to go to university, no question. But literally fuck all in terms of real advice of what to do with that education. When it came to navigating the job market as a graduate, they refused to support careers they didn't approve of (and actually witheld money to me that was a gift from my aunt that I could use myself), yet had eff all knowledge of what was available. Aslo relevant - lived in the countryside and I had zero access to any form of job or transport without their support.

They thought they were doing the right thing (I actually ended up in a godawful first job!), they thought they were giving the right advice. It's left me wanting to not necessarily have all the answers for my own kids in the future, but to make sure they know how to find out what options are available, what that will mean for education, for salary, for work-life balance and make an informed decision, that I'll support.

For you OP
They fuck you up your mum and dad,
They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had
And add some extra, just for you.

But they were fucked up in their turn
By fools in old-style hats and coats,

Who half the time were soppy-stern
And half at one another’s throats.

Man hands on misery to man.
It deepens like a coastal shelf.
Get out as early as you can,
And don’t have any kids yourself.

Philip LArkin "this be the verse"

It’s too easy to blame your parents or your past generally for things. My Mum did everything for me growing up, she was very much a martyr (and still is). I had a shock when I left home and had to learn to do everything from scratch but I just got on with it

But you grew up knowing that bedding needed to be washed, meals needed to be cooked, table manners mattered, bums needed to be wiped etc, the OP and others are saying they didn't know these things had to be done.

I understand because I've known people who grew up in dysfunctional homes. My mum was like yours.

I don’t remember my parents formally teaching me anything. I just seemed to learn by osmosis or example. For instance, ‘helping’ Mum make pastry, Yorkshire puddings, cooking generally. Being given little jobs to do. Ie. polishing our very shiny walnut sideboard. Nobody taught me how to manage money as such, just the basic principles ie. not spending more than you have/can afford. I’m a dab hand at DIY but it’s pretty much self-taught. The rest, you learn as you go unless you live in a bubble. You can’t always blame others for your shortcomings.

Mt dm was a super organised house keeper. She had learnt all that in home economics In school. Fab at baking/ crafting/ shopping lists etc. I completely ignored her efforts to teach me and spent my time with my head stuck in a book or writing out words to pop songs off the radio.
So l really had to search my memory to do basic stuff when l got my own home. I dread to think what my DC would say l have taught them as again they don't see the big deal.

I know how you feel. I was mostly brought up by my Nana until I was almost a teenager and lived in a tidy clean house. When my mum finished her training and we needed less taking care of the house was clean but messy and cluttered. I hated it and had to teach myself about tidying and decluttering.

Seems minor but a messy house really affects me. I don't want my children to feel the same but I find it hard to keep on top of clutter as I wasn't really shown how.

My parents were similar. I like to think they didn't know much better from their upbringing.
Thankfully we learn and grow. I believe it is the judgement of others that makes me feel sad and reflect on all I didn't have in my upbringing.
It helps if you think they did what they could, do better for yours. I think most DC will judge their parent at one time.

She had learnt all that in home economics In school.

School probably would do well to teach more of what we now consider “life skills”.

You're not really being unreasonable and those who haven't been abused don't get it. I have been thinking about this when I left home when I was 16 I had no skills and seriously neglected my first flat to the point I burn with shame when I think back to it. Fast forward 13 years ago I now keep a semi-decent and tidy home. ( I am never going to win awards for it but still)

However, I don't really blame my parents for this. If I measure the damage they did in other areas then this is just a minor thing in the grand scheme of things at least to me. Do I wish my mum had taught me to cook? Sometimes. I ended up teaching myself thanks to Slimming world.

@mummmy2017, no need to be so fucking smug. It must be great to be perfect

I honestly think that as adults we all have to reach a point in our lives where we stop blaming our parents for all the things they didn't do, or did do but fucked up. If you don't at least come to terms with this and move on you'll carry this bitterness with you forever and it will poison you. If you need to go and talk to someone to help you move on from this, do, but at this stage of life I really think it's time you let this one go. Your parents were crap. It's fine to acknowledge that. But it's also time to say to yourself 'But I survived and have thrived and have taught myself all the stuff they either didn't or couldn't or wouldn't and I'm proud of that'.

I get what your saying and there are plenty who had worse than me.
But other people having it worse, doesn’t make it any easier for you. It’s not a race to the bottom.

My mother never taught me proper dental hygiene. She told me that the dentist would put a handkerchief over my face and I would go to sleep. I was terrified and wouldn't visit the surgery. Consequently I have suffered in later life with the old gnashers.
If I did anything wrong.,which was often it was never explained to me what exactly Id done that was so wrong. I just got a smack instead. Mostly administered by my dad. I grew up hating him.... Sorry.. I think Iv hijacked this thread fir a bit of a whinge

I think some posters have been incredibly unkind and are clearly lacking in any understanding how bad things can be when you don't have a lovely childhood.

I never had parents so wasn't taught how to run a home at all. I had to learn quick when I became a live in nanny and then when I got my own place. I'm bright but there are still things I probably don't know I should do so many times a week, month, year etc but tbh today for me is about staying alive.

My mother is blooming super woman and always got everything right and perfect. I’m fecking useless. I can’t keep on top of anything. So my mum’s skills clearly didn’t rub off on me at all...

There are an awful lot of people who are strong, sturdy, capable, functioning adults who are very good parents in spite of their parents, rather than because of them, that's for sure.

Be proud that you are one of them, OP (and all the others that applies to on the thread!)

I think the main thing I didn't get from my parents was any social or relationship skills. They didn't have any and neither do I. But like pp said, they can't teach or show you what they don't know.

Unfortunately I'm doing the same for my dc. I wish everyday I wasn't, but what can I do? I'm an awkward person with no friends, I've tried changing and it hasn't worked. My personality is boring. I can't show or feel affection and no partner has ever felt it for me or wanted to show me any. So they are going to grow up the same way and I feel terribly sad about that.

Maybe your parents felt the same way about the lack of tidying etc. They felt bad but didn't know what else to do.

One of my best friends growing up was my child carers daughter. Her mum did everything. They had no chores. They didn't even tidy their own rooms. When my friend was 18 she left to become an au pair in America for a year. Just one problem: She was also supposed to cook for the children and she didn't even know how to boil an egg or peel potatoes. Oh well, they still kept her the entire year. She just had to learn on the job. My DB and I, on the other hand, each had a day every week, where we cooked dinner starting when I was around 11. (We were allowed to choose the meal ourselves, so sometimes my parents didn't quite agree that it could be defined as "dinner", but they still ate it and still allowed us to continue to choose the meals ourselves)

Another point is that while there are some basics (like bum wiping), other things are a matter of opinion and really a wide range of things are fine. Sometimes there will be a thread on here or a tweet about something a person does, and everyone replies "omg! I never knew this! I missed out/I've been doing it all wrong". When they haven't been really, that's just one way to do it and other ways are fine. Examples are how often to change sheets and towels, use of bleach and anti bac cleaning products, toilet brushes, diet ones and showering.

I get you OP - I think it’s verry easy to take the ‘common sense’ stuff for granted if you know it. Eg. Being on time - I work with some kids who find this really difficult cos actually you need to know a) where you’re going b) understand maps/transport c) understand time and being able to work backwards in time d) have everything ready to go - and for most adults that’s second nature but I am constantly having to check myself

We had poor dental hygiene. My DM was depressed lots, she didn't do housework well the basics.
Finding a place at the table for homework was a task, we had the sock hunt for a clean matching pair every morning, some times underwear too. Dressed ourselves badly.1
SPAG was not on my to do list, early 20's spent learning life skills.
I do well now, it is my mission to ensure the DC have clean clothes, teeth and an organised home.