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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

"Why on earth did you have child(ren) with this man"

150 replies

Februaryblooms · 08/04/2019 18:55

AIBU to think it's a pointless and goady thing to say to somebody who already has children or is expecting one to somebody who (obviously) is a bit of a shit?

I see it so often on MN on here and the relationship threads.

Hindsight is a wonderful thing, but in all of the cases where people have said that to the (usually upset) OP its too late to do anything about it and she's clearly already aware of her poor judgement so it just looks like rubbing salt in the wounds to me.

Thoughts?

OP posts:
crackofdoom · 08/04/2019 18:57

YANBU. It really isn't helpful, is it?

DuggeesWoggle · 08/04/2019 18:58

It's a horrible thing to say and helps absolutely nobody.

I can only imagine it makes the poster feel superior but it just sounds so sneery and nasty.

It sounds even worse when said as a question for some reason - "and you had children with this man why?" Hmm

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 08/04/2019 19:02

They can't change the past but maybe if they can acknowledge their mistakes they can change the future and not repeat bad decisions.

sonjadog · 08/04/2019 19:02

All about making the poster feel good about themselves at the OP´s expense. Sometimes it is passed off as "wanting to make the OP think about their thought processes so they can avoid them in future", but that is obvious bullshit, because there are a million other ways to do that without being so deliberately unpleasant.

DDIJ · 08/04/2019 19:04

This reply has been withdrawn

Message from MNHQ: This post has been withdrawn

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 08/04/2019 19:04

I'm relatively sure all of the women who end up co-parenting with a deadbeat or abusive arsehole wish they'd chosen somebody different, although it's a well known fact that you often don't see somebodies true colours until you're already commited / pregnant.

In all of these cases the horse has already bolted and if a woman comes to MN for support and a virtual handhold it seems cruel to then highlight how blind/stupid she was to conceive a baby with somebody so unsuitable.

OP posts:
Northernparent68 · 08/04/2019 19:04

I think it’s frustration, people read miserable stories and feel for the children. Some posters have to expect some judgment as their lives are so messy.

LadyMonicaBaddingham · 08/04/2019 19:05

I couldn't agree more. I read these kind of comments so often and can almost predict how the thread will go... We need to support people, not belittle them for their previous choices. As someone wise once said "the past is a different country". Advice for the now is needed, not judgement and sneering about the before.

MadameAnchou · 08/04/2019 19:06

and then keep on procreating with a known shit. 'I'm pregnant again . . . '

BloodyDisgrace · 08/04/2019 19:08

It's unhelpful and can be upsetting, but it is nevertheless interesting to know from sociological point of view. Or they ask it if the woman having children with a violent/abusive man becomes their problem, or affects them.
I often wonder "where up the arse was your brain when you did that" but I keep these thoughts to myself. I do want to know though. Maybe here one doesn't get the answers to such questions. The best I can do is tell myself that people make mistakes, just like I do.

lyralalala · 08/04/2019 19:09

It's just a sneery put down to make a poster feel somehow superior. As if the person seeking the support is somehow at fault for not having a crystal ball.

CoffeeConnoisseur · 08/04/2019 19:09

I think people get frustrated, reading that the relationship was absolute dogshit and it was blindingly obvious ages before, during and after the first, second, third pregnancy.

You see it right now, threads moaning that their DP is a lazy fucker, does shit all around the house, smokes weed, goes out drinking and comes home and pisses in the wardrobe, is a completely selfish bastard... and then the immortal words “we’re currently TTC”.

PennyMordauntsLadyBrain · 08/04/2019 19:09

I’ve never actually posted it, but sometimes when an OP outlines how unhelpful, unsupportive or downright abusive their DP is, with clear examples of them being a shit dad, and then goes on to say that she’s pregnant with DC2 or 3, I am a bit flummoxed.

Another thing that causes me to Hmm is when a non-resident dad slags his ex off to anyone who’ll listen about how she’s lazy, mental etc when he was the one who had multiple dc with her during a long term relationship.

HavelockVetinari · 08/04/2019 19:12

What PPs have said is true.

It's also sometimes the case that someone really wants DC, this is likely their last chance (age) so overlooks the less-than-great father material of her DH. To be honest, DS is the light of my life - luckily DH is also wonderful, but even if he weren't and I was nearing 40, I'd have kids because otherwise I'd be miserable.

Yes, it's incredibly selfish to bring DC into the world with a crappy father, but I understand why people do it.

MadameAnchou · 08/04/2019 19:13

You see it right now, threads moaning that their DP is a lazy fucker, does shit all around the house, smokes weed, goes out drinking and comes home and pisses in the wardrobe, is a completely selfish bastard... and then the immortal words “we’re currently TTC”.

Yep! I guess the biological urge to procreate is so strong in some people that any ol' shit will do.

MadameAnchou · 08/04/2019 19:15

Exactly, Havelock.

funinthesun19 · 08/04/2019 19:16

Yanbu!

Pointless and unhelpful. The children already exist (born and unborn), so what’s the point in interrogating her as to why she’s got children with him?

museumum · 08/04/2019 19:17

I don’t post that but often think it. Because I half expect the answer to be that either he totally changed after becoming a father or maybe the pregnancy was an accident. But it could be things changed after a big move of city or change of job or that he promised the world then didn’t deliver. All these answers impact on the advice that can be given.

habibihabibi · 08/04/2019 19:17

Posting the obvious just might prevent another pregnancy or warn some other women off reproducing with an oxygen waster.

Original poster
Februaryblooms · 08/04/2019 19:18

I understand why somebody would say it to a poster who's come on here to ask advice about an abusive/useless partner then in the same thread saying they're TTC. I get that.

It's the posters who are already pregnant or have children at home and discover that they've been cheated on, walked out on, emotionally abandoned or their DP/DH has become abusive - that I feel sorry for. I would bet a fair amount on the fact that these men didn't behave that way to start with otherwise how could they have gotten somebody to commit/marry have children with them.

It's just not helpful at all.

Surely nobody on earth actively seeks out a total prick and deliberately gets pregnant in full knowledge that he is, a prick.

Some people are happily married 10+ years and yet the wife will find herself on here, distraught, wondering what became of her (then) perfect husband because she doesn't recognise who he is anymore as he has hit her / emotionally checked out / began an affair.

Totally agree with a PP it's like being chastised for not having a crystal ball.

OP posts:
CherryClarence · 08/04/2019 19:19

I've had this said to me before. My ex became abusive during pregnancy. It was quite amazing how much he changed actually. I did leave him however when DS was 3 months old. I wish I left sooner.

I actually agree to an extent. I think if your partner was already abusive and you chose to bring a child in to the relationship then you can expect these kind of comments.

In my situation, I missed some red flags but am immensely proud of myself for walking away from him and entering the shit storm I'm currently in now (no money, no home, but free from my abuser and my son is an incredibly happy, content little boy). It wouldn't been much easier to stay and in grateful for my parents. They were brutally honest with me and I knew I had to leave.

So in answer to your AIBU; yes and no. Depends on the circumstances.

It's not always easy to walk away from an abuser. Some people don't even know they're being abused...

Bumpitybumper · 08/04/2019 19:21

I think this mostly comes up when either it was obvious by the OP's own account that the man would be a poor father before she fell pregnant or the OP has multiple DC with a man that has already proven themselves to be an inadequate parent to DC1. Sometimes the women aren't willing to accept that they are partially to blame for their and their DC's situation through exercising poor judgement in the past and instead like to focus solely on the failings of their partner.

Sometimes people change beyond recognition and it isn't possible to predict in advance that they would be terrible parents, but sometimes it is pretty obvious and in those situations the women do have to take some responsibility for ploughing on and having children with a man that is clearly not parent material.

constantlyseekinghappiness · 08/04/2019 19:21

@coffeeconnoisseur has absolutely nailed it here.

It sometimes appears that certain women spend more time choosing their holiday destination than a suitable father for their children.

Farmerswifey12 · 08/04/2019 19:21

YANBU but unfortunately some of the things said on here are unhelpful and downright rude

habibihabibi · 08/04/2019 19:21

HavelockVetinari
If I wanted kids so desperately I would get a handsome and intelligent sperm donor signed on not a deadbeat who brings me down.

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