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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and the better paid job

109 replies

Hisnamesblaine · 10/04/2019 15:38

Long story short. We went from both working full time jobs to me going part time so as not to incur extortionate child care fees.

Over 3 years ago DH was made redundant and went straight into a office job 9/5 minimum wage. I wasnt happy as he didnt even apply/look for something similar to what he had previous worked as. He had the idea that he would get promoted like a friend did and that we would only have to live on the bad wage for 12/18 months max. 3 years down the line and we are on the same money. No promotions and he is very happy with the current situation. We are now both later 30s and i am keen to get a mortgage before its too late. The problem lies that im returnng back to work after 2nd maternity break and i have to cut my hours further to suit his office hours. I feel i have cut him slack up to this point but now we need to think of our 2 kids future. I belive he should start applying for new jobs but he loves his job, the working hours and the people. I feel so mean when we have the "money conversations" but he just sticks his head in the ground. I have even suggested i do the full time hours and he goes part time........ but that went down like a bucket of cold sick. I am seriously worried sick about the future and im all for enjoying your work etc but it doesnt put food on the table. My feelings are further provoked by his siblings receiving finacial help from his parents while they know we struggle. (Not that i would ask) buy still it hurts me as i know i would NEVER treat my children so differently un the future. SO I suppose what Im asking is AIBU in asking him to think about our future or i should i just put up and shut up and be thankful hes employed at all! FWIW hes a great father and family man so no complaints there

OP posts:
Skittlesss · 10/04/2019 16:13

Paying for so much childcare won’t be forever though. Can you hang on in there as you are now until the children are at school? You could then change jobs. It won’t be as expensive then and you can juggle shifts/leave for the holidays.

I do feel for you, but I also see your DH’s POV. I am stuck in a job I hate for now and it’s soul destroying at times. I would love to have a job where I am happy.

Original poster
Hisnamesblaine · 10/04/2019 16:16

I knew someone would bring up the 2nd child!!! Blush

OP posts:
Skittlesss · 10/04/2019 16:18

I’ve just seen your post about compatibility. Is there more to this than the job? It sounds like there is.

Bungalowbeth · 10/04/2019 16:23

“I knew someone would bring up the 2nd child!!!”

Well, it is kind of relevant in your situation, yes?

Asta19 · 10/04/2019 16:23

he loves his job, the working hours and the people

Sorry but on the basis of that YABU. It's what a lot of us strive for in life and never find. Some things are more important than money and this is one of them. He is working and bringing in a wage, it's not really fair to say "well it's not enough". I don't know, as you didn't specify, but it seems that it is enough to pay bills, buy food etc, but that you want a mortgage. It isn't unreasonable for you to want that but is that his dream? He seems happy as he is. Buying a house is not the be all and end all. We are conditioned to think that's the case but it really isn't (and I say that as a renter myself). You don't own the house until the mortgage is paid off, which if you got one now would take you close to retirement age to pay off. It's a huge commitment. I do sympathise with you and understand the frustration but I would be exploring other options.

QforCucumber · 10/04/2019 16:24

@Hisnamesblaine how old are the kids?

DH and I earn 25k each, we get 30 hours free for our 3 year old and also tax free childcare - giving 20% off the remaning childcare bills. There is help out there for fees.

When I met DH he worked shifts, we now both do 8-4 or 9-5 and I'd not ask him to go back to shift work again, even if it meant an extra 10k coming in. He's been offered offshore work and turned it down and I don't blame him.

Original poster
Hisnamesblaine · 10/04/2019 16:24

Yes quite possibly weve out grown one another

OP posts:
dreichuplands · 10/04/2019 16:26

OP working for no pay is pretty normal for the first couple of years of having dc, once nursery help starts it gets better. I know this from personal experience.
You need to look at what training you want to do to raise your income in the long run.

LannieDuck · 10/04/2019 16:26

Could he do some sort of flexi-time, e.g. 8-4, or reduce his pay to reduce his hours e.g. 9-3.30? That would allow him to continue in his job, and only use minimal childcare while you go back to work.

AloneLonelyLoner · 10/04/2019 16:30

I understand your concerns. It's all well and good people being happy when they live in Housing Association homes and they can probably stay in them for the rest of their lives. What happens when you retire? If you can retire even. How do you pay private rent? I freaked out and managed to get a mortgage so that hopefully I'll still have somewhere to live when I retire.

YANBU.
I don't get why people are ok to not worry about their living situation when they're in their 70s say and telling you you should just accept this.

downcasteyes · 10/04/2019 16:32

It sounds like you're not financially compatible to me. Honestly, I had this with an exP. He didn't want to go for promotions, and would occasionally come up with hare-brained schemes like opening a games cafe (he couldn't make a cup of tea, let alone serve food).

I think you have two choices: you become the main breadwinner and he fits around you, or you leave. You are unlikely to be able to change his mind without creating huge resentment.

Asta19 · 10/04/2019 16:32

alittlesnow makes an excellent point. I am in the same scenario as the friends mentioned, although my HA rent is double what they pay! (due to where I am) but I left a really high stress job, took a pay cut, but now have a zero stress wfh job. Something I could not have done if I was tied to a mortgage. Stress kills. I have seen it happen. There's tons of evidence to back it up.

adaline · 10/04/2019 16:37

Don't forget though that childcare isn't forever. Lots of couples have to have one partner "work for nothing" for a while but it means you keep your foot in the door work-wise, and can work towards promotions or better your prospects.

He works 9-5, in a full-time position. You only work part-time. I think in this type of situation, the onus is on you to increase your hours if you want more money coming into the home.

Millions of couples have two parents on NMW - it's tight but doable.

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 10/04/2019 16:38

As long as he can meet his half of the bills he shouldn't be able to choose his own job as an adult. On those hours, unless he has a long commute it's ideal for childcare so no reason for you to work part time.

If you want a mortgage then work towards it, it's a very old fashioned view to think it's down to the male to do it.

As for financial assistance from his parents, why do you feel they should pay for your lifestyle choices? Nobody made you have a second child adding to the financial pressure.

Asta19 · 10/04/2019 16:40

What happens when you retire? If you can retire even. How do you pay private rent

The same way as people with no money pay their HA rent, housing benefit. You can claim it for private rentals too. Yes ok, the benefits bill is huge, it can't be afforded, blah blah. But I'm talking worst case scenario. A pensioner would never have to live on the streets. As I said, we are conditioned into home buying as it's cheaper for the government, however it is not "law", no one is compelled to buy a house.

Original poster
Hisnamesblaine · 10/04/2019 16:43

I wish i was in a HA house at least you have a home for life. We private rent. Landlord does bothing and we have to pay for any repairs and the upkeep. Thats a whole different thread!!! I just want financial stability for our kids now.

OP posts:
Shinesweetfreedom · 10/04/2019 16:43

Well now you think you have outgrown each other even more reason to not stop him being happy in his job and you start looking at how you can pull more money in.

Original poster
Hisnamesblaine · 10/04/2019 16:44

And the occassinal holiday bow and ahain wouldnt go amiss. I do value all the feedback. I am fully aware there are people in far worse situations than me

OP posts:
Asta19 · 10/04/2019 16:51

I think maybe you need to separate the two issues. Taking aside work, are you happy with your partner? If it's only about money then separating will make you less likely to be able to afford a home. But if there are other issues and the work thing is the final straw, then that's different. Also, if he did take the higher paid job, are there still issues that would remain? As in that scenario it would be unfair to pressure him and then leave him anyway. I think maybe consider all the other issues first and then think about the work situation.

That being said, I always advocate talking things through first before making a decision to split. In your situation I would probably be saying I am not happy because of x/y/z and then the ball is in his court that he can either work with you on things or he can't. But at least that way you know.

AloneLonelyLoner · 10/04/2019 16:52

No what happens is the government can't possibly afford the HB payments and you work until you physically can't anymore. It's cloud cuckoo land to think pensioners don't end up homeless or in difficult housing situations and if you think the UK will be able to afford this in 20/30 years time then best of luck. Because you'll need it. Home owning isn't law, nor is it possible for many now which is why it will be even worse in 20 years. It's a time bomb.

FilthyforFirth · 10/04/2019 16:52

But why would you have another child? I genuinely would like to understand if you didnt like the wage he was on with just one?

QforCucumber · 10/04/2019 16:56

Will your child qualify for the 30 hours now or shortly OP? You're both working so they should do if the right age.

MadameDD · 10/04/2019 16:57

I have to say 6am to 2pm might seem ok to you but I've known people who work these hours (and longer if you count that as commute time) and after a year they're knackered. Not sustainable for most people long term.

You could encourage him more to get another job but as another poster said you can't make him do this.

Asta19 · 10/04/2019 17:00

It's cloud cuckoo land to think pensioners don't end up homeless or in difficult housing situations

I grant you that they may end up in difficult housing situations but no they can't be made homeless. I have worked with numerous councils and housing charities as part of my job and the one group of people that can't be left homeless is pensioners. Really, can you imagine the uproar, "pensioner dies sleeping on the streets" it wouldn't happen. The only scenario where it has happened is with long term homeless who didn't engage with services once they reached pension age and could have been housed.

I don't deny that this takes away money from other much needed resources and I agree that anyone who can fund their old age should. I also agree we shouldn't all just rely on benefits. I have a plan myself to not rely on benefits. But as I said, worst case scenario, it is an option for some people.

acciocat · 10/04/2019 17:00

Why can’t you both work full time? Or you continue part time but in a higher paid job?

You are trying to make him choose between leaving full time work which he enjoys, for full time work which he doesn’t want OR dropping to part time.

Why has he got to choose between those 2 options when actually there are various other options which might involve you changing jobs/ earning more?

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