Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you do for your MIL on Mothers Day?

152 replies

JellyBaby666 · 26/03/2019 12:18

Just after a bit of advice!

My fiance is away with work, so won't be around this weekend and is out of communication (military) so with Mother's Day coming up and us living near his parents (who are lovely) I'm just wondering what the best thing to for my future MIL is, given he's away and I want to acknowledge her and the day somehow.

Do I get a Mum card from us both (when I don't and wouldn't call her Mum, I have a Mum!), do I get a MIL card (when we're not yet married) just from me?

I know it seems daft but I want to kind and respectful, I think last year he was around so we both sent individual cards to our own Mums.

(Yes I have anxiety and yes I am overthinking!)

OP posts:
GummyGoddess · 26/03/2019 12:20

Not helpful but I don't do anything for MIL, she isn't my mother so DH sorts it out. Would he do something for your mother?

HeathRobinson · 26/03/2019 12:20

Well it's a shame he didn't think ahead and leave a card for her or send it early.

Having said that, what about sending her some flowers on his behalf?

WildFlower2019 · 26/03/2019 12:23

You can't go wrong with @HeathRobinson's suggestion.

I'd say there's no harm in getting a mum card and signing it from you and DH x

KathyfromHaworth · 26/03/2019 12:24

Arsey replies. I'm sure she'd love flowers sent with love from both of you.

NoParticularPattern · 26/03/2019 12:26

You’ll get a million responses which say “my boyfriend/fiancé/partner/husband does it because she’s his mother” but clearly that’s not quite a solution in your case since he’s not at home nor will he be able to communicate due to his deployment. I buy and write the cards in our house- for everything not just Mother’s Day. It’s easiest this way because he’d forget or he’d be too busy and I don’t mind doing it. It doesn’t take years of my life away from me and it means that people get thoughtful cards on special occasions.

Singlenotsingle · 26/03/2019 12:26

My Dil takes me out to lunch with her own dm and the rest of the family.

Cuppaand2biscuits · 26/03/2019 12:27

I do exactly the same as I would do for my Mum. My mil helps us out massively with child care and I really value that.
So either I cook for both mums, have treated the 3 of us to a cinema trip or an afternoon tea.
My dh is an only child so theres no one else to spoil her, he's not very thoughtful either so I like to arrange something that's a treat for both mums and myself!

MimiSunshine · 26/03/2019 12:29

In all honesty, I’d just text her and say that as fiancé is away you wanted to let her know that you think she is a great mother who has raised a wonderful son and would she like to meet up for a tea & cake soon?

But then I only send a card to my lovely mum, generally don’t do flowers or presents and don’t expect anything more than a card for myself so wouldn’t go over the top for MIL on DPs behalf

thecatsthecats · 26/03/2019 12:32

As predicted by NoParticularPattern I am one of those women who lets my husband sort out his own mum's stuff. Which he is doing.

I don't make it a massive point of principle. I just don't do it because I don't place such a massive value on 'thoughtful cards for special occasions' that I think they're the sort of thing that needs doing for someone else if they're away. In this scenario, I'd let my husband make up for it after he returned - if he wanted to.

On the other hand, my husband is away quite a lot for this month, and I am helping him out with his household responsibilities, because it's a bit shit to spend half the weekend doing his chores, when I have (and almost always have) a huge amount more free time than him.

WhatchaMaCalllit · 26/03/2019 12:35

slightly off topic
Good luck to you finding a MIL card. I actually get along with my MiL and I can find Mummy/Mom/Mum/Mother/Step-Mother/God Mother but I can not find a Mother in Law card. It is bizarre. If you do find one on sale that doesn't look like it is for an elderly MiL, can you please let me know where you found it so I can buy one.

Babdoc · 26/03/2019 12:37

Presumably your fiancé ordered a gift online before going away, to be delivered to his mum on the day?
If he didn’t, that’s his problem rather than yours, no?
Would he bail you out if you’d neglected your mum, or is it just women who have to pick up the slack for men on the emotional labour front?

MindyStClaire · 26/03/2019 12:37

I'm firmly in the camp of DH sorting mother's day for MIL. But in your shoes, I'd organise flowers and a card for MIL and put DH's name on them ( from the she's not my mum pov). I'd also tell the white lie that he asked me to do so, since I love both DH and MIL and that'd make them both happy.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/03/2019 12:38

Lovely of you to think of her. You could send her a card from you both and some flowers if DH isn’t able to. I’m sure she would appreciate it. I get a card to “mum” from DS and DIL which I don’t find odd in any way.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/03/2019 12:40

Presumably your fiancé ordered a gift online before going away, to be delivered to his mum on the day?
If he didn’t, that’s his problem rather than yours, no?

Can’t you read? The OP obviously wants to do something nice for her MIL given her DH is in the military and might not have been able to arrange something.

Original poster
JellyBaby666 · 26/03/2019 12:44

Thank you for replying. I was just trying to be kind to a lovely woman whose son is deployed with the military on Mother's Day...

Would he do something for my Mum? Yes if I was deployed in the military and had no means of communication. Unlikely to happen though!

@Babdoc No he didn't, we had a few days notice before deployment, and a sudden extension to the length of time he's away. With the best will in the world, I don't think it occurred to him to pre-order something for her. Do I think it's my problem - no. But me making a stand doesn't help anyone, and he won't be back for weeks, so we'll take her for dinner as he missed her birthday and I suppose Mother's Day too. But I don't see the harm in being kind to a woman whose lovely to me/us?

@Whatcha I can't find any that are decent! I got a Mother's Day card as an Auntie last year, but I can't find a 'From both of us/to my MIL' card that is remotely nice! Weird isn't it!

OP posts:
Original poster
JellyBaby666 · 26/03/2019 12:45

Thank you @GreatDuck I'm all for equity in relationships, but I hardly think it's fair to his kind Mum to refuse to acknowledge her because I'm taking a feminist stand!

OP posts:
MsSquiz · 26/03/2019 12:47

We give MIL a "mum" card signed from DH and me and this year I have ordered a box of chocolates, a personalised Emma Bridgewater mug and a plant from both of to be given to her on Mother's Day.

I would never buy a separate card "to MIL", just like Birthday and Christmas cards are signed from both of us.

We also did the same for my DM when she was alive.

BlueMerchant · 26/03/2019 12:48

I wouldn't bother with the card and all the over thinking it's causing. You'll send it then be over thinking what she's thinking about the card etcetc. I'd be the same!Confused

Original poster
JellyBaby666 · 26/03/2019 12:49

An Emma Bridgewater mug is actually a lovely idea! Thank you @MsSquiz :)

OP posts:
BlueMerchant · 26/03/2019 12:49

Posted too soon.
Going to say I'd send flowers from you both.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/03/2019 12:50

OP you don’t have to explain your reasons for buying MIL something because your DH couldn’t. It’s nice to be nice as they say. Don’t take to heart the negative comments, MN can be against anyone buying their MIL something for birthdays or Mother’s Day as many think it’s not the woman’s job.

You sound lovely and I’m sure your MIL will be made up with whatever you buy her especially as her DS won’t be there too.

YorkshireIndie · 26/03/2019 12:53

It would be a nice thing to do but if I am going to be honest I would not do it. I might buy a card for DH's mother at the same time as getting one for mine and put it under his nose but that is as far as I go. She is not my mum and I would not expect DH to do anything for my mum if anything was to happen to me

YesItsMeIDontCare · 26/03/2019 12:56

Can you get a card that's blank inside and write your own message? You're obviously very fond of her and I bet that would mean a lot to her. I sure she knows it won't have crossed your DP's mind under the circumstances so a lovely heartfelt message from you personally might be nice?

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/03/2019 12:58

She is not my mum and I would not expect DH to do anything for my mum if anything was to happen to me

But nothing has happened to the OP’s DH, he didn’t have enough time to arrange anything for his mum for Mother’s Day because of his line of work and the OP has kindly agreed to do it instead.
Why would anyone not do this if they liked their MIL?

BlackSatinDancer · 26/03/2019 13:01

As you said she isn't either your mum or your MIL so I would not buy a card. What if your fiance has actually ordered a card online to send from himself? You'd look a bit silly if you also sent one from the two of you.
I probably would buy her flowers, not on your fiance's behalf but from you, and write something nice on a gift card. What MimiSunshine suggested sounds lovely.

Try not to feel too anxious about it. I'm sure your fiance's mum will be understanding if he doesn't send her a card this year due to being away.