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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you do for your MIL on Mothers Day?

152 replies

JellyBaby666 · 26/03/2019 12:18

Just after a bit of advice!

My fiance is away with work, so won't be around this weekend and is out of communication (military) so with Mother's Day coming up and us living near his parents (who are lovely) I'm just wondering what the best thing to for my future MIL is, given he's away and I want to acknowledge her and the day somehow.

Do I get a Mum card from us both (when I don't and wouldn't call her Mum, I have a Mum!), do I get a MIL card (when we're not yet married) just from me?

I know it seems daft but I want to kind and respectful, I think last year he was around so we both sent individual cards to our own Mums.

(Yes I have anxiety and yes I am overthinking!)

OP posts:
gingerbiscuits · 26/03/2019 22:16

I treat my MIL the same as my own mum - card, flowers, little pressies. All signed & sent from both of us. And yes, all organised by me - hubby is hopeless!!

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/03/2019 22:37

OP you sound bloody adorable. By the sounds of it you’re going to have a good relationship with your PILs!

CandyflossKid · 26/03/2019 22:37

Have bought a card but DH can do the rest. We go round to see her but as she has dementia, she always thinks that I'm one of her carers

Happynow001 · 26/03/2019 22:38

What about a "Fine Art" card instead of a regular Mother's Day card. They usually have a beautiful picture on the front but blank inside for your own message. I usually buy these throughout the year when I see them as they're so useful. Try Waitrose, M&S, Ryman's May have some, some of the posher charity shops also. Good luck!

Jsmith99 · 26/03/2019 22:40

MIL is DP’s responsibility. She’s his mother so it’s entirely down to him & nowt to do with me.

mondaylisasmile · 26/03/2019 23:17

Do all those women here who do this for their partners know the Same is covered if they forget/are too busy in reverse? I.e. how many women here have boyfriends or husbands doing the FIL cards, lunch out, chocs, golf days out together with the kids etc?

Is there anyone who's partner has stepped up to be a genuine team player in that way? I hope so!

Osirus · 26/03/2019 23:49

I think this is a lovely thing for you to do for both your MIL and your DP.

A generic card and a bunch of flowers would go down really nicely; who would not appreciate that when they are missing their child?

I don’t do anything for my MIL; my DH takes care of it every year but he doesn’t work away. I’m not sure I would do it if he did work away; she’s horrible to me! I’m glad you have a nice relationship with yours.

nokidshere · 27/03/2019 00:48

How sad that some people can't see that it's a kind thing to do. For 36yrs we have sent a "mum" card to both our parents signed from us both. It's not that we see the in law as our parent but as a part of our family. It doesn't matter who buys the cards or sends the flowers, depends which one of us is online or out and about, (although if dh sends them it's likely to be a generic arty card whereas I always buy ones that say mum)

They aren't his mum and my mum, they are family.

Seren85 · 27/03/2019 02:08

Like many others, DH and I deal with our own families for things like this. We send Mum and Dad cards signed from both of us but bought and written by the appropriate person. In this situation I'd do what DH does for his Mum (and also his step Mum) on mother's day so a card, flowers, a book or cd and he'd do the same for my mum.

Ihatehashtags · 27/03/2019 04:42

Nothing. It’s his mother and it should have been up to him to sort something out. I mean he knew he was going to be away didn’t he. I feel it’s this type of thing that enables helplessness in men.

Original poster
JellyBaby666 · 27/03/2019 07:31

@Ihatehashtags Did you read my original post? He’s deployed in the military, had a few days notice of this and now has no email or internet access. This isn’t me infantilising him, but ultimately his lovely mum will get nothing out of spite if I take your approach.

He unexpectedly missed Christmas and I had put off buying presents so we could do it together and then he didn’t come home till long after. Should I have not bought anyone a gift then either?

I really appreciate the people who were kind and left helpful messages thank you.

OP posts:
MsChookandtheelvesofFahFah · 27/03/2019 07:47

I think you should definitely acknowledge it with a card and flowers but from you not dh. She'll know why he can't do anything himself and pretending the flowers are from him is a bit patronising.

Ihatehashtags · 27/03/2019 07:48

Agree to disagree. He had a couple of days warning. If it meant that much to him he could have asked you to buy a card. He didn’t because he’s a man child and you accept it.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/03/2019 07:54

Ihatehashtags what a load of bollocks. The OP’s husband left with very little time to arrange something and had limited email access in the beginning.

The OP isn’t bitter and twisted so can see that her buying MIL something this time while her son is away would be greatly appreciated.

AccidentallyRunToWindsor · 27/03/2019 08:10

Nothing. I'm fed up of bailing my DH out of not caring about his family tbh.

Herefortheduration · 27/03/2019 08:35

No difference between my mum and his, card and a gift or flowers. Who gets them depends on who has time that week. There are two mothers on our relationship and we love them both, I don't understand the "it's his mother" line. Unless of course, he's an arse about your mum, which I'm told is pretty common. Although that's a whole other issue I wouldn't stand for, either.

maddening · 27/03/2019 08:44

Design one on moon pig and send with flowers from him?

saywhatnowhow · 27/03/2019 09:32

This year I have :

Brought card and present for DH mum , to be signed from both of us

Organised flowers for DSC's late DM grave.

Moon pigged a kinda Mother's Day card to dsc's godmother , she takes her role very seriously and is a wonderful help to us all .

Sorted a extra sentimental gift for dh's dm in memory of dh's late grannie as it's her first Mother's Day without her .

My own dm died over 30 years ago so I'm not fond of mother's days for my own reasons BUT I do like people to know they are appreciated and thought of . DH will sort my card and gifts from my DSC and my own DCs .

I don't care that it's seen as enabling DH to be lazy or that it's not technically my family . He would no more sort the above out than I would sort the car MOT and service .

In our relationship we both do the bits we enjoy regardless of who's who . I enjoy shopping , he doesn't .

Am I alone in thinking that when you marry someone , their family become your family anyway ?

BarbedBloom · 27/03/2019 09:55

I got a card and gift and sent it from us both. I send my mum a card but I don’t send flowers or a gift. I tend to do this stuff because it stresses my H out, but he has gone and got cards for my family in the past and he picks up other bits around the house that I don’t like doing. My MIL is lovely but lives a few hours away so we don’t tend to see her on the day

Original poster
JellyBaby666 · 27/03/2019 09:56

@Ihatehashtags Clearly you have no experience of the military and its impact on family or relationships, of which I'm pleased as it's really bloody hard. He had 3 days notice, and thought he'd be back sooner than he will be. You're missing the point of the thread if you're focus is on the fact he didn't ask me to buy a card for a day he didn't know he'd miss!

OP posts:
Original poster
JellyBaby666 · 27/03/2019 10:00

@saywhatnow I'm with you. I care about his family and he cares about mine.

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/03/2019 10:32

OP ignore Ihatehashtags, she’s clearly a man hater who doesn’t agree with any woman who does anything to help her DH out.

See it all the time on MN, it’s tiresome.

Alsohuman · 27/03/2019 11:35

It’s actually more than tiresome, it shows complete ignorance of what it’s like to be in the armed services and deployed at no notice, to have your tour extended at no notice. To call a man in this position a man child and sneer at him is so rude and disrespectful. I’ve been a military wife - should mine have thought about a mothers’ day card when he was shipped off to the Falklands to get shot at? Perhaps he was a man child too? 🤬

MRex · 27/03/2019 11:42

The person wondering about males in the relationship doing something - I buy the cards because I'm good at getting funny ones, DH is buying the plants because he's good at picking plants and he'll sort out my card and gift from DS. If it wasn't on the calendar he'd have no idea Mother's day was happening, but when he knows it is he's keen to make sure all the mothers feel special. He forgets his own birthday too, he's just rarely aware of the actual date.

Even if DH didn't get involved, my MIL refers to SIL and I as daughters, and is happy to treat us as daughters too. It would be horrible not to reciprocate and give her the benefits due to a mother. It's taken nothing away from my mum to expand my heart enough to let her and FIL in too.

Original poster
JellyBaby666 · 27/03/2019 11:43

Thank you @GreatDuckCookery & @Alsohuman - I appreciate your kindness xxxx

OP posts: