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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask what you do for your MIL on Mothers Day?

152 replies

JellyBaby666 · 26/03/2019 12:18

Just after a bit of advice!

My fiance is away with work, so won't be around this weekend and is out of communication (military) so with Mother's Day coming up and us living near his parents (who are lovely) I'm just wondering what the best thing to for my future MIL is, given he's away and I want to acknowledge her and the day somehow.

Do I get a Mum card from us both (when I don't and wouldn't call her Mum, I have a Mum!), do I get a MIL card (when we're not yet married) just from me?

I know it seems daft but I want to kind and respectful, I think last year he was around so we both sent individual cards to our own Mums.

(Yes I have anxiety and yes I am overthinking!)

OP posts:
cupofteaandcake · 27/03/2019 11:45

I think what many people mean (and have suffered) is the men in their lives (and often the in laws) expecting them to remember all these events and do all the thinking, buying, running around. They are then blamed if it doesn't happen.. It's one thing if the OP has been asked to do it however if the partner has actually really forgotten it tells me two things. Either he doesn't care about sending something to his family member or doesn't hold any importance in these events. It's like men who forget their partner's birthday. They do it because it just isn't on their radar and they don't think it should be, they don't care enough. Any man/woman who holds down a job such as being in the military needs to be extraordinarily organised. What did he do before he had a girlfriend fiance?

I do agree with other posters mothers day/fathers day/birthdays for his family are his responsiblity. That said, if you want to start your married life pick up all this stuff and are happy then that's up to you.

MyBabyBoyBlue · 27/03/2019 11:46

I do a card and gift from us both

Alsohuman · 27/03/2019 11:48

Extraordinarily organised? 🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣🤣

mastertomsmum · 27/03/2019 11:48

We don't live nearby, so we make sure she is visiting nearby son or coming to see us or one of the other siblings. I make sure DH has sent a card and organise a pressie

TheOrigFV45 · 27/03/2019 11:52

I am a slightly odd situation.

My MIL has been estranged from my (nasty) ex for 17 years. We are very close. My relationship with her is very good and she is close to my sons.

My Mother is dead.

I don't send my MIL a card, but I usually send her text to recognise that she is a Mother and while she isn't my Mother I am very lucky to have her in my life. She has appreciated that.

MissEliza · 27/03/2019 12:03

You sound like you have a lovely relationship with your MIL and I'm pleased for you. From what you've said, the right thing to do would be to bring her a bunch of flowers to say you're thinking of her. It must be really hard having your child away in the military. One of my ds1's best friends started his basic training on Mother's Day a couple of years ago and I felt really sorry for his dm.
In my first couple of years of being married, I took over the gift buying. She never once thanked me, even when dh pointed out whatever I'd got had been my choice, so I stopped doing it.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/03/2019 12:08

I think what many people mean (and have suffered) is the men in their lives (and often the in laws) expecting them to remember all these events and do all the thinking, buying, running around. They are then blamed if it doesn't happen

That is a different story to what’s happening here with the OP though. Her DH isn’t shoving all the work for Mother’s Day on her because he cba, he’s not able to do it and because she cares about her MIL she wants do something nice from both of them so she doesn’t miss out. How anyone can think that’s a bad thing is beyond me.

ALannisterInDebt · 27/03/2019 12:12

SMH at some of the arsey replies on here, no wonder so many people have problems with their in laws with attitudes like this.

OP, you sound lovely and thoughtful and obviously have a good relationship with MIL. Acknowledging her in Mother's Day is the right thing to do.

I agree with those who said send a bunch of flowers from you both, or possibly a blank card that you write in from you both.

I'm sure your fiancé will appreciate you reaching out to his DM when he's away.

mondaylisasmile · 27/03/2019 13:08

MRex it was me asking about boyfriends and husbands doing similar.

Your example isn't an example of that - I was specifically talking about the equivalent with the genders reversed.

E.g. female poster on here forgetting father's day, and the boyfriend/husband silently swooping in and organising a card, gift, golf day out or lunch thing with the kids and the father in law...

That's not the same thing as you choosing a card for your MIL, and your DH buying a plant, because you're better at cards and he's better at plants.

What i'm really curious about (and prompted my question) is the mental load, the unwritten wifework, involved in all this gift buying.

my dh is amazing but i soon learned that if i took up the mental load of remembering birthdays, it soon became my job/expected by relatives... and i'd never be thanked, apart from DH (afterwards), who was always grateful. i do the same thing when he remembers that the car needs its MOT Grin but the fact remains that putting all of this on one person in terms of mental load isn't always fair. so i wondered how many people had DHs who did step in on these occasions...

dottypotter · 27/03/2019 13:16

ask hom what he would like you to do.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/03/2019 13:22

What i'm really curious about (and prompted my question) is the mental load, the unwritten wifework, involved in all this gift buying

There’s no doubt that some men rely on their wives to remember their mothers birthday
/mother’s day/Christmas presents and cards and I agree that isn’t on if the only reason they aren’t doing it themselves is because they cba.

But when buying the above is to help the H out for whatever reason I don’t think women should be made to feel bad or their letting the sisterhood down.

If DH has a lot on I will ask him if he wants me to get his dad a present for Father’s Day or his birthday, sometimes he takes me up on it and sometimes he will organise it himself. We’re a team and he does a lot for me in other ways so I don’t begrudge it.

Limensoda · 27/03/2019 13:22

Women who like their mil are not popular on here Grin
Neither are women who do anything for their dh that he could possibly do for himself.

Original poster
JellyBaby666 · 27/03/2019 13:27

@dottypotter I'd love to but we are currently in a period of zero contact! Not even email.

He never forgets birthdays, is very kind and thoughtful, and would 100% be sorting something for his mum IF HE WAS HERE! But he isn't. And if you're coming on here to tell me what a lazy feck he is for not anticipating a delay to his homecoming and therefore sorting a gift and card then you're deluded and have no experience of the military, its unpredictability or the impact it has on others. It's heartbreaking, I've been sadder these last few weeks than I have been for a while.

@acupoftea - I've never really asked, I will do when he's home but I imagine make up for it when he's back/send an email if he can.

I'm all for not taking on more than is mine to do, and I absolutely wouldn't be sending her something if he was around but he's away and I want to be kind because he's her son!

OP posts:
cupofteaandcake · 27/03/2019 13:28

I agree Monday, generally the expectation is that women do this kind of wifework and if they don't it seems to be viewed that they aren't very nice. As a mother actually I don't want to receive cards and gifts from my son's girlfriend/fiance etc, I want him to remember and do it. As regards relationships with in-laws, if their decision to like me is based on whether I do this kind of thing when their son can't be bothered then the relationship isn't based on much is it!

cupofteaandcake · 27/03/2019 13:30

BTW that wasn't aimed at you Jelly, I can see your situation is different.

GreatDuckCookery6211 · 27/03/2019 13:32

OP you don’t have to justify yourself or your DP. Some women will never find it acceptable that other women sort out their DHs family’s presents not matter what the circumstances are so don’t bother wasting your time trying. Don’t let this get to you Flowers

Happynow001 · 27/03/2019 14:59

You are doing a very kind thing @JellyBaby666. You have a kind heart and I'm sure your efforts will be appreciated by both your Fiancé and his mother. 🌹

Alsohuman · 27/03/2019 16:54

No contact is complete shit. I feel for you. 💐

poglets · 27/03/2019 17:01

I send my own mother flowers and put my husband's name on the card too. He is responsible for his mother.

Elizabeth2019 · 27/03/2019 17:10

What a lovely thing of you to pick up, it’s really hard to anticipate everything! Mine only remembered to sort something out for me (I reminded him!) from our child, and then remembered after about his own mum. After a gentle “I told you so” I’ve sorted it. Ordered a lovely box of chocolates with 2 cards, one from him to Mum and one to Nana.
I have contact with him so will try to get him to call on the day too as a surprise.

Hope you get contact soon.

ItsJustASimpleLine · 27/03/2019 17:13

We (DH & I) get our mothers a card and flowers from both of us and the kids. We're a family unit and that's how we give that gift. It works for us.

TheNavigator · 27/03/2019 17:22

You asked what I do for my MIL so the answer is nothing, obviously, she isn't my mum. I appreciate your circumstances are different, however.

My daughters are grown up so this year, for the first time, my mum kindly said I could take her out before mothers day so my daughters can take me out for lunch on mothers day - which will be lovely. DH will send his mum flowers. I don't get involved, he is a capable adult with his own relationship with his mother.

Alfiesmom15 · 27/03/2019 21:46

Wow, some people are ridiculously rude... its shocking really... go for flowers and maybe a box of nice chocolates...

PocketFluff · 27/03/2019 22:26

I would love for my husband to be able to organise his mum something but he can't, so I do it. I love my MIL so want to show her she is appreciated. This year I've got her flowers and a blank card with flowers on. Definitely recommend blank cards! I'll then sign it from myself and my two little children.

Doing little things like this isn't hard but it shows the people in your life that you care about them. Life is too short. Help each other, show people that you love them. Put people first. This is something I've leant from being a young widow.

Elizabeth2019 · 29/03/2019 10:58

@JellyBaby666

Did you end up sorting something nice? I am visiting my MIL on Sunday with the chocs and card as my own is working. Really hoping we get a proper phone call over an email!