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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH and the better paid job

109 replies

Hisnamesblaine · 10/04/2019 15:38

Long story short. We went from both working full time jobs to me going part time so as not to incur extortionate child care fees.

Over 3 years ago DH was made redundant and went straight into a office job 9/5 minimum wage. I wasnt happy as he didnt even apply/look for something similar to what he had previous worked as. He had the idea that he would get promoted like a friend did and that we would only have to live on the bad wage for 12/18 months max. 3 years down the line and we are on the same money. No promotions and he is very happy with the current situation. We are now both later 30s and i am keen to get a mortgage before its too late. The problem lies that im returnng back to work after 2nd maternity break and i have to cut my hours further to suit his office hours. I feel i have cut him slack up to this point but now we need to think of our 2 kids future. I belive he should start applying for new jobs but he loves his job, the working hours and the people. I feel so mean when we have the "money conversations" but he just sticks his head in the ground. I have even suggested i do the full time hours and he goes part time........ but that went down like a bucket of cold sick. I am seriously worried sick about the future and im all for enjoying your work etc but it doesnt put food on the table. My feelings are further provoked by his siblings receiving finacial help from his parents while they know we struggle. (Not that i would ask) buy still it hurts me as i know i would NEVER treat my children so differently un the future. SO I suppose what Im asking is AIBU in asking him to think about our future or i should i just put up and shut up and be thankful hes employed at all! FWIW hes a great father and family man so no complaints there

OP posts:

FaFoutis · 10/04/2019 17:04

Could you train for a high paying job yourself? That would be a much more secure situation for you.

Heulog · 10/04/2019 17:09

Mental health/wellbeing at work is so important. If your husband has managed to find a job where he is happy, valued and has a good team around him then he is winning at life, it sounds like you can already afford your living costs, I don't blame him for staying put. Risking that happy place for 'extras' such as holidays is really not worth it in my opinion.

Original poster

Hisnamesblaine · 10/04/2019 17:13

Theeres only so much i can earn even with re training Thats the NHS for you! But yes if i want changes i suppose I have to make a move. Kids are 6 years old and 6 months old. I found out i was pregnant quite late on and dont believe in abortion for myself. Totally understand if others want/need to. So please dont bash me on that subject. Also im 39 so no spring chicken and i wouldnt change her for the world. Also being dragged up and not having much of anything growing up i am delighted with myself for getting as far as i have done. I just want something to show fpr my life and to give to my own little family. Understandably im leaving it late. We applied foe the mortgage years ago but it all fell thru due to the redundancy. I just cant help but feel he thinks its all right for me to continue shift work/ evenings shifts but its totally out of the question for him anymore.

OP posts:

Original poster

Hisnamesblaine · 10/04/2019 17:14

Also he knows people at the new job so i would imagine he would enjoy it also but couldn't guarantee it

OP posts:

Original poster

Hisnamesblaine · 10/04/2019 17:16

Im just off to prepare the tea. Will check in later. Thanks for the website advise.and childcare options

OP posts:

Nanny0gg · 10/04/2019 17:16

It's no fun being in your 60s and have to move because your landlord is selling up. Or housing benefit isn't enough to cover. Or you have to try and find somewhere smaller and there's nothing about. Or you're widowed and can't afford rent any longer...

It's very precarious renting in old age

Purpleartichoke · 10/04/2019 17:17

I don’t blame him for wanting to work conventional hours. The sleeping patterns are easier and it fits the kids schedule. I wouldn’t be happy staying at minimum wage while supporting a family though.

You have many options to increase your household income
He could look for a better paying job that isn’t shift work
He could explore training to get a better job
You could go back to work and he could take over the role you are in now.
You could work full-time and he could work part-time.
You could work full-time and he could do the shift work, but part-time.

JellyBabiesSaveLives · 10/04/2019 17:19

So, does his job pay for half the bills including half the full-time childcare? And does he realise he needs to do half the childcare evenings/weekends, half the nursery drop-offs, half the housework, half the household admin? Oh, and half of taking time off when kids are sick or need a parent to go and watch a school play or whatever.

Then you get a full-time job to pay the other half, and do the other half of all the work.

Get that going, get your career going again, get him used to doing what his kids need. Then see how your marriage is going after that.

adaline · 10/04/2019 17:21

Is he actually expecting you to continue with shift work though? Or are you taking that role upon yourself to avoid paying out for childcare?

At the moment he is working full-time and you are not. If you want more money coming in, go up to full-time and take the hit for a few years in childcare. It'll be worth it in the long run.

Mummadeeze · 10/04/2019 17:27

I am of the opinion that you should get your career back on track once your baby is a bit older and let him continue on his path. You can’t make someone apply for a job they don’t fancy doing. Imagine if he was trying to make you do a full time job you didn’t want to do. It is a bit controlling. Being happy in his work is v important and he will resent you if he is working in a job you chose that he doesn’t enjoy. Being self sufficient and really employable is a good thing for you to strive for anyway.

Blistory · 10/04/2019 17:33

It's all very well the OP's husband being happy but by sticking to his position and refusing to consider other options, he's preventing his spouse from having the same opportunity to be happy.

Why is it only the OP who has to suck up these early years ? What about her mental health and work life balance ?

OP - can he request flexible working to at least try and help with mornings drop offs or pick ups ? Can he ask to work from home ?

RomanyQueen1 · 10/04/2019 17:35

I think you just need to cut your cloth accordingly, he likes his job.
I wouldn't want to do shift work and both of you doing it would mean no family time.

havingtochangeusernameagain · 10/04/2019 17:38

It's all very well the OP's husband being happy but by sticking to his position and refusing to consider other options, he's preventing his spouse from having the same opportunity to be happy.

Not really. She could work full-time. I know she's talked about childcare but that's a joint expense, not just hers.

And she's assuming he would even get the better paid job, anyway.

I am a bit surprised at all the people who expect their others halves to keep them in the way to which they wish to become accustomed. I'm glad my husband didn't take that view when I gave up my job to become freelance.

pissedonatrain · 10/04/2019 17:40

I would keep working part time and retrain for a job that has day hours and pays well until your youngest is ready for school.

acciocat · 10/04/2019 17:40

From your last post it sounds as though you’re more receptive to the idea that you may need to make some changes rather than just trying to force your dh to make them.

You seem to have quite a fixed idea of how things need to be - you working part time around your dhs job to avoid using childcare, and then relying on him to increase his earnings to get you on the property ladder.

The first thing you need to do is be open to other possibilities. As many pp have pointed out, childcare is a big expense in the early years but you could look on it as an investment. Many of us have ‘worked for nothing’ in the short term in order to progress our careers and do better long term. Remember as well it’s not just getting a house- it’s a pension you’ll need too in your older age and if you’re working very part time then your contributions at the moment will be very small.

If you feel there’s no progression in your current work, then it makes sense to consider retraining or looking at other types of work.

I can understand where your dh is coming from because as the full time worker it’s important to feel as happy as possible in what you’re doing day in day out. His mental health can’t just be ignored.

HollowTalk · 10/04/2019 17:40

He sounds lazy to me. He's found himself a job where he doesn't have to make much effort and he wants to stay in it. I imagine his attitude is the reason he's not been promoted.

Perhaps you do need to look at your marriage as a whole, OP. If he's sticking to that low level job despite being capable of more and having the opportunity to do more, and his job is preventing you from taking on full time work, then maybe it's time to look at alternatives.

Blistory · 10/04/2019 17:42

The OP has already stated that she's had to cut her hours to fit in around his office hours. She's not sitting at home twiddling her thumbs from what I read but trying to ensure that the whole family benefits from both parents working.

The husband only gets to keep his lovely work/life balance because of his wife and the sacrifices she's making. Great family man, my arse.

DonnaDarko · 10/04/2019 17:44

Why do you have to cut your hours? Can't you both work full time? You almost make it sound like 9-5 are unconventional hours but they're really not lol.

I could never make my partner give up a job he enjoys

adaline · 10/04/2019 17:51

The OP has already stated that she's had to cut her hours to fit in around his office hours.

No, she's chosen to cut down her hours and work weekends so she doesn't have to pay for childcare. Not the same thing.

Holidayshopping · 10/04/2019 17:55

What sort of money was he on before-could he earn that again?

Having had a DH who really really hated his job, I have to say there’s a lot to be said for liking where you work! Is there any scope for you to earn more?

happyhillock · 10/04/2019 17:58

You sound to me like your very hard to please, i wouldn't make him leave his job if he's happy, when i had my kid's in the 80's most women didn't go back to work and lived on one wage by some miracle we survived, went back to work part time when the youngest went to school, we've never had loads of money but the kid's akways had a roof over there head's, fed and clothed that's all that mattered

mrsm43s · 10/04/2019 17:59

Theeres only so much i can earn even with re training Thats the NHS for you!

There's other employers than the NHS and other careers than healthcare!

In any case, with one in school and a baby, plus tax credits help, I am sure that you working full-time would increase your family income.

huntinghighandlow · 10/04/2019 18:12

My dad is almost 70 and lives in a lovely new build flat. He's always had minimum wage jobs and no private pension. He has his rent paid for and almost all council tax. His previous landlord preferred pensioners as a pension was more reliable than other benefits and couldn't be taken away, plus they don't usually have dependants so less chance of keeping rent allowance back for food, clothes etc. He's one of the most contented people I know!

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 10/04/2019 18:16

Why does only he have to change things and make all the effort so you get your wants? You could work more but don't want to pay childcare but that's your choice. He's already working full time and should aim for a job he enjoys being the main earner especially as you won't work more.

What's happens if he won't do your bidding to give you the life you want?

Rachelle11 · 10/04/2019 18:41

I think you are asking a lot of a man who you claim to have outgrown.

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