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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you do for your MIL on Mothers Day?

152 replies

JellyBaby666 · 26/03/2019 12:18

Just after a bit of advice!

My fiance is away with work, so won't be around this weekend and is out of communication (military) so with Mother's Day coming up and us living near his parents (who are lovely) I'm just wondering what the best thing to for my future MIL is, given he's away and I want to acknowledge her and the day somehow.

Do I get a Mum card from us both (when I don't and wouldn't call her Mum, I have a Mum!), do I get a MIL card (when we're not yet married) just from me?

I know it seems daft but I want to kind and respectful, I think last year he was around so we both sent individual cards to our own Mums.

(Yes I have anxiety and yes I am overthinking!)

OP posts:
thecatsthecats · 26/03/2019 13:55

Having your MIL miss Mother’s Day because your DH didn’t have his act together ( which isn’t the case here ) is not the act of a kind person. Quite the opposite.

Would you KINDLY take the time to consider my point of view in detail?

My personal acts of KINDNESS include:

  • collecting things for them
  • dogsitting
  • ferrying to and from hospital visits
  • diplomatically responding to the things they do that infuriate me because they're well meant
... etc

So you can continue to assert that having someone 'miss out on' Mother's Day (when they are not in actual fact my mother) is unkind, but I think you're being unkind to me by saying that when I am helpful in amny other ways. And since you value that so very highly, I am sure you will kindly apologise Grin

(Oh, and I even explicitly acknowledged that the OP was doing especially nice as her husband hadn't even asked her to do it, so again, kindly read my posts in full.)

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/03/2019 14:01

Why take the stance of not buying MIL a card if you bend over backwards in KINDNESS in other ways?

I don’t understand that. If your DH couldn’t do it for himself it wouldn’t kill you to get her something as you obviously like her given all the other stuff you do for her?

ACurlyWurly · 26/03/2019 14:10

My DS is in the military, he will not be home for Mothers Day and I doubt I will get a card or for my birthday which is at the same time.
If I had a DiL who sent me a card or flowers while he was away I would be made up! It is a lovely thing to do.
If the military send them away at short notice and they are unable to contact home they have no way of doing it themselves. Some of the places they are sent mean they cant use internet or phone . I am sure that when he does come home there will be belated wishes but a card on the day is always nice.

mondaylisasmile · 26/03/2019 14:14

nothing.

it's the same level of effort my DH goes to for father's day and my own dad.

(i.e. his FIL)

if i've been too disorganised to arrange something for father's day, that's on me. just like it's on DH if he hasn't gone to any effort for his own mum.

we help each other out in a million ways but you don't outsource mother's days and father's days stuff, surely!

GummyGoddess · 26/03/2019 14:21

GreatDuckCookery I know, I was just responding to your post saying about mils missing out because the DH forgot. I was saying I would feel I had missed out if the dil was doing it all, no matter how lovely she was, because it means my dc isn't bothered. Obviously the ops situation is unusual and not that her DH to be is lazy.

Graphista · 26/03/2019 14:23

There are cards that don't state the relationship and just say things like

"For you on Mother's Day"

Have you looked on moonpig, funky pigeon and similar for bespoke/editable cards?

Flowers from both of you would be lovely, I'm yet again trying to think what to get my mum for whom most of the traditional gifts are out for a variety of reasons mostly health related. Every bloody year! I swear if someone set up an app or website designed to help people work out what gifts to get for difficult to gift people they'd make a fortune!

Charles11 · 26/03/2019 14:30

I bake my mil a cake and we all go over and visit with flowers.
I do the same for my mum except it’s usually the day before. Dh comes too.
My mil is lovely and deserves to be treated well.

Chocolateisfab · 26/03/2019 14:31

May price up grenades...

ItsAllGone19 · 26/03/2019 14:31

My husband is useless and I refuse to let his uselessness upset my fantastic mother in law so for Mother's Day/her birthday/Christmas I treat her the same as my mother.

She gets a card, a token gift from our daughters and a nice gift from us as a couple.

I don't see her as my mother by any stretch of the imagination, but she is my children's grandmother and a wonderful one at that so I'm not about to stand on principle that my husband should be less useless and leave her without a deserved token of appreciation for all she's done in her matriarchal role.

BrioLover · 26/03/2019 14:37

I sort Mothering Sunday for MIL. She's in France and DH is so shit that he will never remember in time. I like her a lot and don't want her upset because her son is Mr Last Minute. He supports her through her depression with twice daily phone calls and sends her surprises in the post, he just doesn't quite get Mother's Day right.

I have sent her a box of beautifully iced biscuits from Biscuiteers this year. Took 5 mins to do but will mean a lot to her. I also tend to avoid 'mum' cards etc. and choose ones with Happy Mothers Day on or similar.

Original poster
JellyBaby666 · 26/03/2019 14:38

Thank you all for your replies, I didn't expect it to generate quite so much discussion!

I just want to be kind, ultimately. I know she finds it hard him being away, and so if I can show some compassion to someone who is very kind to me then I will. If he was here I wouldn't do it! He would! I might say 'I saw xxxx in the shop your mum might like' but not beyond that.

I've never had in-laws before, and so I don't have much to go on in terms of forging that friendship/relationship, so the advice here has been really helpful, thank you.

I will say, for emphasis - he was deployed with 3 days notice, and then extended while away. We had sparse email contact, which has now gone, and he's very busy doing his military things working 12-18 hours a day everyday. Rightly or wrongly, I don't have an issue with the fact he forgot MD and I know he doesn't expect me to sort anything. But I want to.

I saw some cute 'For you on mothers day' type cards today so I'll pick one of those up and sign it from us both! I am tempted to send her flowers from 'him' though...

OP posts:
Reddragonqueen · 26/03/2019 14:45

I do the same as what I do for my mum. Its lambing time on our farms for both husband and mil so I make sure I take the kids to see her for a cuppa and give a present

Thesnobbymiddleclassone · 26/03/2019 14:50

I don't do anything. She isn't my mum and I feel it would cheapen what I do for my mum if I did do something.

Mil has her own children to buy her stuff.

Ginger1982 · 26/03/2019 14:54

I find DH pretty useless at things like this. I usually buy the cards and get him to sign his mum's and I sign mine and they both get a card from our DS. In your situation, I would just buy a mum card and sign it from both of you, if you have a good relationship with her.

Asgoodasarest · 26/03/2019 15:02

Wow there’s a tough crowd out there today! You sound lovely. A card and some flowers are perfect. I always do Mother’s Day stuff for my mum and mother in law. I’m just better at thinking of nice things and I don’t mind doing it.

Even if your partner had done something, I don’t think anyone has ever been offended by being thought of / cared about twice. Just say you hadn’t explicitly discussed it and knew he’d want her to have something nice.

Angelicinnocent · 26/03/2019 15:05

So a couple of years ago, I ended up being admitted to the hospital for emergency surgery. After making sure I came through it all OK, and realising that I was going to be ill for quite some time, my DH organised my DMs birthday present and my DFs father's day gift. He bought cards, wrapped everything and had them beside me for when my parents visited. Should he not have done so because they aren't his parents or was he right that we are a unit, a family and you help each other out, particularly when the unexpected happens.

Op I think it's lovely of you and would do a card from both of you, flowers from him and maybe a small token from you to say you appreciate her.

CryHavoc · 26/03/2019 15:08

In almost exactly the same situation (sudden military deployment) I've sent a card signed from us both, and flowers. A small present like the mug mentioned up thread is a lovely idea.

It's a really nice thought, and I'm sure it will be appreciated by her and by your fiancé.

Eliza9917 · 26/03/2019 15:10

@WhatchaMaCalllit Tue 26-Mar-19 12:35:22
slightly off topic
Good luck to you finding a MIL card. I actually get along with my MiL and I can find Mummy/Mom/Mum/Mother/Step-Mother/God Mother but I can not find a Mother in Law card. It is bizarre. If you do find one on sale that doesn't look like it is for an elderly MiL, can you please let me know where you found it so I can buy one.

Personalise your own on moonpig. You can change the wording to say 'mother in law'.

CuppaSarah · 26/03/2019 15:11

I don't do anything for her. Not because it's DHs job(which is is really), or because I don't like her. But because that way what she gets, she knows was chosen, bought and posted by her son. DH isn't great at communication, so mother's Day and Birthdays are the main time he expresses his appreciation and love for his Mum. I know she loves knowing it's just from her son.

Maldives2006 · 26/03/2019 15:16

He had a short notice military deployment !!

Eliza9917 · 26/03/2019 15:22

I am tempted to send her flowers from 'him' though...

Do it. Don't listen to all the miserable fuckers on here. A little white lie in this scenario is perfectly fine.

chillimartini · 26/03/2019 15:59

I'm shocked at some of the replies!!
Op if she is kind to you and you get along...then do the same for her as you do for your mum xx

Original poster
JellyBaby666 · 26/03/2019 16:06

@CryHavoc sorry you're in the same situation too. Its tough isn't it!

OP posts:
GreatDuckCookery6211 · 26/03/2019 16:33

I'm shocked at some of the replies!!

Tbh I think there’s been some lovely posts from a lot posters about how they buy for their MILs! Usually it’s a lot worse Grin

Sweetpea55 · 26/03/2019 16:40

Absolutely nothing for the evil old bag

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