DH and the better paid job

[Hisnamesblaine]

Long story short. We went from both working full time jobs to me going part time so as not to incur extortionate child care fees.

Over 3 years ago DH was made redundant and went straight into a office job 9/5 minimum wage. I wasnt happy as he didnt even apply/look for something similar to what he had previous worked as. He had the idea that he would get promoted like a friend did and that we would only have to live on the bad wage for 12/18 months max. 3 years down the line and we are on the same money. No promotions and he is very happy with the current situation. We are now both later 30s and i am keen to get a mortgage before its too late. The problem lies that im returnng back to work after 2nd maternity break and i have to cut my hours further to suit his office hours. I feel i have cut him slack up to this point but now we need to think of our 2 kids future. I belive he should start applying for new jobs but he loves his job, the working hours and the people. I feel so mean when we have the "money conversations" but he just sticks his head in the ground. I have even suggested i do the full time hours and he goes part time........ but that went down like a bucket of cold sick. I am seriously worried sick about the future and im all for enjoying your work etc but it doesnt put food on the table. My feelings are further provoked by his siblings receiving finacial help from his parents while they know we struggle. (Not that i would ask) buy still it hurts me as i know i would NEVER treat my children so differently un the future. SO I suppose what Im asking is AIBU in asking him to think about our future or i should i just put up and shut up and be thankful hes employed at all! FWIW hes a great father and family man so no complaints there

I get where you’re coming from OP, I’m not sure why you’re getting such a hard time here. Sounds like your DH has an easy job and his home life is organised by you. You’re trying to make things work financially and practically and trying to better your family life.

My husband loves bar tending at the weekends. He loves it far more than his proper day job. But our family life would be totally compromised if he did full time bar work. So he keeps the better paid job and sucks it up that it isn’t the most fulfilling thing for him, so that we can go on holidays, the kids can go to lots of activities and day trips, we have a fairly nice home and we can all wear decent clothes and eat nice food. I don’t feel guilty about this and I contribute too - we both knew the sort of life and family we wanted to build when we started.

Also weird that people are just saying go get a new job, that you have no experience in and no training for that, presumably is still P/T as your DH won’t do P/T. Surely it’s not that easy.

He is working full time, so if you want changes its up to you. If you want a man to 'keep' you then you need to find a new man. If you want more money then you need to earn it.

Why would you be working for nothing to pay for childcare? Why can't he pay for the childcare and work for nothing? Or maybe split it 50/50. Surly it will get easier in several years when they are at school.

If you're in some kind of HCA role and you feel you have the skills/confidence play the long game and get a qualification, OT, Nursing, physiotherapy, biomedical sciences..... You can progress, earn more and move into management.... You'll risk the upfront costs of childcare and the cost of paying back loans (fees) but you'll be able to do the thing that your partner can't....

I'd look into changing careers myself (unless you absolutely love what you do - in which case you're both doing what you love on NMW).
If you became higher earner maybe he could work reduce hours, or childcare.

Have you looked into Working Tax Credits childcare element, they pay a portion of childcare costs

Sorry OP but it sounds like you both chose to have a second child while in this 'predicament'. A second child is a bit of a luxury in your circumstances. So you're equally to blame for money being tight.

I get a sense from your posts that you want to be provided for, that you think it's your husband's duty to go out and get the promotions and earn the big(ger) bucks. It's not ideal for you that he seems content with his lot but he can hardly be criticised for it.

I think you need to hand the before and after school. childcare over to him and go out and do the shift work, the unsociable hours and pick up the overtime and maybe discuss even taking on a second job if you can to increase the household income. If you're not willing to run yourself into the ground you can't expect him to

Have you investigated how much deposit & wage & solicitor fees etc you would need to purchase property in the area that you live ?
This may help you decide if you or both of you should change to a higher paid job

ihope getting a bog standard office job, somewhere like the CS for example, usually requires little experience. Just that you meet their competencies/behaviours. Stuff like customer service, leadership, team working etc. It's a popular career change. I started last march with a group consisting of a Tesco checkout assistant, a 999 call handler, an ex handy man , a few right out of uni, a dental nurse, a nursery nurse , a call centre worker and a call centre manager. Retraining in something where you need specific training to start - nursing, social work etc- isn't easy. But others aren't so bad

Hmm. I wouldn't equate "shift" with "perfect". Shift work fucks up your everything: sleep pattern, metabolism, concentration etc. It's more of a shit work. I firmly believe the world should be slower and only very few very essential jobs require doing shifts.