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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DH and the better paid job

109 replies

Hisnamesblaine · 10/04/2019 15:38

Long story short. We went from both working full time jobs to me going part time so as not to incur extortionate child care fees.

Over 3 years ago DH was made redundant and went straight into a office job 9/5 minimum wage. I wasnt happy as he didnt even apply/look for something similar to what he had previous worked as. He had the idea that he would get promoted like a friend did and that we would only have to live on the bad wage for 12/18 months max. 3 years down the line and we are on the same money. No promotions and he is very happy with the current situation. We are now both later 30s and i am keen to get a mortgage before its too late. The problem lies that im returnng back to work after 2nd maternity break and i have to cut my hours further to suit his office hours. I feel i have cut him slack up to this point but now we need to think of our 2 kids future. I belive he should start applying for new jobs but he loves his job, the working hours and the people. I feel so mean when we have the "money conversations" but he just sticks his head in the ground. I have even suggested i do the full time hours and he goes part time........ but that went down like a bucket of cold sick. I am seriously worried sick about the future and im all for enjoying your work etc but it doesnt put food on the table. My feelings are further provoked by his siblings receiving finacial help from his parents while they know we struggle. (Not that i would ask) buy still it hurts me as i know i would NEVER treat my children so differently un the future. SO I suppose what Im asking is AIBU in asking him to think about our future or i should i just put up and shut up and be thankful hes employed at all! FWIW hes a great father and family man so no complaints there

OP posts:
StealthPolarBear · 10/04/2019 18:50

He's not wanting to cut his cloth though. He's complaining about where they live.
Op I get it, you put your career on hold on the understanding he would further his. And he's choosing not to. But sadly I still thibk the solution is for you to retrain, up hours, whatever it takes to get your career back on track. Then you're set ip for whatever happens next.

alittlesnow · 10/04/2019 18:54

@AloneLonelyLoner

I understand your concerns. It's all well and good people being happy when they live in Housing Association homes and they can probably stay in them for the rest of their lives. What happens when you retire? If you can retire even. How do you pay private rent? I freaked out and managed to get a mortgage so that hopefully I'll still have somewhere to live when I retire.

You're in cloud cuckoo land to think pensioners don't end up homeless or in difficult housing situations.

What a bizarre post! Confused

Of COURSE you can retire when you live in social housing. I never realised some people were so clueless about this! And as soon as you retire, the council will pay your rent - if you don't have enough income to pay it yourself...

YOU are living in cloud cuckoo land if you think people who buy a house/have a mortgage are less likely to be homeless than those who rent!

Indeed, people who have a mortgage (and I know lots of people who bought at middle age who have a mortgage til they are 65-70) are much more likely to end up homeless in their old age, than people who rent a council house/social housing house.

Now, private renting is a different matter; insecure and flaky and expensive. Even so, you will still get the rent paid if you end up out of work.

@Asta19

alittlesnow makes an excellent point. I am in the same scenario as the friends mentioned, although my HA rent is double what they pay! (due to where I am) but I left a really high stress job, took a pay cut, but now have a zero stress wfh job. Something I could not have done if I was tied to a mortgage. Stress kills. I have seen it happen. There's tons of evidence to back it up.

Agree with this. ^ Smile

@Heulog

Mental health/wellbeing at work is so important. If your husband has managed to find a job where he is happy, valued and has a good team around him then he is winning at life, it sounds like you can already afford your living costs, I don't blame him for staying put. Risking that happy place for 'extras' such as holidays is really not worth it in my opinion.

Yeah this. ^ Some common sense on the thread! Smile Money and fancy goods isn't everything.

I think (as some posters have said,) that the OP needs to find someone who wants to work all the hours God sends to keep her in a fancy lifestyle. (Good luck with that @Hisnamesblaine !)

BabyItsAWildWorld · 10/04/2019 19:02

I would find his decision very hard to accept.

Dh and I have the same attitude that financial stability is vital, and money provides options and opportunities for our children, now and in the future, so we make some sacrifices to ensure we can provide this.
We work longer hours than I'd like and we discuss how we can each take a role to balance this with family life.

Obviously you have to ensure that no one is ill or utterly miserable, money is not worth that, but also as parents we're prepared to do some difficult things, or things which wouldn't be a first choice if we didn't have responsibility, for the greater good of the family.

I think this 'as long as he's happy' response is naive.

I think you have different views on being an adult, a parent, and what family responsibility means. And I'm with you OP. I know my Dh would be prepared to sacrifice a lot personally for the good of the family, and if he wasn't I'm not sure our marriage would work.

StealthPolarBear · 10/04/2019 19:04

Yes exactly baby

adaline · 10/04/2019 19:09

I know my Dh would be prepared to sacrifice a lot personally for the good of the family, and if he wasn't I'm not sure our marriage would work.

But how far does that go?

You can't expect someone to destroy their mental health and happiness though - surely there has to be some level of compromise?

He currently works full-time and OP does not. So why is he the one responsible for earning more money? Surely in that situation the person who is PT goes up to FT and you take the hit on childcare for a while?

I think it's very unfair to ask the only person working full-time hours to take a job they wouldn't enjoy when the other person is reluctant to even go full-time at all.

StealthPolarBear · 10/04/2019 19:11

Because they agreed she would scale back her career so he could earn more

huggybear · 10/04/2019 19:12

What is minimum wage as an annual salary?

adaline · 10/04/2019 19:15

Because they agreed she would scale back her career so he could earn more

So he's not allowed to change his mind?

StealthPolarBear · 10/04/2019 19:23

Yes of course. But I don't get the impression he's engaging in discussions or making any suggestions about what they can do.

IHopeYouUnderstandWeArePuppets · 10/04/2019 19:32

Not sure why it’s a case of either this job that he enjoys or an awful stressful job that will destroy his mental health. It doesn’t actually sound like OP is suggesting the latter, it’s just lots of posters seem to assume those are his options.

It’s not unreasonable to want your DH to share in your goals for bettering your family. I do think it’s important to make clear that you are willing to put in half of the hard graft and sacrifices, which the OP has done by saying she will go F/T and he can go P/T. Which he rejected.

Seems like a lot of people seem to be falling over themselves to be on the DH’s “side” in the name of gender equality. However, it sounds to me like one partner has it easy working in a bit of a dead end job and the other partner wants more from life but is, unsurprisingly, the one who actually has to put in the mental effort to make ends meet, as well as doing the bulk of childcare and working P/T. Why is the DH not worrying about childcare and childcare costs? Why does he not worry about the experiences they will offer their children? Why is he not worrying about the future?

acciocat · 10/04/2019 19:32

They made a decision for her to scale back before he was made redundant. Life throws curve balls. He probably wasn’t expecting to be made redundant and might still be working in that higher paid job if he hadn’t been. Things happen. Circumstances change. It sounds as though the OP is working very part time at weekends yet is expecting her dh to make all the changes to increase his earning. There are other options than him moving to another full time job when he’s quite happy with the one he’s got, or dropping to part time. I bet if the genders were reversed and this was a man complaining that his wife works full time but isn’t earning enough for his liking then there would be universal uproar!

IHopeYouUnderstandWeArePuppets · 10/04/2019 19:41

Did everyone miss the bit where the OP said he could go P/T and she would go F/T and how that went down “like a bowl of cold sick”?

Reverse the genders on that acciocat and it’s still just damn self serving behaviour.

IHopeYouUnderstandWeArePuppets · 10/04/2019 19:48

Wonder why he doesn’t want to go P/T? He enjoys his job too much to take part in the grind of caring for the children he created perhaps? He’s lucky his partner doesn't sack off the family in the name of her own personal enjoyment.

Original poster
Hisnamesblaine · 10/04/2019 20:50

Hi guys. Sorry getting kids to bed. He would absolutely not enjoy going P/T. Dont want to say what he used to do as i may have family on here but it was a manual hands on type job. Hes now in a office in smart clothes enjoying a new way of life. He works in a city centre so had lunch out every friday with colleagues. Takes part in charity events such as comic relief bake offs and sponsored cycling etc. He says he enjoys the social side of it. And im pleased for him. I however will be up to my elbows in blood and guts and god knows what else when i return to work in the summer! So maybe i am a little jealous. I do value his mental health and of course want him to be happy but what makes you think he will be unhappy in the potential new job? And he does say he wants to better put situation but when i try and have conversation its always met with the promise of a promotion at work. Its been 3 years!!!!!

OP posts:
Original poster
Hisnamesblaine · 10/04/2019 20:52

NMW per year is around 16/17k i think

OP posts:
Madein1995 · 10/04/2019 20:53

To be quite honest, I would prefer being sat in a office doing 9-5 more than doing manual labour on shift work. Also in the nicest possible way, it is your decision that your work involves blood, guts and shifts. There is nothing stopping you getting an office job. You chose your career, so can hardly be resentful at his 'easier' time of things

mrsm43s · 10/04/2019 21:00

Looks like you need to find yourself a better job. Maybe ask your DH if there's anything going at his place, since in your opinion it seems so cushy!

Original poster
Hisnamesblaine · 10/04/2019 21:01

No your right. I did choose my job. And for the most part find it rewarding.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hisnamesblaine · 10/04/2019 21:02

Its not cushy in my opinion. Its what he tells me

OP posts:
mrsm43s · 10/04/2019 21:04

I did choose my job. And for the most part find it rewarding.

So you are allowed to choose to have a job you like, despite it being min wage?

But he isn't?

Why?

Original poster
Hisnamesblaine · 10/04/2019 21:08

Oh i wouldnt say i like it. But its all ive ever known for over 15 years. Given the choice right now i would leave for more money.

OP posts:
IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 10/04/2019 21:12

I get why he wouldn't want to go PT. it affects pensions, means he may not be able to meet his stare of bills, if life goes pear shaped he wouldn't have enough to live on etc. I'd not do it and wouldn't expect someone else to just to to avoid a bill for childcare. It's just another expense of having children.

Hopoindown31 · 10/04/2019 21:19

So you are having more kids to add to the financial burden? Not much sympathy from me tbh.

mrsm43s · 10/04/2019 21:44

Oh i wouldnt say i like it. But its all ive ever known for over 15 years. Given the choice right now i would leave for more money.

So that is the solution! Go find a job for more money :)

Madein1995 · 10/04/2019 21:50

If you would leave for money, I would start looking 😀 the kind of work you describe sounds very hard and poorly paid. NMW is poor money for anything, let alone a job as hard as it sounds. I would look for office work. Civil service jobs are great. Starting salary for a AO (bottom rung) is 19k ish usually, with guarantees hours, Flexi hours, family friendly employer etc.