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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and the better paid job

109 replies

Hisnamesblaine · 10/04/2019 15:38

Long story short. We went from both working full time jobs to me going part time so as not to incur extortionate child care fees.

Over 3 years ago DH was made redundant and went straight into a office job 9/5 minimum wage. I wasnt happy as he didnt even apply/look for something similar to what he had previous worked as. He had the idea that he would get promoted like a friend did and that we would only have to live on the bad wage for 12/18 months max. 3 years down the line and we are on the same money. No promotions and he is very happy with the current situation. We are now both later 30s and i am keen to get a mortgage before its too late. The problem lies that im returnng back to work after 2nd maternity break and i have to cut my hours further to suit his office hours. I feel i have cut him slack up to this point but now we need to think of our 2 kids future. I belive he should start applying for new jobs but he loves his job, the working hours and the people. I feel so mean when we have the "money conversations" but he just sticks his head in the ground. I have even suggested i do the full time hours and he goes part time........ but that went down like a bucket of cold sick. I am seriously worried sick about the future and im all for enjoying your work etc but it doesnt put food on the table. My feelings are further provoked by his siblings receiving finacial help from his parents while they know we struggle. (Not that i would ask) buy still it hurts me as i know i would NEVER treat my children so differently un the future. SO I suppose what Im asking is AIBU in asking him to think about our future or i should i just put up and shut up and be thankful hes employed at all! FWIW hes a great father and family man so no complaints there

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Original poster
Hisnamesblaine · 10/04/2019 15:39

Oppps forgot to add theres a perfect job for him to apply for. He refuses as he doesnt want to go back to shift work

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Shoxfordian · 10/04/2019 15:41

He should be looking to provide for you as well as he can if you're not working full time. Him staying at a job he enjoys when he has potential to earn more somewhere else is putting his needs ahead of your family. If you're in a position to get well paid fulltime work then you should look to do so. He's not a great family man if he's not making as much money as he can for your family.

adaline · 10/04/2019 15:42

If he's happy with his job, can you not go for a higher paid job and work for the promotions etc? If he works 9-5 you can easily arrange childcare around his hours while you work, and he can do pick-ups and drop-offs.

I used to to do shift work and I wouldn't go back to it now.

desparate4sleep · 10/04/2019 15:44

He is being selfish. He needs to get a better job or work part time to allow you to.

Original poster
Hisnamesblaine · 10/04/2019 15:45

I know.... he just keeps banging on about getting a promotion which never happens. I think his work just dangle the carrot of promotion to keep them happy

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OnlyFoolsnMothers · 10/04/2019 15:46

If he works 9-5 you can easily arrange childcare around his hours while you work not necessarily, hows the commute?

adaline · 10/04/2019 15:47

He needs to get a better job or work part time to allow you to.

Why? He works full-time in a 9-5, Monday to Friday job. That's the perfect hours to arrange childcare around. Children can go to a childminder or before/after school care and they can both work full-time, no?

Original poster
Hisnamesblaine · 10/04/2019 15:48

I work in healthcare. Lots of shift work. 24/7. 365. i would need to retrain as the last 5 years ive been raising the children. I just dont see how we could afford that and the childcare. It really would make more sense for him to apply for this new job he already knows how to do.

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Original poster
Hisnamesblaine · 10/04/2019 15:50

If i put the children into childcare i would essentially be working for nothing. We are both on NMW. Thats why i work weekends.

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PlainSpeakingStraightTalking · 10/04/2019 15:51

Perhaps he values his mental health.

dreichuplands · 10/04/2019 15:54

You can't make him change jobs, he is working and has a balance that works for him while supporting his family. You should look at how you get the same for yourself, can you aim for promotions?

adaline · 10/04/2019 15:55

If he moved to a shift job, and you work shifts, who's going to look after your children?

Lots of parents work just to pay for childcare - it's a long-term investment into your future.

kaytee87 · 10/04/2019 15:58

If you're both on nmw you would be able to get help with paying for childcare

Original poster
Hisnamesblaine · 10/04/2019 15:59

I would still continue to do my weekend work
His day would be 6am-2pm. Or 12pm-8pm. And as he complains he never gets to do the school run then this new job wpuld give him ample opportunity

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Original poster
Hisnamesblaine · 10/04/2019 15:59

No help. Believe me ive looked into it

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Bluntness100 · 10/04/2019 16:01

I think uou need to accept this is th job he does and what he earns. He doesn't wish to do th other job, and that's fine, you are surviving financially.

So the issue is uou, if you would like a better financial future, you need to do this, and yes it may incur child care fees now. But you need to step up.

adaline · 10/04/2019 16:02

His day would be 6am-2pm. Or 12pm-8pm

But maybe he doesn't want to get up at 4/5am, or alternatively, not get home until 9pm at night?

I really think if you want more money coming into the household, then, considering he already works full-time, you need to think about what you can do to make that happens.

alittlesnow · 10/04/2019 16:06

@Hisnamesblaine

Leave the poor devil alone. Hmm

He is happy isn't he? Why do you want to spoil that? Money isn't everything, and neither is having a mortgage on a property til you're 65!

If it means so much to you, then why don't YOU better yourself and bring in more money?

I know a few people who are on minimum pay, with 12-15 year old cars, and a £350 a rent month housing association home. They are the happiest people I know. No financial commintments, no mortgage, no debts, and no panicking about losing their jobs.

One couple I know (both 50-ish,) work 21 and 26 hours a week in basic 'unskilled' jobs, for minimum pay (£8.35 an hour I think it is.........) Very low housing association rent, and very small outgoings. Very little stress, and a happy carefree life.......

Why try and force your husband into stress when he is happy as he is?

amroc18 · 10/04/2019 16:07

Ageee with @adaline.

Shift work can be horrendous. I think if he is doing the best he can without going on shift you need to look to see what you can do too

Skittlesss · 10/04/2019 16:07

I can see where you are coming from, but it is important to be happy at work. I struggle a bit to have sympathy for you when you talk about how his job “doesn’t put food on the table” when you have obviously gone ahead and had another child whilst he’s been in this employment.

Original poster
Hisnamesblaine · 10/04/2019 16:07

If i were to do more hours then i would jave to pay childcare hence id be working for nothing. Theres also the fact that we will be ships in the night passing one another. But thats a fact for alot of couples/parents. I just feel sad that he moans about our house etc but he has this golden opportunity sitting in front of him that he will not even consider. But i guess i should just consider that I have to step up too

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Expressedways · 10/04/2019 16:07

You can’t make him get another job or share your financial goals. Anything you want to achieve, like buying a house, will probably have to be something you have achieve on your own as it doesn’t sound like he’s with you on that at all. I know it’s tough with very small children but your most viable route out of your current financial situation would be to look at your own opportunities for promotion and to earn more money. Lots of people work for essentially nothing after childcare bills are paid because the long term pay off, once children are in school and only require wrap around care, is worth it. I actually agree with him on no shift work, I wouldn’t apply for that job either but I imagine it must be a real kick in the teeth for you when you’re working shifts to support the family and he refuses to do the same.

Maybe he’s selfish or maybe you are just incompatible as a couple as you don’t share the same goals. Regardless, I’m sorry you’re in this position.

alittlesnow · 10/04/2019 16:07

*financial COMMITMENTS (not commintments!)

kaytee87 · 10/04/2019 16:12

No help. Believe me ive looked into it

You'd probably get around 200-250 per week depending on all of your circumstances. Try the website "entitled to"

Original poster
Hisnamesblaine · 10/04/2019 16:12

I actually think your right expressedways sorry dont know how to highlight your name. I think we are incompatible as a couple and it wasnt noticable until we had the kids. Even when we have opportunity to sit down together in the evenings we tend to just do our own thing. Perhaps im kidding myself and need to look at the bigger picture

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